UPJOKE
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I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

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I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

what do you call a guy with his fist up a horse's ass?

An Amish mechanic!

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Confucius say; Man who is into fisting,

gives shitty handshakes.

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.

The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country”

The Russian says: i can do that.

The American says: what how?

The Russian says: i can go st...

I just got fisted...

by the invisible hand of the free market.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

Raising my fist to the sky, I roared, "It's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up!"

"Sir, that’s not how field sobriety tests work." the cop replied.

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

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My friend told me he recently tried anal fisting.

He said it was a real punch in the gut.

A young man joins the army.

He promises to call his father every week and update him on how things are going. A few months in he calls home and tells his dad that they started doing parachute jumps this week.

Knowing that his son is greatly afraid of heights, the father asked how it went. "Well, I said I wasn't going t...

3 soldiers get captured

Three soldiers get ambushed on patrol and get taken prisoner. The enemy decides they will be shown no mercy, and that they will be executed by firing squad immediately.

The three men start thinking of how they can escape.

The first man is stood before the firing squad as he yells “loo...

I once got into a fist fight with a pirate...

He had mean right hook.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

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Argument in the Israeli parliament.

The Israeli parliament, called the Knesset, is known for its often heated and passionate debates.

One day, during a particularly vicious debate, a highly frustrated lawmaker strode to the rostrum and banged his fist down and screamed, "Half the people here are bastards!" He then angrily went ...

Airborne training

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?"...

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

You can't spell pacifist without...

a fist

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Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad*

Dad: ...*clenches fists*

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

Three logicians walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "Something for all three of you?"
The fist responds: "I don't know"
The second responds "I don't know"
The third responds "Yes"

I almost struck 'x=1' with my fist, but didn't.

Sorry, no punchline.

A pastor was leaving a graveside service, when he noticed a man sobbing, pounding the ground with his fists, and yelling as he knelt before a grave.

He decided to see if the man needed help or comfort and as he drew closer he heard the man yelling, "Why did he die! Why did he have to die!?"

The pastor knelt beside the man and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm a pastor, if there's anything I can do, I'll be glad to help. Was this your...

A Soviet citizen turns on the TV

On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels…"

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

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Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

Farm Boy Billy

Billy moves to the city to find fame and fortune.

Billy can't get a job anywhere and asks someone why no one will hire him and is told it's because country folk are dumb. Billy disagrees but the city guy says "I'll show you" and sticks his hand in front of a wall and says "Punch this".
...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

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[NSFW] My girlfriend asked me if I could try fisting her...

I said "No, there won't be any of that crap... not on my watch."

At a party, Bob was flirting with a girl

The girl's boyfriend walked over to Bob and pushed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bob said, "I didn't know she was taken. I'm sorry." The boyfriend raised his fist and threatened, "If you touch my girl again, you're fiction."

Bob was confused, and asked, "Uh, don't yo...

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.

The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

My friend asked me about getting fisted by a man with no fingers

Needless to say, I was stumped.

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A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.

The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.

Later that day the burly gent returns and ...

What do you call a fist fight at noon?

A lunchbox

My wife said that if this gets 100,000 upvotes, we could try fisting

She even promised that she would take off her rings

What did the old man say when he shook his fist at his kids who were valets?

Goddamn parkin' sons!

The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"

His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

How many times does it take for someone to enjoy fisting?

A handful.

A Polack, An American and an Englishman all go skydiving...

The polack jumps fist, the American waits ten seconds, then the Englishman jumps a moment layer.

The Polack pulls his chute and it opens. The American pulls his, and it fails to open. He falls screaming passed the Polack. The Englishman pulls his chute, and it fails to open. He ...

Did you see the fist fight between stevie wonder and Ray Charles

Neither did they

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

Squirrel

I was walking through a forest the other day when I noticed a little squirrel sitting on a tree trunk. His right hand clenched into a fist.

“What have you got there? A hazelnut?”

He shook his head

“An almond then?”

He shook his head again.

“Is it a berrie?”
...

There were these college seniors chillin in the classroom. One of the boys was makin the other two annoyed.

At one point, the annoying boy says, “whatever, I could take you both at the same time.” The other boys get up and ball up their fists.

