I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

What's worse than seeing a condom in a second hand store?

Coming back to find it sold.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

I recently bought a second hand car.

It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.

Found a great bargain at the second hand shop.

Now I just need to buy the rest of the watch.

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

I'm going to Bangalore to open a second hand clothing store.

And I'm gonna call it "Who's Sari Now."

Who do you sell second hand bikes to?

A re-cyclist.

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

I was in a second hand shop.

"I was wondering if you had any condoms?" I asked the owner.

"Don't be ridiculous," he remarked, "Of course not."

I said, "You're a brave guy, I like your style."

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was late for work...

A man was running late for work and was speeding 50 over the speed limit. As he passed an over pass, a cop was lying in wait behind a billboard. The cop turns on his lights and pulls the man over.

O: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

M: "Yessir, but I running late for work."
...

For my cake day this year I want to share the love I have of Star Wars and dad jokes so here is one of my favorites: Where did Luke get this cybernetic hand from?

The second hand store.

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

A guy met a girl at a bar and things went well so he took her home...

As they start going at it, she says, "try and stick a finger in my ass"! So he reaches around and "pop", his finger slides right in.

She decides to be a little more adventurous, "ok, now try and get your whole hand in there" and sure enough "Pop" his whole hand slides right up in there.
<...

What happens if you sell a used watch?

It becomes second handed.

What killed the clock?

Second hand smoke

All clocks have only two hands. You may think that some clocks have a third hand,

But that’s just the second hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

3 men enter the gates of heaven

They are met by Saint Peter who explains in heaven they are given a vehicle. The quality is based on how faithful a partner they've been.
The first man receives a brand new Ferrari. He jumps in and takes off.
The second man receives a recent model Toyota Camry, somewhat satisfied he jumps in a...

I really love the ticking of old clocks

My psychiatrist calls it a second hand emotion.

I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

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