How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

My gloves were stolen yesterday..

They fell into the wrong hands

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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

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Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?

He said the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm.

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A man finds a luxurious fur glove

Trying to reach its owner, he posts an advertisement.

Attention! If you have lost a fur glove...



...can you please give me the other one too?

Edit: syntax

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

I lent my wife my gloves to survive the cold on her way to work this morning. She left them on the bus.

I’m now living in a gloveless relationship.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

Some numbers were stuck in the snow, when one lost his gloves and boots.

He was a number number.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
...

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves.

Just kidding he is still opening his present.

I was in a restaurant one night the waiter was serving everything with white gloves on and tongs.

I asked why? He said we never touch anything with our bare hands.Then I noticed a string hanging from his fly and asked why it was there he told me when he uses the bathroom he pulls it out and never touches it.I asked well how do you get it back in your pants? He replied with these tongs...

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A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa

A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: "Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plen...

Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral?

The white ones were covered in brake fluid.

Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth?

His mouth was 4 molar

Post your favorite nerd chem jokes!

What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves?

Intermitten

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me.

But I'm not gauntlet that happen.

I tried texting with gloves and it just wouldn't work...

So I went back to texting with a phone.

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?

On their...




Dramatic Paws

My brother got sent to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wear gloves.

A health inspector went to a latex factory.

The factory looked clean so far, and he went over to the gloves department. He saw that the workers dipped their hand into the latex, waited for it to cool and peeled it off. He immediately called the manager to complain of this health code violation. The manager said: "You ain't seen nothing yet, w...

Why does Thanos love Snapchat?

It fits his personality like a glove.

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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

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5 Dicks!?

This guy goes to his doctor for a full physical.. He takes his pants off and the doctor notices he has 5 dicks, the doc yells "holy shit! you have 5 dicks! that's incredible! how do your pants fit!?" and the dude says "like a glove."

One of my ancestors invented the glove

Well, he had a hand in it

A man in a bra.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

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A girl reaches into the glove compartment of her boyfriends car for a condom...

and finds one missing. They had bought that box together, and it was now open and missing one. Furious, she asked him what the deal was.
"Oh, I masturbated with one on, just to see what it would feel like."
Satisfied with this answer, but still curious, they went on with their business. She wa...

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

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A man with five penises went to the doctor and the doctor asked how he wears a condom the man said,

“Like a glove”

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, "Since when have you been wearing a girdle?"

Other guy says, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car."

"That dress fits you like a glove"

"It sticks out in five places"

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

The patient says no.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she...

I'm going to name my son Glove

Being handy will come to him naturally

There's a chef that doesn't bother putting gloves on before prepping his food

Now he's got a lot more thyme on his hands.

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

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A woman was cheating on her husband. Her son is curious what her mom and that stranger are doing so he hides in the wardrobe.

Suddenly the husband comes home. She doesn't know her son is already hiding in the wardrobe when she sends her lover in there.

Son: "Dark in here, huh?"

Lover: "Ye"

Son: "I got a baseball bat"

Lover: "So?"

Son: "You're going to buy it for 250$ or I'm going to blow...

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

Why does an elephant have a trunk?

Because he doesn’t have a glove compartment

Why do truck drivers like wearing finger-less gloves...

They like to see their girlfriend in shorts

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

So I'm sat in my mums car at the moment, just me, her and one of my friends who we are giving a lift to...

For the joke she made to make sense, I'll just mention I'm male.

I was bored and digging around in the glove compartment a moment ago, and found a trigger spray suncream container. It's labelled on the front "50+ kids", so I asked her why she had a squirty thing with 50 plus kids in it?
...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

The Proctologist

So a man walks into his proctologists office because he felt that something was wrong.
The doctor walks in, explains the test, and gloves up. After a couple seconds of pressure, the man asks if there's anything wrong. The doctor replies,"Well, the good news is that it's only the head. The bad new...

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?

Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

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A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early...

"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Indeed it is," the man responds.

"I have a baseball," says the boy.

"That's nice," he says.

"I'll sell it to you...

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An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as the...

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A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

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I opened my eyes sitting in a very dark room

I could only distinguish a vague shadow in front of me. I tried standing up, only to realise that I had been tied to the cheap metal chair. I grunted and tried to remember how I had gotten here. Last night I walked out of the club, a bit tipsy, and suddenly all went black. Ugh, I don’t know what hap...

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Mickey stands before the judge...

Mr. Mouse, I am sorry but you can not divorce your wife Minnie because she is, as you say, extremely silly. Mickey buries his head in his glove and exclaims, “ NO! I said she was fucking goofy!”

Late one night, a man was speeding down a road

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

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A blonde visits a doctor... (NSFW)

A blonde visits a doctor and upon being inquired by the doctor of her predicament, says, "I seem to have a pain inside my ass. It feels a bit sore and I can't seem to get rid of it."

Taking note of her problem, the doctor requests the blonde to discard her shorts and bend over the bed by the ...