The annoying boy looked confused, then it hit him and he said,”ooh, y’all thought I was talkin about fightin huh?”

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A guy with two dicks goes to the doctor with his middle finger held in his fist.

When the doctor asks he replies, "because a bird in hand is worth more than two in the bush!"

An Englishman an American and and Irishman rob a bank.

Whilst running from the cops they dash down and alley. The Englishman points to a pile of burlap sacks and says let’s hide in these. The trio jump in.
The cops come screaming around the found to notice one of the bags wiggles.
The police officer picks up the fist sack containing the American...

"Why are you fisting me?" A question that should never come up during love making.

Fisting should always be discussed beforehand.

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Husband comes back from the business trip early to surprise his wife

However his wife has a surprise of her own as she is busy with someine else in the bedroom. As soon as he enters the house and announces "surprise, I am home honey"

she gets scared shitless and hides the guy in wardrobe(closet?). while doing that his nuts are stuck in the door and are left ha...

Do you know who really likes to get fisted?

Hand puppets!

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

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I think fisting should be called ...

Uppercunting

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll. All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched in hot nacho cheese.

He looks to the sky with a raised fist and shouts, "Curse you Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I got sick from a fist bump

it's the first confirmed case of ebrola

Genie in the bottle

A Ukrainian named Boyko finds a magical lantern.

He rubs it and a genie pops out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me from my prison. I grant you three wishes

After some contemplation Boyko says, I want the Chinese People’s Liberation Army to invade Ukraine with devastating power...

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding together through the prairie and Tonto raises his fist to stop. He gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

T: "Buffalo come."
LR: "How do you know?"
T: "Ear sticky."

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3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

My wife slammed her fist on the table and shouted... "Why must you question everything I say!?"

..."Everything?" I replied

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

I named my right fist "Attention."

Now my wife has finally stopped asking for it.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

This guy and I were arguing in an elevator when all of the sudden it turned into a fist fight

We really took it to the next level

Headline: Cumberbatch lumber hatch rumble match and humble thatch.

Press Release:

An academy award nominated actor kicked in his neighbor's woodshed door and started a fist fight. Afterward, the actor apologized and assisted in repairs of the shed's damaged grass roof.

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Our sex education teacher asked the class, "Who knows what fisting is?"

I put my hand up.

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn’t pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.

The thing worked fine, but it wasn’t terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left....

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The problem with Iron Fist...

The problem with Netflix's Iron Fist show is pretty simple.

See, Marvel is trying to be diverse not just in front of the camera, but behind it. They want to really show respect for the communities their characters are drawn from.

So Jessica Jones is a woman, and they made an effort to ...

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

Fist Bump for Jesus

Don't leave me hanging!

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

I could never fist a girl

My hand would always be reaching for a Pringle.

Trust me, you don't want to try fisting

I've had first hand experience

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NSFW. After The Honeymoon

So young Billy was back to work from his honeymoon after a few weeks.
His buddy(knowing he was sexually naive)asked Billy "so you have to tell me, how was the sex?!? ”
Young Billy responded " Well, the fist day we could only do it one time but by the end of it I was going like 5 or 6 times a d...

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

It took my wife 30 minutes to change a lightbulb, so I called her ham-fisted...

She asked me how I knew, and whether it showed through her dress.

Do you know the definition of ignorance?

Two guys digging a ditch were doing their ditch digging thing, when one of them looks over at the supervisor sitting under a tree in the shade. The one guy says to the other, "Man, it isn't fair for us to be working so hard in the hot sun, while Mr. Supervisor is sitting doing nothing on the shade....

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A Laotian businessman opened a small shop in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotian immigrants in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were rowdy an...

Do you know how Chris Brown’s girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

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What's the difference between a cunt punch and fisting?

pants

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

2 Trump Supporters go to heaven

St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes highe...

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3 nuns are at the bar together, having some drinks, bullshitting

1st nun says, “Hey guys, I’m so loose, I can get an entire fist up there.”

2nd nun takes a shot, says, “That’s nothing! I’m so loose, I can get *two* whole fists up there and still have room to clap.”

Well they both look at the 3rd nun who says nothing, but starts sliding down the bar ...

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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