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Second Hand Jokes

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand ...

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

The other day I saw a one hand man in a second hand store...

I went up to him and told him that I don't believe they have what you're looking for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

What's worse than seeing a condom in a second hand store?

Coming back to find it sold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m starting a second hand sex toy drive

It’s called Toys for Twats.

I recently bought a second hand car.

It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

I was in a second hand shop.

"I was wondering if you had any condoms?" I asked the owner.

"Don't be ridiculous," he remarked, "Of course not."

I said, "You're a brave guy, I like your style."

Found a great bargain at the second hand shop.

Now I just need to buy the rest of the watch.

Who do you sell second hand bikes to?

A re-cyclist.

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

I'm going to Bangalore to open a second hand clothing store.

And I'm gonna call it "Who's Sari Now."

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

A man with one hand walks into a thrift shop

He approaches and greets the cashier, and asks if he can make an appointment.

The cashier says "sir, this is a thrift shop"

He looks at her confused for a moment, but then realises his mistake.

"Oh, my apologies, I was told this was a second hand shop"

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