A genius is born

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looke...

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

Only a genius can say these four words four times really fast

# EYE, YAM, STEW, PEED











Tell me if you get it

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

How much do geniuses weigh?

Ein stein!

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

What do you call a genius who died in a guillotine?

Ahead of his time

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What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

A Genius

A British and an Irish were watching a movie. The hero of the film was riding on a galloping horse.

British, "It will fall off the horse ". But the Irish said it would never fall. Thy bet. Soon, the hero fell. British, didn’t I say. But why were you so confident ”it wouldn't fall?” Irish repl...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

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What do you call it when Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

The difference between stupidity and genius is that

genius has its limits.

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

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Isaac newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history’s greatest scientific genius.

Because I’m not dead of course

The Brazilian the Argentine and the Genius

(To understand the joke you need to know that there is a lot of rivalry between Brazilians and Argentines) An Argentine and a Brazilian when walking through the desert found a magic lamp. A genie came out of it and began to speak: "You are my masters and each of you will be granted a wish." The Ar...

GenIus math level

I have an imaginary girlfriend. Does that mean I’m in a complex relationship.

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

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My penis was in the genius book of world records.

Until I got kicked out of the library.

Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said...

Whoever invented the shovel is a genius

It was a groundbreaking invention

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Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

My kid is a LEGO genius. The box said 6-12 years...

... and she finished it in less than a day. That's gotta be some sort of record.

I’m the perfect girlfriend - I have the brains of a genius, and the body of a supermodel

They’re really starting to smell though, so I should probably get rid of them

Took an IQ test today.

Got 404, guess I'm a genius

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

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A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

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I think gays are pretty much all smart people.

They're a homo genius group.

Trump is a genius

Bringing back the cold war to combat climate change.

Truly a man of the ages.

Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's ...

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

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I named my penis Genius

So when people ask me what I did last night, I can tell them I had a stroke of Genius

What does an Italian genius say to a stinky person?

Eureka!



(I'll see myself out)

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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

Nothing says stable genius like...

A degree in equine sciences.

Are we even watching the same movie?!

One thing I’ll never do again is watch a movie with a genius. You, me, us normal people, have a thing called suspension of disbelief. When we watch a Harry Potter movie we don't get lost when they shoot lighting out of their little wand. We're in, we get it. Magic. Got it! Light up the screen! I'm i...

What do you call a room of geniuses who've simultaneously had brainfarts?

A Stink Tank!

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

Did you here about the genius pyromaniac?

Whenever he had an idea, he sure lit up!

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

You wanna know the difference between a Genie and a Genius?

One grants wishes, and the other wishes for grants

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Who was the first computer genius in the Bible ?

Adam, he had one hand on the Apple and one on the WANG

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen ato...

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane...

...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a...

Stan Lee, may be rest in peace, will forever be known as the creative genius behind Marvel.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. As his left this universe, and passed on to the next, we have no choice to to acknowledge that he is DCseased.

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

Give me an example of a genius:

The man who put the 'b' in subtle.

I wonder if when Trump said he was a stable genius he was referring to knowing a lot about horses...

Cause he's not very smart.

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

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Whoever designed the clitoris emoji is a genius.

Because I can't find it anywhere!

A programming genius named Sewter

Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

Little brother told me this joke, genius.

"Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?"
-why
"Because it kept saying "bok bok bok"

You are a Genius Boss

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

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Genius!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptl...

What would be Issac Newton's job if he were alive today?

An Apple Store genius.

How do the folks at the Genius Bar drink their beer?

Out of Einsteins

A man is driving down a country road

He glances out the window and sees a chicken running along side the car. He does a double take, and notices that not only is the chicken running right along his car, the chicken also has three legs!


Shocked, he looks at his speedometer and sees he's going 35 miles an hour.


He ...

These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You ...

What do you call a moron that is actually a genius

An oxymoron

Was all excited last night when my wife told me that she wanted us to role play as doctor and patient.

But then she told me that visiting hours are over and asked me to get out of the bedroom immediately.

She indeed is a genius...

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What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker?

A fucking know it all!

An Irish genius named Sean...

An Irish genius named Sean once discovered how to clone himself but was always hesitant to make more than 9 copies of himself. It turns out he couldn't handle the ten-Sean among everyone.

Trump truly is a genius

With only 5 years old he was as smart as he is today

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

Whoever designed the octagon was a genius.

But whoever designed the circle definitely cut corners.

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

T...

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A jokes of genius about DNA

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

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