UPJOKE
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Whats the difference between an ancient Egyptian Prince and a Kardashian?

The Egyptian knew from the start that their daddy would become a mummy.

I just got a job as an Egyptian god.

Now I’m Set for life.

An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

Why are Egyptians so good at farting?

They have good Sphinxters

Why shouldn't you work for an Egyptian company?

They're all pyramid schemes

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Got terrible back ache so I'm seeing my Egyptian specialist later.

He's a cairopractor.

what did the two Egyptian dude say when they had the same fart sound?

Hey bro we have a Tutankhamen!

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

What do you call an Egyptian who rarely farts?

Toot-Uncommon.

How do you enter an ancient Egyptian burial chamber?

You just give a Tutankhamen.

People looked at me stupid when I said I saw my first Irish-Egyptian hieroglyph today...

It read "Made in Eejit"

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country

I think they are in de Nile

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef

Gordon Ramses II

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?

Mummies, I guess.

What do you call an Egyptian doctor who fixes back problems?

A Cairo-practor!

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

Two archaeologists are excavating an ancient Egyptian tomb

Suddenly both archaeologists let out loud farts in unison. They turn to each other and one says, “Hmm, it seems that we have a Tutankhamen”

How do Egyptians get to work?

They use a new bus!

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

Why did egyptians never believe in science

Because they were in da Nile

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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

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diverse joke

>An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutane...

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

What's the only animal unaffected by climate change?

Egyptian Crocodiles.


Because they live in the Nile.

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

Why did the Egyptian go swimming as soon as his mom passed away?

De Nile is the first stage of grief

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

What did the Egyptian say when he fell out of his boat?

I'm in denial

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

What do you call an Egyptian god who's bad at videogames?

Anoobis.

Inspired by the Egyptian goddess of motherhood, I announced that I would name my unborn daughter Isis.

People lost their heads.

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

What do Egyptians and The Kardashians have in common?

The both had no clue that one day their daddy would become a mummy.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

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I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..

But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

My Egyptian friend and I have the exact same farts

Toot in common

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

Where were the Egyptians during the flood?

In de-nile

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What did the ancient Egyptians wipe their butts with?

Poopyrus.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian cook?

Gordon Rameses.

What do you call a sick Egyptian?

Sir Cough-a-gus

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

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[NSFW] A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man

at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth ...

What is one thing that Egyptian kids do not realise?

That their Daddies will eventually become Mummies...

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

I saw an Egyptian not accepting his responsibilities

He was in de-Nile to say the least

Two Egyptians walk into a bar

"Where's your third friend?" Asks the bartender.

"He's gone to drink his sorrows down in the river." They replied.

"Oh no, is he depressed?"

"No, he's in De Nile."

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How do you say boobs in ancient egyptian?

Nefertitty

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.

They have a mummy-back guarantee!

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

Why were the Egyptian children confused?

Because their daddies were mummies.

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

Walk like an Egyptian

I have to admit. I'm pretty disappointed. I met a guy from Egypt today He walked just like us.

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What do you get when you cross an arab man with an Egyptian man?

Nothing, in both those countries homosexuality is illegal and it is banned.

Egyptian mythology has become popular in Syria

Isis has been blowing up over there

Did you hear about the Egyptian Man who drowned?

He was in denile

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

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What do you call a big breasted Egyptian woman?

Nefertitty

Why did the ancient egyptians all love Nissan?

Because Nissan Sentra.


My wife says I'm going to Duat for this one....

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

I recently went to an Egyptian business seminar....

I'm telling you though, I swear it was some kind of pyramid scheme man.

When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.

What do flatulent Egyptian twins share?

They have a Toot-in-common.

Which Egyptian Pharoah was the most judgemental?

King Tut Tut

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The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.

Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"

PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."

Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"

PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he was drowning?

He was in denial

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

How do shady Egyptians make money?

Pyramid schemes.

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, ...

An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else!

He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

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Which Egyptian Pharoah was well known for his farts and orgasms?

Tutenkhamun

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

My trip to the Egyptian Pyramids was great!

I saw mummies of cats, dogs, and even donkeys! But I will not talk about the elephant in the tomb.

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

Egyptians always fart before entering a room

They Tutankhamun

Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.

It'll be A-new-bus.

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

What do you call an Egyptian god who sucks at CS:GO?

A-noob-is.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

What did the Ancient Egyptians call a good lookin mummy?

a MILF

A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

Because his daddy was a mummy

An Egyptian man told me this joke

A man is riding in a cab in Egypt, when the car comes to a red light. Instead of slowing down, the driver accelerates and blows right through the red light.

"What the hell are you doing?!", yells the man.

"Don't worry", answers the driver, pointing to his chest. "Egyptian driver here, ...

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?

A nileist

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

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Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians?

Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

I was excited to work for the ancient Egyptians

Until I realized it was a pyramid scheme

One of my favorite old Egyptian Jokes

There was some men gathered together, one of them said "if you're scared of your wife, move to the left a couple steps"
Everyone moved except one. So he asked the one guy "why didn't you move?"
He said "my wife told me stay put in this spot."

What does an Egyptian mathematician use to denote the possible combinations of game moves?

Set theory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Egyptian joke my uncle told me.

At a border between two cities, a police officer sits in his hut, managing the border.

One day, a man comes riding on a bicycle with two bags. The police officer looks through the bag to find only sand. He gives the man on the bicycle a weird look, but tells him to pass. After all, it's only ...

The Egyptian police arrived to arrest a tourist for trespassing.

The police said, "Sir, you're in the Nile river. Come out now."

The man shouted, "I'm not in the Nile, you are!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

Why is it really hard to convince Egyptians?

Because they all live in de-nile...

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

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(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.

So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little hum...

This Egyptian bird was giving me trouble...

...talking about life and death and the afterlife, threatening me and demanding sacrifices.

When I'd had enough I yelled: "Begone, Thoth!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

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How are Egyptians, trains, and butts similar?

They've got toot in common.

I graduated in Egyptian art

But when I tried to get a job things went sideways

Understanding the wealth of ancient Egyptians means...

...realizing that not only did they stuff the tombs with gold, but also wrapped the corpses in toilet paper.

Why should you never answer an Egyptian telemarketer?

They will try and get you in on their pyramid schemes

The ancient Egyptians almost never passed gas

Until the king made tootin' common.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Egyptian matriarch with small breasts?

Nevertiti

Two Egyptians are having an argument

The first Egyptian farts and the second one laughs so hard he farts.

"Well, at least we have a Tutankhamun!"

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

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