Does anyone go around looking for particularly somber grass?

Just so they can say, "This is a grave yard."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

Why did Bryan Cranston dress up as a priest and go around exorcising nuns' clothing?

He was breaking bad habits.

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?

Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three?

One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

So they decided to call it a day

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

What's it called when you go around looking for stuff to buy that's made in America?

Antiquing.

How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around?

This sub has officially run out of IDs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does the Easter Bunny go around hiding all those eggs?

Because he doesn't want everyone to know that he's been fucking that chicken.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out...

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What do you call a bunch of swords that go around fucking people without their consent?

Rapiers.

At recess, all the children are playing outside.

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.

"No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird."

A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.

"No thanks, I'd rather n...

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

A panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. Upon finishing his meal, the panda pulls out a gun from his folds and points it at the patron next to him. Before the patron or the bartender realizes what’s happening, the panda pulls the trigger and gets up to leave.
“What the hell are you doing?! ...

The Big Hole

These 2 guys were walking on a road when, the see a huge hole.

Guy 1 : Let’s throw something in there to see if there is an end.

Guy 2 : Sure

They throw a small rock, yet they here nothing, now a 1x1 foot rock, still nothing, but they see a log and grab it from both ends, and to...

Three blondes are lost in a forest.

When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vorte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both go around Uranus looking for cling-ons

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Johnny got a train set for christmas

Johnny got a train set for Christmas, his mom was in the kitchen and his dad was at work as Johnny played with his trains. He makes the train go around and around the track and stops at the train station and says

"All the assholes that want to get on, get on. All the assholes that want to ge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The thi...

In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).

He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it. "Tree. Stream. Rocks."

They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian humping a squaw's brains out. The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh......

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

I said to my girlfriend....

I said, "Isabelle i'll never get over you, i'll have to get up and go around"

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A lion and his wife where sitting around one morning when a fox came by

... and started cursing "Fuck the lion, king of the jungle my ass, fuck this fuck that..." and then ran off, the lioness looks at the lion and says : "aren't you going to do something?!" and the lion said: "Just leave him alone"

The next morning same thing happens, and the lioness asks the li...

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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and taps gently on the door

When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go aro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Religion is like a man's penis.

It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.

Warnings about motorcycles

Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.

I don't get it.

I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left

Man dies on a building site

The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife.

One volunteers, saying he is "good with this sensitive stuff".

A short while later he returns with 2 crates of beer.

"Where'd you get them", asks one of the builders...

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A poor little boy writes a letter to Santa

A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa: "Dear Santa, I'm very poor and I don't have much. My dad passed away last year and my mom doesn't spend much time with me as she's usually very tired after drinking wine. I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plen...

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A man is driving past a farm when he runs over a rooster...

He feels bad about it, so he collects the rooster and goes to knock on the door of the farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the man says, "I'm afraid I've run over your rooster, it was out in the road. I really do apologize, and I'm more than happy to replace him."

The farmer ha...

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Yo momma is so fat ...

* when she wants to take a bath, She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water

* I crashed into her for 15 minutes

* I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

* She farted in the pool and flooded New Orleans

* when she steps on a scale it yells, ...

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class.

Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, "ok class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah."

Sarah said "cows have spots." Terrence said "baseball is a sport." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*LONG* 3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They all pleaded with the tribe leader to let them go.

Since Christmas is around the corner, the tribe leader is in a good mood and promise to let them go if they can individually complete 2 task given by the tribe lea...

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on...

A father-son hike

A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native american and says, “son, native americans have the best memory of any people...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

The cannibals capture the men and bring them to their chief. The chief orders, "you three have to face my trial. If you succeed, you will be freed. But if you fail, we will eat you. Now, go around the island, collect ten units of one fruit and come back to me." The three men obey, and set off on the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Socks are like sex

There's plenty to go around, yet I never seem to have any.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lil Johnny in Class

The teacher begins the new week by deciding to go around the room and ask each student to cover her a word that starts with a designated letter. She asks for a volunteer for the letter A and Lil Johnny is the first to shoot his hand up.

The teacher thinks, "Johnny always has the most perver...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski. Zade was always last for everything due to his name. Everything always seemed to run out before Zade received his portion. Schoolbooks, supplies, food rations. Disappointed, Zade joined the military out of high school thinking that he would be treated eq...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so...

A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.

The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."

The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."

Johnny on his first day of high school

Johnny sat in a circle with the rest of his new classmates on his first day of high school.

Teacher: Now kids we're going to play a game so we learn a bit about each other. We're going to go around the circle and each person is going to tell me their name, favourite animal and who they'd take...

So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide...

As soon as you take a single slice of pizza...

...there's no longer enough to go around.

Blonde attempts Suicide

One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a suicide note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "H...

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The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we'r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jimmy goes to school

Every day in school, Little Jimmy swears in the classroom when teacher isn't around. After a while, girls in class goes to teacher and tell him that Jimmy swears a lot. Teacher tells them to run away from classroom screaming when Jimmy swears again.

Next day, Little Jimmy is coming later tha...

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

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A newly made fairy godmother is walking through the forest...

when she hears the sound of crying. She follows the sound and discovers a yellow frog. "Why are you crying?" she asks the frog. "Look at me," he responds, "I'm yellow all over. The other frogs laugh at me and I just can't take it anymore."

"Well," says the fairy godmother, "I just happen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate moving house...

It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again.

I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard.