I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

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I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can not come let me know..

I'm starting a charity to teach short people maths

It's called, "Making the little things count"

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can’t come let me know

If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.

After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

I donate to a charity called OnlyFans

Because those girls can't even afford clothes!

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

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A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn’t collected any money and decides to help him out “Rabbi, why don’t you try asking for charity outside of a s...

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

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We really shouldn't be surprised that NASCAR banned the Confederate flag and is participating in charity auctions for pride month

They've been going left for years

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

I hate giving money to Charity

It's bad enough I lost half my stuff, but paying her alimony aswell is ridiculous.

A CEO was asked to give money to a charity

A worker at a charity organization went to a CEO's office to ask for a donation.

He Said: "Sir I don't mean to bother you, but I've noticed that you haven't given any money to our charity, you seem pretty well off and we were wondering if you would be willing to donate."

The CEO said: ...

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Today I gave Charity $100

She thanked me with a blowjob.

Hello, I am crow. Would you like to give to charity?

Caw caw caw caw


.......


It's four good caws.

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

I’ve been working at a charity, teaching college education to reformed Mexican gangsters.

It’s not going very well because for some reason they refuse to turn in their essays.

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

Wife says to her Husband, I am going to donate all of the clothes I no longer wear to Charity.

Wife: I am going to donate them all to the starving women in Africa.

Husband: If any of your clothes fit them, they definitely not starving.

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

So i tried to sell my soul to Satan for my crush's affiliation

He said he's running a business,not a charity

Charity begins at home

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons.

1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?

Because they are shellfish

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

A crow asks a lady to donate to it's charity

'Whats your charity called?' , asks the lady.

' CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! ' , said the crow,

' It's four good caws'

What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA?

Make a wish foundation

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

A charity puts out an appeal for medical supplies...

The charity, Concern put out an appeal for medical supplies.

Unfortunately nobody at all came forward.

The charity remained surprisingly upbeat about it, later tweeting:
There is no gauze for Concern.

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

A preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven...

There is a guy in front of him waiting to go to Heaven, too.
The preacher asks the guy, “what did you do in your life?”
The guy replies, “Well, I was a bus driver. But I always stole and cheated and broke the law a lot.”
The preacher says, “In my life I was a preacher. I always gave to cha...

I got booed off stage for saying I still live with my mum...

Never doing a charity gig for an orphanage again...

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

Trump, a charity worker, and a fire fighter are on a plane.

The plane loses power and starts to go down.

The pilot comes out and says, "We only have three parachutes! Someone is going down with the plane!"

Trump grabs a chute and says, "I cant die. I'm the greatest, most intelligent, most beloved person, who knows all the words, and is overall...

What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organisation.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity

Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Dar...

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way.

The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"


One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't y...

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Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

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Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"
...

I was walking home drunk when I came across some people collecting for charity.

I don't know why they got so upset when I vomited in their bucket of coins and banknotes.

They had clearly labelled it: FOR THE SICK.

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.



That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

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