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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours

So they called it a day

My friend is the most average person on the planet yet he loves to go around judging and criticising other people

He's really mean

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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

Does anyone go around looking for particularly somber grass?

Just so they can say, "This is a grave yard."

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?

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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three?

One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

Why did the chicken go around the world?

Because his name was Marco Pollo..

What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?

Antiquing.

How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around?

This sub has officially run out of IDs.

An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert

After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you onl...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

An Irishman moves to England

At the ripe old age of 80 he passes away. A couple of his drinking buddies go around from house to house to collect money to be able to bury their friend. They stop at an old Englishman's house and ask if he can give them one euro to bury an Irishman. The Englishman tells them, "Hell, I'll give you ...

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A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor do...

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

To all those going through something difficult in 2020

Just go around it!!

Do bears wear shoes

Or do they go around bare foot?

3 guys in line for heaven

3 men die and are waiting in line for heaven. The guy at the gate who decides if they can get in or not tells them,

"Alright, so in the book of life, i have lost everything that has happened in the last 30 minutes. If you can give me an honest account of what happened to you in your last few ...

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