What chocolate did the Egyptians eat?

Pharoh-rochere

Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

My trip to the Egyptian Pyramids was great!

I saw mummies of cats, dogs, and even donkeys! But I will not talk about the elephant in the tomb.

What is Lady Gaga’s favorite Egyptian god?

RA RA OOH LA LA

What do you call an Egyptian chef?

Gordon Ramses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist?

A Cairopractor

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

How do Egyptians get to work?

They use a new bus!

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

One of my favorite old Egyptian Jokes

There was some men gathered together, one of them said "if you're scared of your wife, move to the left a couple steps"
Everyone moved except one. So he asked the one guy "why didn't you move?"
He said "my wife told me stay put in this spot."

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

What do you call an Egyptian god who's bad at videogames?

Anoobis.

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

If two Egyptian pharaohs farted at the same time...

...did they toot in common?

What did the ancient egyptians call their milfs?

Mummies

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?

A nileist

This Egyptian bird was giving me trouble...

...talking about life and death and the afterlife, threatening me and demanding sacrifices.

When I'd had enough I yelled: "Begone, Thoth!"

What does an Egyptian mathematician use to denote the possible combinations of game moves?

Set theory.

I recently went to an Egyptian business seminar....

I'm telling you though, I swear it was some kind of pyramid scheme man.

The Egyptian police arrived to arrest a tourist for trespassing.

The police said, "Sir, you're in the Nile river. Come out now."

The man shouted, "I'm not in the Nile, you are!"

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

My Egyptian friend just died

I guess it's a wrap...

A man lives on the banks of an Egyptian river

A man lives along the banks of an Egyptian river. Every year the river floods, yet the man remains certain that the river will not destroy his house. One year, the people in his settlement try to persuade him to evacuate, as the floods of that year were vicious. The man did not listen, thinking he w...

Why are Egyptians so good at farting?

They have good Sphinxters

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

I just got a job as an Egyptian god.

Now I’m Set for life.

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

Did you hear about the Egyptian Man who drowned?

He was in denile

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How are Egyptians, trains, and butts similar?

They've got toot in common.

There's been talks saying the Egyptians invented cement...

Historians have looked in the ruins for evidence but there's nothing concrete

What name did they give the Egyptian pharaoh who rarely passed gas?

Toot-uncommon

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Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians?

Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

Egyptians always fart before entering a room

They Tutankhamun

How do ducks fly in Egypt?

They flock like an Egyptian.

What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.

.

.

..

.

.

I want my mummy.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

How do shady Egyptians make money?

Pyramid schemes.

An Egyptian man told me this joke

A man is riding in a cab in Egypt, when the car comes to a red light. Instead of slowing down, the driver accelerates and blows right through the red light.

"What the hell are you doing?!", yells the man.

"Don't worry", answers the driver, pointing to his chest. "Egyptian driver here, ...

Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

Whats a Egyptian gods’ favorite food?

Raman

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(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.

So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little hum...

Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept he was drowning?

He was in denial.

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

Why should you never answer an Egyptian telemarketer?

They will try and get you in on their pyramid schemes

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

Where do Egyptians go when they don't want to face reality

De-nile River

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

I graduated in Egyptian art

But when I tried to get a job things went sideways

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A Boy came home from Sunday School

His mother asked what he learned that day, the boy replied.

'They were teaching us about Moses. Moses had to take the Jews across the Red Sea, so he ordered his military engineers to build a bridge so they can cross the Red Sea, but the Egyptians came chasing after them , so moses ordered his...

Just been told I can get rich quick by buying an old Egyptian building.

I think it's a pyramid scheme.

BREAKING NEWS: Egyptian riverboat sinks with Republican Congressmen aboard.

Last time they were seen they were in denial...

How did the Egyptian Queen seduce the sun god?

She showed him her Nefertitis.

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

What sound does an Egyptian goose make?

“Ankh ankh”

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

What did the Ancient Egyptians call a good lookin mummy?

a MILF

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

Why did the Ancient Egyptians always make it to school on time?

Because they had Anubis

Two Egyptians are having an argument

The first Egyptian farts and the second one laughs so hard he farts.

"Well, at least we have a Tutankhamun!"

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.

It'll be A-new-bus.

I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

Told my wife she was in an Egyptian river.

But she was in Da Nile

What do you call an Egyptian god who sucks at CS:GO?

A-noob-is.

How many Ancient Egyptians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh! You're a conspiracy theorist too?

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

The Egyptian Boatmaker

Have you heard about the Egyptian boatmaker? For as long as he can remember, he has been wanting to make boats for a living.
But despite practicing his craft his entire life, he was always ridiculed for his work. Because no matter how hard he tried, his boats were not able to float for more than ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for farting?

They all had a toot-in-common

What do you call an Egyptian who doesn't want things to change?

Aziz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Egyptian joke my uncle told me.

At a border between two cities, a police officer sits in his hut, managing the border.

One day, a man comes riding on a bicycle with two bags. The police officer looks through the bag to find only sand. He gives the man on the bicycle a weird look, but tells him to pass. After all, it's only ...

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

Two Egyptians are on a first date together.

They decide to go to a nice restaurant and begin finding out about each other. As the evening progresses, it seems that they don't like or do a lot of the same things. Bummed that it doesn't look like this first date is a success, they decide to walk to get some ice cream in the hopes to finish off ...

Ancient Egyptian king smells like

Pharohmones

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

I think I ate some bad Egyptian food today.

I falafel.

Why do Egyptians never believe they’re drowning?

They’re in de Nile

What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?

A Cairo-Proctor!

Why is an Egyptian tomb like a train whistle?

They have a toot in common.

Where did the Egyptians park when they visited King Arthur?

Camelot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Egyptian men do when they get a divorce?

They find Anubitch

My Egyptian friend just couldn't believe he was drowning...

turns out he was in de-Nile

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

(OC) What did the sick Egyptian cook say?

"I falafel."

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