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Gifts Jokes

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

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Granma always shit on our gifts…

My whole family went in to buy Gran one of those chair lifts to get up to the second floor “her bedroom is on the 2nd and she has been struggling over the last few years”. We had a professional install it and finally got everyone together to see her. We asked her “Hey Granma, how do you like the lif...

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

My wife said that if I got her any more stupid gifts she'd burn it.

I hope she likes her candle

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

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God's Gifts

God is with Eve and Adam in the garden, He's about to leave, but has one last gift for each of them. "Which of you my children would like to pee standing up?" Adam jumps forward..."Me... Me!" God makes it so and Adam, looking pleased, goes to try it out. When Adam returns, God has left, and Eve is...

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

I got an wedding invite that said, “We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself.”

Reading it, I realized that I wasn’t invited.

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Anniversary Gifts

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for their respective anniversaries. The rich man says, "I got my wife a Mercedes and a three karat diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why did you get her both?" "Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other. What did ...

My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren’t here today.

I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

Anniversary gifts

A friend of mine was explaining to me that she wasn't sure what to get her boyfriend for their upcoming anniversary but that he was dropping hints about matador equipment and communist paraphernalia. I told her those are big red flags.

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Christmas Gifts

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

Son asks his father for a gift

Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday

Dad: - What do you want Son

Son: - I need a Bitcoin

Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

They say kids are gifts...

But I prefer to play with the box they come in.

My Kids are buying me gifts for Father's day,

Hope I can afford it.

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it. So I bought her a candle.

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

Three Gifts from God

God is so kind, and he gives Americans three gifts honesty, intelligence, and Donald Trump.

He doesn't want to see Americans become too greedy, so each person can only choose two gifts.

If a person chooses honesty and Trump, then he will not be an intelligent person.

If a person...

My wife is getting sick and tired of me buying her stupid gifts.

"Next one you buy, I'm going to burn it." She screamed.

So, I bought her a candle.

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

Why didn't A,B,C and D get gifts from Santa?

Cause they were notE.

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Christmas gifts...

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas.

So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone onething she got. "My daddy got me a B...

I asked Santa Claus what three gifts he would like to share with his wife for Christmas, and all he said was a...

Ho Ho Ho.

Joe……….

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites hi...

Women are truly gifts!

They usually aren't what you expected/wanted.

Why so many gifts on the Ellen show?

For the name of the host is Ellen the Generous

What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

Two gifts to Adam and Eve

When God was almost done creating Adam and Eve he said to them: "Alright I am almost done with you. I have two more gifts I can give you"

Adam and Eve go "what is it?"
God "the first one is the gift of peeing while standing upright..." Adam interrupts "Pick me me me!!! I want to pee standi...

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

Why don't abalone exchange gifts?

They're pretty shellfish.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

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Anniversary Gifts NSFW

Two friends have the same anniversary date. They get together for a beer and compare what they each got for their wife. The first friend begins.

"I got my wife a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."

His friend replies, "Wow, why did you get her both of those?"

"Well if she doesnt ...

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on ...

What do you call it when Santa doesn't bring you any gifts?

Hanukkah

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..."

Poor people say "Ramen."

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How i handle Christmas gifts

Typically I buy everyone two presents one their gift and the other a dildo. Reason being if they don't like their gift, they can take the dildo and go fu** themselves.

Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock....

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

When Jesus was given his gifts by the wise men...

Were they birthday presents or Christmas presents?

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A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.

Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.

Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?

Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.

Husband: oh, thank you my love.

Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed a...

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Did your son like his birthday gifts?

-Did your son like his birthday presents?

-Oh, he broke every single one of them - the phone, gaming console and even notebook..

-My god! Did he break my gift too?!

-Nope, your fucking hammer is fine.

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

What do you call an unexpected gifts store?

Present Supplies

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