I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention.

all i got was bunch of measly tips!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I'm very stern in reminding people to tip generously when they go eat somewhere

Especially somewhere like my house.

Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

How much do you get paid to preform a circumcision?

Not much, but you get to keep the tips.

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

The bellboy at this hotel must be keen for his tips...

...I asked him to fetch me a deck of playing cards and it took him 52 trips to get them to me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

Science tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

They should make a show where black guys give style tips to tacky white men..

Call it “Black Eye For The White Guy”

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always tip the bathroom attendant...

Because I know he's seen some shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

Internet security tip - don’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.

​

NOTE: Not my joke but from work

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

Christmas tip

Christmas tip: wrap a bunch of empty boxes under the tree and every time one your kids misbehaves toss one into the fire


Of course be careful not to run out of children

Study tip: Don't drink water while studying

Because water decreases concentration.

Have you heard the joke where Jesus tips over with the cross?

It was quickly reposted.

Psychiatrist: *tips fedora at depressed patient*

"M'lancholy"

Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible.

That way you can get even closer to the car in front.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I...

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time my job fucked me out of my tips...

I'd have $0 because they'd also take that money

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

Two of my British friends accidentally used the same Q-Tips

Now they're cotton buds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't Jews tip?

They don't have theirs, you don't get yours.

Tips for Buying a Car

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought ...

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

Homeopathy weight loss tip:

​

Drink diluted water.

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about...

Singapore: *looking northward, tips fedora*

​

"M'laysia"

#1 Tip for both fastening metal together and streakers:

Pull out your nuts and bolt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally swallowed some tip-ex instead of Viagra last night.

I woke up with a massive correction!

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

What does "LSD" stand for again?

It's on the tip of my tongue....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Pro Tip: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists...

Do not play dead.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...

The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around.

Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do...

Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion.

Why do wasps never leave tips?

Because they're stingy.

What's the difference between a life pro-tip and a pro-life tip?

One tells you to keep the kid, the other is instructions for building a pipe bomb.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

The waitress insisted that I tip her...

So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!

I always tip pregnant waitresses more.

It's cheaper than child support.

Does anyone have any salt water survival tips? I could really use some help.

I'm sort of in a pickle.

Do you drink beer?

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

W...

I kept trying to give my caddy a tip after my last round of golf, but he refused.

Apparently after watching me play, he only wanted money.

Pro tip if you get in a fight with a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you are using super-glue and accidentally glue the tip of your penis

Urine trouble

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear

Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

My son said, "Thanks for giving me tips on how to be less lazy."

I said, "It's the least I could do."

#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

I tried joining a lumberjack site for some strength tips

I couldn't log in.

What do Women's Studies majors like after dessert?

A tip

*tips fedora at the First Lady*

M'lania

After finishing dinner in a restaurant, Indian wife told her husband, "Give tip to the waiter".

Husband called the waiter and said

"Don't get married!"

Tip: Call your baby a normal name

Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.