UPJOKE
introducerepresentacquaintgiftgivesubmitdelivernownowadaysconfrontshowfacetodayexistinginstant

Presents Jokes

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas presents are like sex

It's always more fun to get them from other people than to give yourself one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presents

A rich man bought his wife a Lamborghini and a dildo, one man asks "What did you get your wife for Christmas?" He replies "A Lamborghini and a dildo."

He said " Why the dildo?" The rich man replies "If she doesn't Like the car, she can go fuck herself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

how do politicians wrap presents?

With lots of red tape

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?

They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

Blinking lights, presents, reindeer, and snowmen everywhere…

I love Thanksgiving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

Santa gives humpty presents

Why did santa gave humpty a present

Cause he is a good egg

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

A boy wakes up on his birthday and is excited for presents.

However he finds none anywhere and then his mother arrives. "Yo, yo yo, new bike, a lil video game and one toy soldier boy!" she sings "What? Where are my presents?" he demands. The mother says: "Your father told me I had to rap the presents."

Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

A real shame about that dog for the kids...

A clown presents the new covid regulations.

Everyone dies laughing.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cat's presents

A few days ago a bird flew into my window-
Yesterday my cat dropped the same dead bird at my feet.

I knew that bastard was lazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents

I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

I'm the Lord of Presents, my name is:

Sir Prize!!

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

Why was St. Nick afraid of delivering presents down the chimney?

He had santaclaustrophobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents....

By posting about my political views on Facebook.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

Why did Capitalist Santa give all his presents to the rich?

He wanted jingle down economics to take place

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

Christmas Presents

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...

They are due back at the library today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presents are like penises

The size of the package matters less than the size of the smile on the recipient’s face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

I just opened up my presents for Christmas Eve

Too bad I didn't get any lotion to have something to play with

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

Why do only good kids get Christmas presents?

Because Santa comes with a Clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

Why doesn’t Devin Hester get birthday presents anymore?

He always returns everything

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mixed up presents

So this guy wants to make a nice gift for the girl he's recently started dating. He decides for a nice pair of gloves. Nice and romantic but not too personal. To pick a nice pair, he went to the store, accompanied by his sister. At the department store, the sister also bought a pair of undies for he...

Did you hear about the orphans that got their Christmas presents stolen?

I heard it was the second worst thing that ever happened to them.

Struggling with Christmas Presents???

If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas...
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it!

Tonight after the kids went to bed, the wife and I had some wine, wrapped some presents, and things were getting hot

... until Santa came early.

My friend is really good at wrapping presents

…you could say he’s gifted

No present for your mother in law

At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother in law and she asks, "where's mine?"

He says, "I didn't get you anything this year."

Visibly upset, she asks why.

He says, "you never used what I got you last year."

She yells, " it was a burial plot!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presents sucked... [NSFW]

I got a $60 video game for my son, $80 pair of skates for my daughter and a $500 fur coat for my wife. All I got was two sweaters and a piece of ass and they were all two sizes too large.

I tried wrapping Christmas presents..

But I just didn't have the gift

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.