How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?
You have to C4 yourself
A guy, today, told me to count my blessings,
But I didn’t have to sneeze.
My girlfriend left me because I asked her father for his blessing to marry her.
She got so angry. She screamed at me like never before. Something about “desecrating his grave” or whatever.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
Jacob never needed to set up that complicated plan to steal the blessing from Esau.
He could have just sneezed and let Issac say "bless you, Jacob."
My priest performed a baptism on an airplane
It was a blessing in da skies
When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.
So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...
I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week
Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.
The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...
My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...
Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.
Asking parents for their blessing
Mr. Stuart, I've come to ask for your daughter's hand.
Very well. And have you been with my wife?
Yes, but I still prefer your daughter.
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...
Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.
While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leave...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...
The unfaithful wife
A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfai...
Old man is lying on his deathbed
He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.
When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another wor...
A potato had 3 daughters
When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”
Father potato asked to whom?
“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.
Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...
The worst part about growing up in the south
was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter
The Jewish Lawyer and the Rabbi
A Jewish lawyer, distraught and in a semi-panic, ran to his Rabbi pleading, "Rabbi! Rabbi! You must help me!"
The Rabbi, quite concerned, inquired, "What is it? What is wrong? How may I help?"
"It's my son. He just called me. He told me he and his family are con...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A pastor was nervous abouts speaking in front of his congregation
so he put a glass of vodka next to his water glass
the next day he had a note on his desk saying
don't chug the vodka
there are 12 disciples not ten
there are ten commandments not 12
we do not refer to the trinity as daddy junior and the spook
david slew gol...