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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

I’ve never tipped a cow.

But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.

How much should you tip your hitman?

At least double what their employer paid.

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

My wife always talks like an empty tip jar

Such non cents

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

I asked my doctor if he takes tips.

He said I had mistaken him for a mohel.

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

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Ole and Lena are drinking to beat the winter blues along with their neighbor, Sven.

All three of them are having a grand old time, when Ole noticed that they were quickly running out of booze. Ever the thoughtful gentleman, Ole bundles up and trudges to the liquor store.

Upon his return, Ole opens his front door only to see Sven and Lena bare naked and fucking on the couch....

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

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Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

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Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach?

it's not hard

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

No one should ever tip their waiter/waitress

Their job is hard enough without their customers pushing them over.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:

Don’t get emotionally attached

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

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For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better

Wanda must be one lucky lady!

I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year

Wear a mask!!!

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Did you ever hear the one about the leper and the prostitute?

After he was done he said "I left you the tip"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet?

He already had all the tips he needed.

Circumcision jobs don't pay much

But you get to keep the tips

I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips

Survival tip!

When ever my son goes snowboarding, I make him stuff hotbdogs in his pockets...

So the rescue dogs will find him first!

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

What so you call a pencil with no tip?

Pointless

Sherlock and Watson were investigating a home robbery.

They were going around the house looking for any clues or fingerprints. They were also going off tips from people who witnessed the crime. "One of the people said the guy was in here for a good fifteen or so minutes" said Watson.

"Fifteen minutes? What was he doing here for that long?" Sherlo...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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What would you say to a good masturbation tip ?

That wood cum in hand'y

So I work at a hospital doing circumcisisions

It pays horribly, but at least I get to keep the tips.

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America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...

I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!

What do you call someone with frosted tips and dandruff?

Frosted flakes

I'm sorry

How much does a rabbi charge for a circumcision

Nothing. He just keeps the tips.

On my first day working at a bank an old lady walked in and asked if I could help her check her balance.

I said, "Ma'am, are you sure?"

She replied, "Yes if you don't mind."

So I gave her a slight push and she tipped right over.

Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be water under the fridge.

What do you call a cow....

With no legs? - Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? - T bone

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? - Lean beef

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? - Tri-tip

What do you call a cow with 4 legs? - Cow

What do you call a cow with 5 legs? - McDonald's

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PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES.

this is not a joke I’m suffering!

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but...

The tips were massive.

So, I was talking to my British friend.

I told him that I started watching some British TV. The name of what I saw was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

He told me to describe it and I said, “you know, the one with the doctor.”

“Oh Doctor Who?”

“No, Dr No!”

“Oh, thanks but I’...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

Many people lost everything in the Wall st. crash of 1929.

But some people got out in time. John Raskob was one of these. When asked how he avoided calamity he answered:

I owe it all to my shoe shine boy.

I knew when my shoe shine boy was giving me stock tips it was time to get out of the market.

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I ate a rope and now I'm constipated

I shit you knot!

What do you call an American who doesn't tip?

Cheap.

What do you call a Brit who doesn't tip?

Creasp.

Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts

Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)

A bunch of boys decide to go cow tipping...

They go up to the fence and they are all standing there. They all point out the closest cow and have one of the boys go tip it over. The cow falls over and they all laugh. They find another cow and another kid goes over, tips it, and they laugh.

One of the boys sees a fence a little ways awa...

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you all look out the left side of the plane..."

"... it'll tip over"

(Credit to The Golden Girls)

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

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Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

Why does the ugly waitress work for tips?

Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in

How do you pay a manicurist?

By giving a finger tip

Why are most American men circumcised?

Because its rude to have the hospital deliver you and not leave a tip

Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home

and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over…

…He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting a old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any gators around here?” “naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!” Feeling safe, the tour...

Top Tip

Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

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Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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Duchess

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven’t seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he’ll be severely punished. T...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name o...

I have a question about cow tipping.

Is 15% enough?

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

Any tips / ideas on what to do for memorial day?

I forgot what to do

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).

I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.

All submissions are greatly appr...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

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I heard about a new genre of book that gives tips on how to please a woman.

However, I couldn't find the cliterature.

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The four horsemen were riding across the world, when Death decided to hit on Pestilence.

He looks over at Pestilence, and with a tip of his cloak, says "M'alady."

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

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Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

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Life pro tip: Be a dick to neighborhood kids

They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!

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What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? B...

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

Urinal etiquette tips

It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”

What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?

With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip

I always tip my waiter.

He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom’

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom.’

The doctors says ‘okay, let me have a look.’

After a brief examination the doctor says to the patient. ‘Well sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg’

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

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Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

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