UPJOKE
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I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

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I keep seeing advertisements encouraging people to donate blood...

But every time I try to donate they have too many questions for me, like:

"Who's blood is this?!"
and
"Where did you get it?"

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Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

When I found out you could donate sperm by post...

I came in a jiffy

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

How do you donate money to Taliban ?

Just pay taxes in USA.

I'm a very generous guy. In fact, I've donated millions.

Of sperm to the sperm bank.

I won a million dollars and donated a quarter of it to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

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A man donates blood to save his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife r...

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

You think you can donate to an African country?

Well Kenya?

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

Wife: I have a bag full of used cloths I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your cloths is not starving.

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

I decided to donate my body to science

For the time being, I'm following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.

I won 1 Million in a lottery and decided to donate a quater to charity

Now I have $999,999.75

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it.

They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?”

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

Dad : I donated all your toys to the orphanage kid : why

Dad : so you'll have something to play with when I take you there

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A Man donates blood to save his Wife's life.

Later they split up, Husband says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife puts her hand in her panties and pulls out a tampon, she then throws it at him and says I'll pay monthly.

The farmers dog

Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest. Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature? Father Patrick replied, Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your d...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."

"... the nurse does it for me."

"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

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A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!” The Doc sighed and asked,

“no hemo?”

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TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

A priest, a minister and a rabbit entered a clinic, to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit, "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O !!" said the rabbit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

Why don’t oysters donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

They say Jeff Bridges donated a good sum of money to charities after The Big Lebowski…

The Dude Provides!

Do you guys wanna donate to my charity?

It's a non profit organization called "Caw Caw Caw Caw"

It's four good caws

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Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?

Ass-skin for a friend.

I donate to a charity called OnlyFans

Because those girls can't even afford clothes!

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When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund

One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy,

but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking.

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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.

Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.


Dear zoo,

I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~


.

.

.

Dear zoo,

I would like to donate one mo...

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

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I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to masterbate in a cup.

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

I donated $100 to a blind children's charity...

Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.

Saw a billboard today, urging me to DONATE

Who is Nate?

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

When I donate blood, I really hope it goes to a woman

So that I can at last, be inside one.

I'm not rich but yesterday i donated my Phone, Wallet, and my watch to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that i felt as i saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

Whne I got to donate blood they ask me so many strange wuestions like:

What is my name? Why is the blood in a bucket?

Father: Son, i donated your toys to the Orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that?
Father : So you don't get bored there

The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if i wanted to donate 2$ to end world hunger, i was like HELL YEAH!

I had no idea we were this close! I'm gonna be a god damn hero!

Joke by Matt Donaher

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

Honey I want to donate my clothes

Wife: Thinking of donating my clothes which I am not using anymore

Husband: No point donating, you can trash those

Wife: there are lots of women who are hungry and depraved, they could use my clothes

Husband: honey, if your dress fits another woman do you think they would have e...

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In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

Dave was going to donate my sperm

So Dave went to the center one day.

The nurse gave Dave jar to store it.

After some time Dave went back to the nurse with an empty jar.

The nurse asked Dave why it was empty.

Dave said "I couldn't do it myself, I tried one hand, then two, but it did not work".

T...

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A guy knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to donate to the Clock Lovers Association

Signed up immediately, it’s about fucking time.

Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,

If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

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