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Handy Jokes

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list.

When I got home, only #1, 3 & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

Handy tip...

Is what I call my fingers.

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back...

I am not sure the news anchors at CNN and FOX are very handy at home.

All I ever hear is them breaking the news.

Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

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You know what really comes in handy?

Masturbation.

Sign language is quite handy

Saw this pun in /r/showertoughts

A handy man in the closet

My grandma just sent me this joke in the form of a video and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple lives nearby some train tracks and it makes a thundering noise when it passes. The lady and her husband learned to sleep with ear covers and all that and made the best of the situation s...

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

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Confucius say:

Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

Why women concealed carry. Even a small-caliber gun can come in handy in a confrontation.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along ...

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You'd think a masturbation addiction would be an inconvenience

... but it actually comes in handy really often!

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[NSFW] Why is it a good idea to learn how to masturbate?

It comes in handy.

A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

About a week ago I decided to try and learn sign language

Turns out it's very handy.

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...

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My dad only knows masturbation jokes.

He says they always cum in handy.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

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Maybe having a dick isn't as nice when you're alone,

but it does cum in handy.

Whats the best profession to have for dating?

Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.

Why are Hands important

Because they are handy

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

The crippled man covered his bald spot

He put on his handy cap

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Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

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I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

What do you call someone who doesn't have arms?

Handy-capped.

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

A limerick i wrote

One day i was feeling quite randy,

So i went for the thing i had handy.

The thing was, though, man,

A windowless van

That said "come N heer 4 free candy."

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Why do single guys love their dicks so much?

Because they can come in handy.

Three friends are on a road trip...

They decide to stop for the night at the only hotel in town. As they get up to the reception desk, they are informed that there is only one room left and it's a queen. The three are comfortable enough with eachother and decide the minor inconvenience is worth not driving a few hours down the road ...

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out.

You never know when they'll come in handy.

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Why is it, when a woman.....

hires a man to do things that her husband won't do, he's called a handyman? But when a man hires a woman to do things his wife won't do, she's called a prostitute?

I can fall asleep really fast after I whack off

It's really come in handy

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A guy wakes up with a gorilla in his tree.

He looks at it and knows that he can't just leave it there for the day. So he calls the cops and says "There's a gorilla in my tree! Get rid of it!" The officer on the line says "Oh, that's an Animal Control problem." So the guy calls up Animal Control. "Hey, I got a gorilla in my tree! You gotta co...

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Why do the chronic masturbater's friends keep him around?

He always comes in handy.

Donald Trump is such a good salesman he could sell ice to the Eskimos.

Which will come in handy considering his policies on global warming.

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

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It's always good to know at least one handjob joke...

...they can really cum in handy.

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

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Hooker wife...

A young couple are up against it financially so they agree to have the wife hustle on the streets to raise some cash.

Friday night, the husband drives his beautiful wife to the red light district and coaches her one last time:

"OK, again- I'm going to be right here. Anything you nee...

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So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.

Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."

To t...

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A boy walks in on his dad..

masturbating. His dad continues to vigorously masturbate while his son stands in shock.

The boy asks "Dad, what are you doing?"

His dad reponds "I'm masturbating, son. Pay attention to my form. It'll come in handy, cause you'll be doing it soon enough."

The boy asks "You th...

What is it called when you get a bathroom hand job while listening to blues?

W.C. Handy

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Getting some great info

So this one guy was walking down the street and he was feeling super horny. So he asked the first guy he saw if he knew anywhere where he could get laid. And the guy said, “Oh, well, that massage parlor over there gives happy endings.” So the horny guy said “Ah great, that’ll cum in handy.”

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