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I’m hosting a charity event for men unable to ejaculate.

If you can’t come let me know.

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

Billionaires saying they will donate their wealth to charity

... is just a fancy way of saying "Over my dead body".

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

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I’m starting a charity for sex workers and their families

It’s called Food for Thot

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "damn, I might actually win this".

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

What did the beaver say to the doe when asked to do contract work for charity?

"Frankly my deer, I don't give a dam"

I donate to a charity called OnlyFans

Because those girls can't even afford clothes!

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

I'm starting a charity to teach short people maths

It's called, "Making the little things count"

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I'm holding a charity night for people that can't reach orgasm.

If you can not come let me know..

If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.

After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

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Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

I hate giving money to Charity

It's bad enough I lost half my stuff, but paying her alimony aswell is ridiculous.

What kind of lemon performs charity work?

Lemonaid

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A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn’t collected any money and decides to help him out “Rabbi, why don’t you try asking for charity outside of a s...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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We really shouldn't be surprised that NASCAR banned the Confederate flag and is participating in charity auctions for pride month

They've been going left for years

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

A CEO was asked to give money to a charity

A worker at a charity organization went to a CEO's office to ask for a donation.

He Said: "Sir I don't mean to bother you, but I've noticed that you haven't given any money to our charity, you seem pretty well off and we were wondering if you would be willing to donate."

The CEO said: ...

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

I donated $50,000 to a charity for mute children.

They didn't even say thank you.

Hello, I am crow. Would you like to give to charity?

Caw caw caw caw


.......


It's four good caws.

I’ve been working at a charity, teaching college education to reformed Mexican gangsters.

It’s not going very well because for some reason they refuse to turn in their essays.

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi.

There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle ...

Wife says to her Husband, I am going to donate all of the clothes I no longer wear to Charity.

Wife: I am going to donate them all to the starving women in Africa.

Husband: If any of your clothes fit them, they definitely not starving.

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?

Because they are shellfish

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I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight.

It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

Charity begins at home

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons.

1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

A crow asks a lady to donate to it's charity

'Whats your charity called?' , asks the lady.

' CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! ' , said the crow,

' It's four good caws'

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Today I gave Charity $100

She thanked me with a blowjob.

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

I’m going to a charity event for female amputees this weekend

That place is gonna be *crawling* with chicks

*Doing a stand up gig for a charity for people in wheelchairs*

Opening line - "If this was a YouTube video the comments would be disabled"

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

I'm going to start a charity event for Alzheimer's....

It's called *A Walk to Remember*

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

Trump, a charity worker, and a fire fighter are on a plane.

The plane loses power and starts to go down.

The pilot comes out and says, "We only have three parachutes! Someone is going down with the plane!"

Trump grabs a chute and says, "I cant die. I'm the greatest, most intelligent, most beloved person, who knows all the words, and is overall...

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

I recently went to a charity banquet.

All of the servers were dwarves, which I thought was cool. Overall the food was great, but they were short staffed.

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organisation.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity

Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Dar...

What do you call an emo hosting a charity event?

Fund razor.

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

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Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are playing at a charity golf tournament.

Bill sees Tiger at the urinals and peeks down to see that Tiger is very well endowed.


"Tiger, what is your secret?" Bill asks.

Tiger responds: "It's really simple. Every night before I get in bed I whack my dick against my bedpost 3 times. It's been working for me for years!"
...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

A wealthy lawyer is asked to donate to charity...

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"

One of the ladies repli...

What is one charity that has a higher death rate than PETA?

Make a wish foundation

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity

I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

I was walking home drunk when I came across some people collecting for charity.

I don't know why they got so upset when I vomited in their bucket of coins and banknotes.

They had clearly labelled it: FOR THE SICK.

How to make a charity

1. find someone in need
2. Create an organization and donate all revenue to said someone
3. ???
4. nonprofit

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A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."

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