UPJOKE
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Spin Jokes

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

"Dad, why is the Earth spinning?"

"Oh you little rascal, you took a sip of my beer, didn't you?"

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

I love the way the Earth spins on its axis.

it always makes my day.

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

What's white and grey and spins at 2400rpm?

An albatross in a 747.

What do you call it when everyone spins round once?

A communist revolution.

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

Why do married people spin their wedding band?

They are trying to figure out the combination

Why don't more men take spinning classes?

Because guys don't want to be a around a bunch of women on their cycle.

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

What do you call a spinning potato

Rotato

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

What's the fastest spinning country?

France, because it has the most revolutions per minute.

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What’s a stripper doing when performing a spin on the pole?

A sexual revolution.

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Spin on a joke I posted here a while back.

OG JOKE:


My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical deity approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of...

If you spin an Asian person around, what do they become?

Disoriented.

Why was Benjamin spinning around and sleepy?

Because Benadryl

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

Super stoked for the new Cosby Show spin-off...

Pudding it in Cosby.

What's green and red, and spins at 1,000 RPM?

A frog in a blender.

What happens when you get a Communist to play "spin the bottle"?

Famine.

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

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I thought I wouldn’t like masturbating while spinning in my desk chair.

But I’m coming around to it.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

What is empty and spins round and round?

A Malaysian Airlines baggage claim.

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What's the hardest part about fidget spinning?

Telling your parents you're gay.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

Did you hear about the new spin-off/crossover series starring Chris Pratt?

It’s called Parks and Rex

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What spins really fast, then gets shot by zookeepers?

Harambeyblades

.

.

.

.

This might be the stupidest fucking joke I've written in months.

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

What do you call Bob Ross spinning around in circles at a theatre play?

Aphrodisiac

A young boy says to his father, "Dad, why does the dog spin in circles when she's excited?"

The boy's father replies, "Because it's very hard to spin in squares."

Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

Man walks into a bar

A man walks into a fancy bar and orders a glass of wine. It's early in the evening and the bar is mostly empty.

"Hey man, love the suit. That color? It looks great on you," says a voice near him. He turns to see who it is, but no one is there. I must be hearing things, the man thought. He to...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

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I recently bought a spinning chair...

My girlfriend was super pissed about my purchase. Until I let her sit on it. I guess you could say she... *came around*.

Why did the male spider spin a web?

So he could catch all the fly ladies.

What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair?

A fidget spinner

If you think politicians are the best at 'spin'...

you should listen more at funerals.

My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people

And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

TLC launching new spin-off Josh Duggar retrospective series....

"15 and Mounting".

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

In the move The Exorcist, people are concerned when Reagan levitates and her head spins around on her body

But to any other demon, this is just a pair of normal activity.

Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles!

Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!

Why was Jesus hanging around the spinning teacups carnival ride?

He was taking away the sins of the whirled

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

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There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

If you spin an Chinese man around a hundred times...

does he get disoriented?

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

What happens if you spin an oriental person around really fast for an extended period of time?

They become disoriented.

An airplane's propeller is just a big fan, and its purpose is to keep the pilot's cool.

Need proof?

Watch how much they "sweat" when it stops spinning!

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What does watching golf and a giant spinning dildo have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you.

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel...

Before the manager told me to get off...

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

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What do you call a spinning, bisexual dinosaur that loves Juno & Superbad?

Biceratops

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One to screw the lightbulb and several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

I took my subatomic car to the quantum mechanic

He said the wheels have no spin

What are the propellers on an aircraft for?

They work the Air conditioner.
Cause when the propellers stop spinning, the pilot starts sweating.

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

I went on a date with a red head once.

It was going smoothly and we talked for a long while over some beers. She kept spinning her hair around her finger and looked at me smiling. I took it as a good sign but turns out it was just a red hair ring.

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s...

How can you tell if your girlfriend is too fat?

She keeps getting picked in spin the bottle

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