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Donate Jokes

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!

So many questions,

Who's blood is that?
How did you get it?
Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.

A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.

The pastor comes out and says, “They tested it and told me I’m A positive.”

The imam follows up with, “Interesting! I found out I’m AB negative.”

The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, “Pretty sure I’m a type O.”

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to donate sperm and they said I'd have to masterbate in a cup.

I said, I'm good but I'm not ready to compete.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Donate a kidney and they call you a hero...

Donate a kidney and they call you a hero...

I tried to donate 6 kidneys and people started asking all kinds of questions and calling me Dexter. Like, who the heck is Dexter?

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

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Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?

Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.

Donate one kidney and you're a hero

But donate 5 of them and everyone thinks you're a monster 😔

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district

The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.

He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be ...

Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

what type of blood do ghosts donate?

plasma

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

Did you know you can donate sperm by post?

When I found out, I came in a jiffy.

A charity worker goes to visit a very successful businessman in his town to find out why he has never donated to any charity in the community.

"Sir, you have been so very successful in this town, and this community has given you much. Why have you never given back to the community?"

The businessman says, "Listen, son, did you know that my wife's mother has been suffering for years in the hospital, and requires constant care and medi...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.

The priest thinks and says “I believe I am a type A positive”

The minister says“I’m quite certain I'm a type B negative”

The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says “I think I’m a type O”

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

For once you want to do something good and donate blood…

….immediately, there are stupid questions: Who‘s is this? Where does it come from? Why is it in a bucket?

I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

Dave was going to donate my sperm

So Dave went to the center one day.

The nurse gave Dave jar to store it.

After some time Dave went back to the nurse with an empty jar.

The nurse asked Dave why it was empty.

Dave said "I couldn't do it myself, I tried one hand, then two, but it did not work".

T...

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

A man who donated one kidney is a hero.

Yet I get investigated for donating 10???

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your bloood type?”

“I’m a typo O”, said the rabbit.

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I keep seeing advertisements encouraging people to donate blood...

But every time I try to donate they have too many questions for me, like:

"Who's blood is this?!"
and
"Where did you get it?"

A man walks in a hospital to donate one of his kidneys and gets praised for it.

I walk into a hospital with 50 kidneys and I get arrested and called a psychopath.

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

If you donate one kidney everyone praises you!

But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling and you lose your job as a surgeon.

Sheesh!

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

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NSFW: I asked a group of prostitutes if they would donate their services to my charity.

None of them gave a fuck.

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A joke about an old Jew.

For context, the Western Wall, found on the Temple Mount is the holiest site in Judaism.

Here is the joke:

An old Jew prays briefly at the Western Wall every morning.

A reporter says to the old Jew:

"What have you been praying for?"

The old Jew says: "I have been p...

I went to donate my kidney yesterday

I went to donate my kidney yesterday... they called me a good person


I went in with 2 more today and they called the police on me

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?”

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

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We donated my fathers body to science today…

and boy was he pissed.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

I donate to a charity called OnlyFans

Because those girls can't even afford clothes!

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TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

I tried to donate a kidney

But they kept asking where I got it

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

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A man donates blood to save his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife r...

Today I decided to donate blood...

After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said “ Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

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Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

I'm a very generous guy. In fact, I've donated millions.

Of sperm to the sperm bank.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

Honey I want to donate my clothes

Wife: Thinking of donating my clothes which I am not using anymore

Husband: No point donating, you can trash those

Wife: there are lots of women who are hungry and depraved, they could use my clothes

Husband: honey, if your dress fits another woman do you think they would have e...

Saw a billboard today, urging me to DONATE

Who is Nate?

Marie Kondo says to donate anything that doesn't spark joy,

but The Salvation Army says that amounts to human trafficking.

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.

A man went into the church for a confession

Man: 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

Priest: 'What do you mean, almost?

Man: 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!'

Priest: 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail...

You think you can donate to an African country?

Well... Kenya?

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A Man donates blood to save his Wife's life.

Later they split up, Husband says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife puts her hand in her panties and pulls out a tampon, she then throws it at him and says I'll pay monthly.

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

Why can a teacher donate her adult-sized kidney to save a student?

Because it’s a kidney, not an adultney.

I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero.

But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it.

They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.

I went to donate blood today

I guess Salvation Army prefers clothes.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?

Ass-skin for a friend.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illne...

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I was gonna go donate sperm today

But then I realized it was a dick move.

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