Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

The Sermon..

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the riv...

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

I wish teachers would stop putting so much emphasis on vocab tests

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means. Its not the end of the world.

Why did the elf go to kindergarten?

To learn the elf-a-bet!

I just overheard my 5yo tell this to his older brother. He made sure to add emphasis to "elf-a-bet", in case his brother didn't get it. Not sure where he heard this - it came out of the blue.

Procrastination will be my downfall.

Emphasis on “will”.

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Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

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A guy travels to LA to audition for a movie and finally get his big break

His plane lands and he gets a call from his agent saying "Quick! Book the first flight back to New York I got you a part in a play!"
Guy says "Great, when is it?"
Agent says, "tonight is opening night, I'll email you the script. The part you are playing only has one line."
The guy is disap...

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The Special

Two buddies are out at a bar swapping stories and getting wasted.

Just as last call is signaled, one of them remarks to the other, "You know, Jon, its been a long time since I really gave it to a woman. I mean, just really let her have it, you know?" He pounded his fist into his palm lightly...

Since we're on Bulgarian jokes - here's one about bananas:

There was this guy sitting on a bench in the park and opposite him there sat an old man with a bag of bananas. He takes one banana out, he peels the banana, he seasons it with salt, and he throws it away.

The guy wonders: "Why is this old man taking one banana out of his bag, peels the banan...

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The frog which was trained to eat pussy.

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder and sits next to a woman.

The woman is intrigued and asks him about the frog.

Man: "This is my trained frog. He will eat pussy on command".

Woman: "No, I don't believe you".

Man: "Really, it's quite amazing".

Woma...

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English professor

An English professor is standing in front of his class giving a lecture on proper punctuation.

Professor: "I've noticed a lot of people using quotation marks for emphasis, and I just wanted to clear this up because it can cause a lot of confusion in certain circumstances."

He puts up a...

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