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Charity Jokes

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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I like to give a percentage of my earnings to Charity....

......and other strippers.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

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I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can’t come let me know

Charity Work.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, hurry up, some of us got homes to go to...

The fuse had blown on a lamp I was throwing away and my mother suggested I give it to a charity shop

I told her I couldn’t do that, they’d only re-fuse it

A charity worker goes to visit a very successful businessman in his town to find out why he has never donated to any charity in the community.

"Sir, you have been so very successful in this town, and this community has given you much. Why have you never given back to the community?"

The businessman says, "Listen, son, did you know that my wife's mother has been suffering for years in the hospital, and requires constant care and medi...

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity.

.....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

I like to think I’m a pretty good man. I give over 50% of my paycheck to Charity.

But when she’s not working I give it to Destiny.

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

Tesla held a charity convention for the deaf last week

the entire day was just sign, sign everywhere a sign

My coworker is asking for donations for his charity marathon

But I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run

Charity for golfers

A guy walks into a bar and notices a money jar by the tap. "What's the jar for?" the guy asks. "We're raising funds to help golfers who absolutely hate putting," the bartender replies. "Feel free to chip in."

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NSFW: I asked a group of prostitutes if they would donate their services to my charity.

None of them gave a fuck.

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

If I win $70M lottery this week, I'd give half of mine to charity.

She's a great wife.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

If I win 1million lottery I'm gonna give quarter to charity.

Then I'm gonna keep the $999999.75 for myself

A man stopped me in my path and waved his charity bucket at me.

"You!" he said. "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do!"

I said, "Please move, then. I want to buy my lunch."

I donate to a charity called OnlyFans

Because those girls can't even afford clothes!

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

A charity collector paid a visit to the town miser.

"I know you made a profit of more than $500,000 last year alone. Yet you haven't made one donation to our charity!" he berated the miser.

The miser looked up in anger.
"Well, did you also know about my elderly mother, who is currently undergoing an expensive, prolonged treatment for her he...

Last month, I gave half of my salary to charity.

That's probably why my wife found out about her.

Why is The Salvation Army the best known charity?

The others just don't ring a bell.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

I won a tutu in a charity draw at my daughter's ballet school. My Mexican friend entered as well.

Juan won one tutu too.

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only *miner* injuries.

Do you guys wanna donate to my charity?

It's a non profit organization called "Caw Caw Caw Caw"

It's four good caws

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

I'm starting a charity to teach short people maths

It's called, "Making the little things count"

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

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Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

How do you call a German collecting money for charity?

Krautfunding

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organisation.

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

I hate giving money to Charity

It's bad enough I lost half my stuff, but paying her alimony aswell is ridiculous.

I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.

After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

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Today I gave Charity $100

She thanked me with a blowjob.

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A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn’t collected any money and decides to help him out “Rabbi, why don’t you try asking for charity outside of a s...

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

My husband has been missing for six days now

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

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We really shouldn't be surprised that NASCAR banned the Confederate flag and is participating in charity auctions for pride month

They've been going left for years

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

How to make a charity

1. find someone in need
2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone
3. ???
4. nonprofit

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

A crow asks a lady to donate to it's charity

'Whats your charity called?' , asks the lady.

' CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! ' , said the crow,

' It's four good caws'

Trump, a charity worker, and a fire fighter are on a plane.

The plane loses power and starts to go down.

The pilot comes out and says, "We only have three parachutes! Someone is going down with the plane!"

Trump grabs a chute and says, "I cant die. I'm the greatest, most intelligent, most beloved person, who knows all the words, and is overall...

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam.

Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA?

Make a wish foundation

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