UPJOKE
pointtiptoepeakhintgratuitysummitconecounselspotbendtiltbungangleslantcusp

Tip Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much tip do I give a prostitute?

All of it if she is brave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion.

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

A tip for younger married men

If your wife walks into the room and asks what you think of the dress she just bought, DO NOT ask her if it’s for Halloween.

I am in the doghouse…

Tip for giving a hand job.

Use your head.

What do you get when you play "Just the Tip" with a Norse God?

Thorskin

Pro tip on how to pick up girls

Lift with your legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

Life tip: watch the movie "Jaws" backwards.

It is a heartwarming story about a giant white shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

Handy tip...

Is what I call my fingers.

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

DIY Money Saving Tip

Turn an ordinary, old sofa into a sofa bed, by just forgetting your anniversary.

Follow me for more DIY money saving tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

Shopping tip for the man who has everything

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

Someone gave me a $30 tip today

He said if I wanted more than just the tip it would be $60.

I saw someone tip a bucket of mayonnaise on my car.

What the Hellman!

How much should you tip your hitman?

At least double what their employer paid.

A Thanksgiving day tip

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?

Circumcision.

Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip.

Never mind it is pointless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

I've found the way I use Q-tips is

Ear-responsible.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

Chef Tips

A chef walks into a bar, orders dinner and watches an episode of Hell's Kitchen on the bar TV. "You know, I used to be one of those chefs that yelled and shouted all the time," the bartender comments. "And then I discovered oven mitts."

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

Deciding if you should tip someone can be hard

It all essentially comes down whether their balance can take it.

If you tilt a Q-tip on it's side,

It's no longer a Q-tip.

It's askew-tip.

>!Funniest joke I've ever come up with!<

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say...

But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home

and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

My wife always talks like an empty tip jar

Such non cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: How do you spot an Asexual person in a Nudist Beach?

it's not hard

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.