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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

what did the man with no hands get for christmas?

gloves.

haha just kidding he hasnt even opened his present yet

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

They said a mask and gloves are enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied, everybody else had clothes on.

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The docto...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A man goes in for a prostate exam

The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.

The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.

The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errectio...

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

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Guy is stopped by the policeman

"Sir, you were speeding I will need to give you a ticket. Do you have an ID, driving license and car insurance?"

"This isn't my car. But I think I saw insurance card in the glove box when I put there my gun. I can check."

"Sir are you armed?"

"Yes, as I told you, my gun is in th...

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

my friends say that i am weird for using my airsoft gloves as winter gloves

it's just what i happened to have on hand

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

“Alright Brian, it’s your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection” the doctor says.

...

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Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

Solar Panels.

Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells. I get get outside and look up at the roof...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

My gloves were stolen yesterday..

They fell into the wrong hands

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this

NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

Special glove

I can count on one hand the number of extra fingers I have.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask

but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony

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Birthday Mix-Up (Long)

A young man wished to purchase  a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note--romantic, but not too personal.

   

   Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger siste...

Why didn’t Bob own any gloves?

Because he didn’t have any hands.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Not Bob.

You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box?

Now it's their time to shine!

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper

She was wearing massive gloves

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves

On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

If you're working from home on a laptop or PC, make sure you wear gloves and a face mask.

You don't want to catch one of those computer viruses.

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A man goes to the doctor

and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises." The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?" He replies, "Like a glove."

What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?

Nothing; baseball gloves can't talk.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

What do you call a misbehaving glove?

A badmiton

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

I made a pair of gloves out of clocks and watches, but they’re too heavy to wear.

I guess I’ve just got too much time on my hands.

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

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A girl reaches into the glove compartment of her boyfriends car for a condom...

and finds one missing. They had bought that box together, and it was now open and missing one. Furious, she asked him what the deal was.
"Oh, I masturbated with one on, just to see what it would feel like."
Satisfied with this answer, but still curious, they went on with their business. She wa...

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

Two men meet at the gym

Two men meet at the gym to work out, they haven’t been able to since COVID. Afterwards they’re in the locker room changing when one of them looks over and notices his friend putting on women’s underwear. Since when do you wear women’s underwear, he asked? Since my wife found them in the glove compar...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?

On their...




Dramatic Paws

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

Your dad does the vacuuming in boxing gloves

Calls himself Dyson Fury

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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises?

I bet his pants fit like a glove..


-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.

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So there's a terrible student...

This student comes to class only a quarter of the time, never turns in homework, never speaks in class or participates in group exercises, etc. However, he always does well on exams and quizzes, even when it seems like he hasn't studied at all. The strangest thing is that every time there's an exam,...

What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves?

Intermitten

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

Why does Sonic always wear gloves?

Because his hands are cold.

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A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license" The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
r>"I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."

The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup....

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

My friend said he could tell a better glove pun than me.

But I'm not gauntlet that happen.

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

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So this guy with three dicks walks into a clothier shop to buy a pair of tailored pants

When the pants are done the tailor asks how they fit him.

"Like a glove."

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

Why Did The Queen Wear Black Gloves To Princess Diana's Funeral?

The white ones were covered in brake fluid.

Montana has the best lovers

My favorite jokes about the insane amount of sheep loving that occurs in Montana from when I grew up:

1. What is the hottest selling clothing accessory in Montana? Velcro gloves. *wpsh* *wpsh* *BAaaAah*


2. Why do the mountain men always make love to the sheep on the edge of a clif...

I was in a restaurant one night the waiter was serving everything with white gloves on and tongs.

I asked why? He said we never touch anything with our bare hands.Then I noticed a string hanging from his fly and asked why it was there he told me when he uses the bathroom he pulls it out and never touches it.I asked well how do you get it back in your pants? He replied with these tongs...

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

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I had my annual physical, today.

My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”

And I agreed with him.

I'm going to name my son Glove

Being handy will come to him naturally

I tried texting with gloves and it just wouldn't work...

So I went back to texting with a phone.

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

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