Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Courtesy of my 5 year old)

Because chickens are stupid!

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

A joke courtesy of my math teacher

What is the square root of 69

Eight something

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Courtesy of my 9 year old:

Q: What does beaver poop look like?
A: A log.

Courtesy to my dad

Puns make me numb but maths puns makes me number

Courtesy of my husband this morning

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks "Good grief, what do you call t...

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless

A dad joke courtesy of my dad

As we were getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner, someone asked "What time is it?". My dad replied "McCormick's".

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

Math joke courtesy of my teacher

I'll do algebra and I'll do trigonometry, but graphing is where I draw the line.

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

This is courtesy of my friend...

Why don’t cows have feet?



Because they lac-toes

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

What do you call a Russian desert

Vladimir Pudden. Courtesy of an 8yo.

Courtesy of my wife...

Why couldn’t the farmer fix his fence on the weekend?


There’s no post on Sunday

Courtesy of my daughter .....

Dad, I have some jokes!!

Q: Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
A: Coz she had no arms.

swiftly followed by

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
NOT SARAH!!

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Courtesy to my pastor's son. What do you call a camel with no hump?

Humphrey

Courtesy of my 8 yr old son: if you’re city is overrun by hulks, who you gonna call?

Hulkbusters

Courtesy of my 9yo: What do you call a snake that tells jokes?

A riddle snake.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

What course do pirates take in colleges?

Arrght..



-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

The I.C.U.

(Courtesy my nephew)

Courtesy of my son's joke book. What's invisible and smells of bananas?

Monkey farts...

Courtesy of a child at work

(My responses are in the brackets)

Will you remember me in a hour? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a day? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a week? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a month? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a year? (Yes)

Knock knock
(Who's there?)
You've forgotte...

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.


Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water...



\---

*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered ‟Who?”

‟Your daughter”

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Is it hard to spot a leopard?

No. They come that way.



\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

Why did the panda get drunk?

Because it had too much bamboos. (courtesy of my 10 year old).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter wanted to walk the dog...

So she went to ask her mother. Her mom was hesitant because the dog was in heat. She told her daughter to ask her father. The girl went up to her dad and said "I wanna walk the dog but mom says she's in heat." The dad goes, "you'll be fine. I'll put gasoline on her butt" and sends his daughter with ...

Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?

1.60934 Kilometers Davis



joke courtesy of Stephen Wright

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Courtesy of my ECON professor

Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece.

On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, "You know, with all the money we ...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

An old billionaire marries a young woman.

He tells his wife that his only wish is to be buried with all of his wealth. The wife agreed without a second thought. Months went by and the man sadly passed away.

At the funeral, his wife walked up to the casket with an envelope in her hand. Solemnly, she placed the envelope in the casket w...

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...

...and you’ve never been to that bar before.

*Courtesy of Zack Galifianakis*

Do you know why, in France they only eat one egg for breakfast?

Coz it’s un oeuf.

Courtesy: The Trial Of The Chicago 7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke, courtesy of my buddys dad.

(A Newfy is a Newfoundlander, A north eastern Canadian it's interchangeable, just how I heard the joke) A Newfy calls up his lawyer looking for a divorce. The lawyer curious of the circumstances says "Great! do you have a suit?" The Newfy replies "Yup, wears it to church every Sunday." The lawyer th...

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore....

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore. But the water is infested with man eating sharks. A man, steps up and says "I am a doctor at peak physical strength, I'll swim to shore and get help." He jumps into the water and is almost immediately eaten. Another man steps up and ...

Why is the ocean wet?

Because it doesn’t have a towel.

(Courtesy of my son)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its better to piss in the sink

Than to sink in the piss

\- Courtesy my 8 year old.. should I be worried?

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

Courtesy of Kurt Vonnegut in Jailbird pg 184!

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.



Courtesy of my wife.

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

An American tourist in Moscow

Found himself needing to take a
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself, so he just went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even
get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are ...

So once, when I went fishing with my dad

there was this guy who had already set himself at a really good spot towards the edge of the lake.
So we sat there with our hooks and all set up but were having a hard day catching a single one. Meanwhile, the dude was doing quite well, having really nice catches one after the other as bypassers...

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

What do you call it when a pig picks its nose and eats it?

A hambooger

This joke is courtesy of my four and a half year old.

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

(Courtesy of my 12-year-old that hears Dad jokes all the time)

A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.

God responds “I don’t find that funny”

The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”

Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”

Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?

Because it keeps Dublin (courtesy of my dad).

“My dads a women’s rights activist.”

“Your dad? Not your mum?”

“No, dad wouldn't allow that.”

*Courtesy of u/hihellow*

Orions Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

*Courtesy of my wife.

How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.

(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside

(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll...

What's Trump's favorite store?

Wallmart

(Joke courtesy of my 9 year old)

What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snowballs



Courtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a "dirty joke" she overheard from some elder school mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two penises are robbing a bank...

A vibrator walks in, and one penis says to the other “oh fuck. It’s Robocop”

(Courtesy of Die Antwoord)

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

They did move their houses,but..........

On the right side of the house of a minister there lived a blacksmith,and on the left side,a carpenter.The blacksmith and the carpenter made noise day and night and disturbed the minister. When he could not take it anymore, the minister called the two and demanded that they move their houses.
One...

What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.

(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

What does a baby pirate wear?

A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What do you call...

What do you call a headless sheep?

A bloody sheep.

Courtesy of my 6 year old. Should I be concerned?

What do you call an abundance of dogs?

A rover load.

Courtesy of my wife.

What do you call a cross between a rooster and a rabbit?

A hop a doodle doo!

Courtesy of my 9yr old daughter

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

EDIT: Also, I don't want my time to go to waist.
Courtesy of /u/Carter127

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s poop’s favourite food?

Peanut butter and smelly.

Courtesy of my 6 year old.

I went to the doctor the other day.

He was telling me that I was getting up in years and it's probably around the time that I start getting a prostate exam.

So I said "listen dude I'm just here to get my teeth cleaned"

This joke courtesy of my dad

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

How do you pay your waiter if it's a letter of the alphabet?

With a Q-tip.

(Joke courtesy of my 8-year-old son)

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood.

*courtesy of my fellow reposters*

Why is Sunday afraid of Easter?

Because Easter falls on Sunday!

Courtesy of my eight year old daughter! Is this a joke anyone’s heard? She says she invented it but man... that’s very clever. I’m a proud papa.

What's a rock's favourite phone?

The iStone 11!


(Courtesy of my 7yo...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a grea...

Kid: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My bottom really hurts!

Me: What happened, what did you do?

Kid: I sat on it!

(This joke courtesy of my 3-year-old.)

So a couple go to a spiritual healer...

...and they ask him to cure their illnesses. The healer says he will, but they must put their hand on the part of their body they want healed.

The wife proceeds to put her hand on her throat, as she has had a sore throat which won't go away. Looking at his wife, the husband then proceeds to ...

What did one eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

Courtesy of the laffy taffy in my candy bowl. Happy Haloween! :)

What did the breakfast burrito say when it was being eaten for lunch?

Hey I'm not a LUNCH burrito!



(courtesy of a 7 year old lol sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!

Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

Did you hear about the woman who invented the knock knock joke?

She won the no-bell prize!
(Courtesy of my new Alexa!)

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I’m dying!”

The doctor asks why.

The man points to various spots on his body and says, “it hurts here, here, here...”

The doctor replies, “you’re not dying, your finger is broken.”

Courtesy of my godfather’s friend.

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten-tickles!

Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

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