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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night clothes, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting ...

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Handy tip...

Is what I call my fingers.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

Life tip: watch the movie "Jaws" backwards.

It is a heartwarming story about a giant white shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

DIY Money Saving Tip

Turn an ordinary, old sofa into a sofa bed, by just forgetting your anniversary.

Follow me for more DIY money saving tips.

Follow me for more history tips!

In reading about the sailors of yore, I've found them to be a hearty lot. Times were tough, of course, and some of them turned to pirating. Still, a few of them never lost their community spirit; they would sing and dance together whenever the opportunity allowed them to. They even formed a small gr...

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

Shopping tip for the man who has everything

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip...

A Thanksgiving day tip

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

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A priest goes to the mechanic.

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage."

The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you."

The prie...

Someone gave me a $30 tip today

He said if I wanted more than just the tip it would be $60.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

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An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

What's it like being the rabbi who does circumcisions?

The pay is awful but you get to keep all the tips.

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

I used to have a job circumcising elephants…

The pay was bad, but the tips were big.

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

Some very beefy puns...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

>!ground beef.!<

What do you call a cow with one leg?

>!Steak. !<

What do you call a cow with two legs?

>!Lean beef. !<

What do you call a cow with three legs?

>!Tri-tip. !<

What ...

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

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When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

What did the triangle say to the circle?

“Ay bb you’re all curves, lemme smash. Come on, just the tip.”

So the circle says

“Wow … you’re rather pointed”

And the triangle replies,

“At least I’m not a square.”

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My (lawyer) mom's favorite lawyer joke

A large law firm is getting a lot of bad press because they don't have any women in the firm, so the heads of the firm get together and decide to hire three women and make one of them full partner.



After selecting three candidates, they devise a test to figure out which of them to mak...

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A guy wants to have a horse sized penis…

He asks his friends for tips on how he can make his unit grow like a horse.
One of his friends says; tie a weight to it and you will see that it will start to grow.

So off he goes. A week later his friend asks him; so how is it going?

He says; well, no growth yet but the color is...

How does a Jewish doctor get paid for delivering babies?

He just keeps the tips...


(We're all going to Hell anyway)

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I have some great stock tips..

Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.


If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.

The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."

The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have balls."
<...

Two lawyers order late-night pizza

Two lawyers close out the night at the firm with a pizza. They note in the online order they’ll tip the delivery driver $50 if they bring it right up to them on the 24th floor

They’re on the 12th.

I think Unilever should print little government conspiracies on their cotton swabs.

They could call them “Q tips”

*tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip.

Never mind it is pointless.

How much should you tip your hitman?

At least double what their employer paid.

A Canadian was at an all-inclusive resort and was being a good guest by tipping the bartender.

However, he was really just using it as a opportunity to unload his old Canadian Tire money.

This went on all week until the last day. He approached bar, but his favourite bartender was not there. When he asked about him, he got some shocking news.

"I'm sorry sir, he didn't show up for...

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners h...

[NSFW] pro tip:

Next time your bro plans to ride his babe, call shotgun

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

The UK’s oldest woman turned 114 today.

When asked about the secret to long life, her tip was to take a long midnight walk down by the Thames, as she did. She was asked whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in London over the past year, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health a...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

Deciding if you should tip someone can be hard

It all essentially comes down whether their balance can take it.

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I used to work as a penis inspector

The pay wasn't good but the tips were great!

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

I'm thinking about becoming a mohel

From what I hear, the pay isn't great but there's lots of tips.

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Interviewer asked me if I ever lied about my penis.

Interviewer: Have you ever lied regarding your penis.

Me: Yes, once while rubbing the tip through my pant leg someone asked me what I was doing… I lied and told them I was scratching my knee.

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

What does the crime stoppers hot line and a gloryhole have in common?

The tips will always remain anonymous

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I’ve never tipped a cow.

But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

Dicks never leave a tip.

It's the hands' job.

Bathroom Tip

When *you're a pee'n* don't be *rush'n*.

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

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Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

*tips car*

M'tor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any body got a good go to story when on a date to make them laugh … here s mine .. true story buckle up

So I went on holiday to Benidorm with my mate Paul

Now we’re on the beach , red hot day and I’m laid there getting nicely frazzled with a cold beer in one hand and an iPhone in the other hand ,watching the sun give it its best

Now ,all of a sudden my mate Paul gets up and says
<...

Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say...

But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter.

How much do you get paid to perform a circumcision?

Not much, but you get to keep the tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

---

---

But if you fuck it youre going to jail

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I went to pay my tab at the pub but I was 15% short…

The waitress said we could fuck to make up the difference. When I held back most of my dick she asked what the hell I was doing. I told her my bill was paid this is just the tip.

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

My girlfriend told me she felt unappreciated….

I guess leaving a tip on the nightstand is not what she had in mind

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."

Advice for final exams

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Wish me luck, I have end of term exams tomorrow," she tells the bartender. "Good luck," the bartender says. "Are you all prepared?" "I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I even texted my ex last night," she says. "I asked him if he ha...

Have you guys heard about the Sharpie molester?

Apparently he only felt tips.

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"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?"

"I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning"

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Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Never ask a Physicist for cooking tips.

They'll just say Thyme is relative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

My wife always talks like an empty tip jar

Such non cents

I was circumcised yesterday.

The doctor did such a good job I left him a tip.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach?

it's not hard

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

Holiday tip

This Thanksgiving, if you see 20 cars at your neighbor's house, and you're thinking about reporting them, go to the fridge and drink a big glass of milk.

Why? Milk is good for your teeth!

You know what else is good for your teeth?

Minding your own business.

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

How can you recognize an extrovert Finn?

When they talk to you they stare at the tips of *your* shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alligator walks in to a bar

The bartender asks, what can I get you?
The alligator says, I would like a job.
After determining that the alligator had no experience, the bartender said he would give him a chance as a bouncer if he could keep the place safe.
That night, things were going alright until a fight broke out...

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends...

I was getting home very late after drinking with friends.

When I was close to home I turned off my headlights, put the car in neutral and coasted up to the house. I closed the car door very quietly, took off my shoes and closed the front door very quietly. Carrying my shoes I tip toed up th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better

Wanda must be one lucky lady!

I asked my doctor if he takes tips.

He said I had mistaken him for a mohel.

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