Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

What did they call Handy Andy after the accident?

Stumpy.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

Do You Know Sign Langauge?

Well you should because it's handy.

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available

He said “quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always keep a chronic masturbater nearby?

He comes in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really comes in handy?

Masturbation.

Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

Sign language is quite handy

Saw this pun in /r/showertoughts

A handy man in the closet

My grandma just sent me this joke in the form of a video and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple lives nearby some train tracks and it makes a thundering noise when it passes. The lady and her husband learned to sleep with ear covers and all that and made the best of the situation s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a tool box and a penis have in common

They both come in handy

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after pay...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

Why should you call a handyman to build your fence, but a redditor to fix it?

The handy man is good at putting in posts, but nobody reposts like a redditor.

Just started taking Sign Language classes

Who knew it would come in handy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t normally jerk off, but...

Sometimes it cums in handy

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Learn to masturbate

Someday; It'll come in handy

A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a fan of masturbation

When you're alone, it cums in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

A limerick i wrote

One day i was feeling quite randy,

So i went for the thing i had handy.

The thing was, though, man,

A windowless van

That said "come N heer 4 free candy."

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets an escort in a bar..

.. and after talking to her for a little bit he says, “alright, enough talk. How much is it going to cost me for a handjob?”

The escort says, “that’ll cost you $50.”

“$50 for a handjob?! You gotta be kiddin me!” Says the man.

“Well come look out here”, she says, “see that car ou...

Dr. Feelgood

I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.

Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

Whats the best profession to have for dating?

Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

Why are Hands important

Because they are handy

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me if I liked the nudes she sent me

I told her they came in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe having a dick isn't as nice when you're alone,

but it does cum in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say....

"One who farts in church, sits in own pew"

"Learn to masturbate, it come in handy"

"Man who mix Viagra with Laxative, Not know when he coming or going"

"Man who make mistake in elevator, wrong on many levels"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it"...

What do you call a fixer-upper with a baseball hat?

Handy-capped.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head

There is a man sitting at the end of the bar with an orange for a head. Another man, who is new in town walks in and sits down at the other end. After a few minutes he asks the bartender, “Who is that strange man with an orange for a head?”

To which she replies, “I’m not sure but he refuses t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting some great info

So this one guy was walking down the street and he was feeling super horny. So he asked the first guy he saw if he knew anywhere where he could get laid. And the guy said, “Oh, well, that massage parlor over there gives happy endings.” So the horny guy said “Ah great, that’ll cum in handy.”

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do single guys love their dicks so much?

Because they can come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.

Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."

To t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I w...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy walks in on his dad..

masturbating. His dad continues to vigorously masturbate while his son stands in shock.

The boy asks "Dad, what are you doing?"

His dad reponds "I'm masturbating, son. Pay attention to my form. It'll come in handy, cause you'll be doing it soon enough."

The boy asks "You th...

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

I can fall asleep really fast after I whack off

It's really come in handy

Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out.

You never know when they'll come in handy.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.