UPJOKE
wizardintellectcreativitywizardrytalentoriginalityintelligenceadeptflairwizwhizvirtuosomastermindbrillianceingenuity

Genius Jokes

A genius is born

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looke...

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

My dog is a genius...

I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

What is the difference between stupidity and genius?

"What is the difference between stupidity and genius? Genius has its limits."
-- Albert Einstein

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

The genius

A man is walking along a trail, he met a guy carrying a lock the size of an oven in his arms, the man then asked him:

"- That's a strange lock, where did you get it?

\- If youcontinue to walk on this trail, in a few hundred meters you'll saw the lamp on the side, rub it and a genie wil...

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

I'm such a genius...

I know everything about the Dunning-Kruger effect!

I’m a genius

I finished a puzzle this morning in less than a few hours, the box said it should take 1-2 years!

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stan...

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy the genius son!

Jimmy got home early from school today and his mom asked: “***Why are you home so early***?”
He replied: “***Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.***”
She said: “***Wow, my son is a geniusssss!*** ***What was the question?***”
Jimmy replied: “The question...

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Let's just take a moment to salute the genius who invented the vibrator.

"If you build it, they will come."

I have a friend who's a genius.

He could always tell just by looking at your car/phone/computer how long until your device starts acting up. His name's Warren. Warren T.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth that reads: "10 pork chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of 10 pork chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus schedule and sits on the bench when a bus arrives...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist is a genius!

Last week, he suggested we try "exposure therapy" where you face your fears head-on and overcome them.
HIM: So tell me, what are you afraid of?
ME: Well I'm claustrophobic and I'm scared of intimacy.
So he took me into the coatroom and fucked me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's ...

A Genius

A British and an Irish were watching a movie. The hero of the film was riding on a galloping horse.

British, "It will fall off the horse ". But the Irish said it would never fall. Thy bet. Soon, the hero fell. British, didn’t I say. But why were you so confident ”it wouldn't fall?” Irish repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the sadistic lifeguard with a lisp say to the genius who couldn't swim?

I like the way you think!

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the genius book of world records.

Until I got kicked out of the library.

Apparently geniuses are absent-minded.

Add optional body text

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

Little brother told me this joke, genius.

"Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?"
-why
"Because it kept saying "bok bok bok"

How much do geniuses weigh?

Ein stein!

GenIus math level

I have an imaginary girlfriend. Does that mean I’m in a complex relationship.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said...

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was “How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom...

Whoever invented the shovel is a genius

It was a groundbreaking invention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genius!

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptl...

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

Trump is a genius

Bringing back the cold war to combat climate change.

Truly a man of the ages.

The Brazilian the Argentine and the Genius

(To understand the joke you need to know that there is a lot of rivalry between Brazilians and Argentines) An Argentine and a Brazilian when walking through the desert found a magic lamp. A genie came out of it and began to speak: "You are my masters and each of you will be granted a wish." The Ar...

Nothing says stable genius like...

A degree in equine sciences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis Genius

So when people ask me what I did last night, I can tell them I had a stroke of Genius

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

You are a Genius Boss

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

A programming genius named Sewter

Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

Did you here about the genius pyromaniac?

Whenever he had an idea, he sure lit up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.


(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

Facebook Genius,

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

A guy is talking to his friend.

He says "I got my IQ tested and got a 70, that makes me a genius. "

Friend says "70 doesn't mean you're a genius. "

Guy says "you sound like that idiot at the testing center."

Genius Genie

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever designed the clitoris emoji is a genius.

Because I can't find it anywhere!

What does an Italian genius say to a stinky person?

Eureka!



(I'll see myself out)

An Irish genius named Sean...

An Irish genius named Sean once discovered how to clone himself but was always hesitant to make more than 9 copies of himself. It turns out he couldn't handle the ten-Sean among everyone.

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

I had a stroke of genius this morning

And now my genius is paralyzed

When a musician's fingers move really fast across a piano, they're considered a prodigy and a genius.

But when i go even faster on full-screen rhythm games on my iPad, I'm "lazy", "going to get carpal tunnel syndrome", "unproductive", and "ruining the funeral, Emily".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

simply genius

Joe is late for work again and cant find a regular parking space, so he parks on a parking space for disabled persons. His boss, however, is not the forgiving kind and fires him right off the bat for being late. Devastated, Joe walks to the parking lot just to see a meter maid writing him a ticket. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

What do you call a room of geniuses who've simultaneously had brainfarts?

A Stink Tank!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jokes of genius about DNA

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy Genius and his Frog

A man is driving his car down a country road. The weather is horrible outside. Suddenly he hears a loud pop and his car begins to veer wildly. He gets out of the car in the pouring rain to see that one of his wheels has popped off because all of the nuts holding it in have cracked and broken. He has...

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

You wanna know the difference between a Genie and a Genius?

One grants wishes, and the other wishes for grants

Whoever designed the octagon was a genius.

But whoever designed the circle definitely cut corners.

Did you hear about the depressed genius inventor?

He made a device to electrocute himself... He was shocked when it failed.

50 shades of grey is a genius title but had they thought about it

They should have added 19 more shades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane...

...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a...

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

OK.

What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call a social media marketing genius?

Masterbaiter

An Idiot and a Genius are talking in a bar...

The genius says to idiot:

"I have a game. We take turns giving each other questions. If I give you a question and you cannot answer it, you give me $5. But if you give me a question and I cannot answer it, I give you $5000".

The idiot replies:

"Uhh, Ok."

The genius says t...

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker?

A fucking know it all!

I’m the perfect girlfriend - I have the brains of a genius, and the body of a supermodel

They’re really starting to smell though, so I should probably get rid of them

These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You ...

What did Beethoven the dog shed in a moment of genius?

Fur Elise

I wonder if when Trump said he was a stable genius he was referring to knowing a lot about horses...

Cause he's not very smart.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.