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Courtesy Jokes

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

A mondegreen courtesy of a four year old

I was listening to pop, folk and soft rock music from the 60s and 70s the other day, artists like Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, and the Doobie Brothers. My granddaughter came in the room, climbed up on the bed, and cuddled up next to me.

She was listening very intently to the lyrics of on...

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Courtesy to my dad

Puns make me numb but maths puns makes me number

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

Math joke courtesy of my teacher

I'll do algebra and I'll do trigonometry, but graphing is where I draw the line.

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Courtesy of my 9 year old:

Q: What does beaver poop look like?
A: A log.

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

Courtesy of my daughter .....

Dad, I have some jokes!!

Q: Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
A: Coz she had no arms.

swiftly followed by

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
NOT SARAH!!

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Courtesy of my 5 year old)

Because chickens are stupid!

Courtesy of my husband this morning

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks "Good grief, what do you call t...

Courtesy of my wife...

Why couldn’t the farmer fix his fence on the weekend?


There’s no post on Sunday

A dad joke courtesy of my dad

As we were getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner, someone asked "What time is it?". My dad replied "McCormick's".

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

Courtesy of a child at work

(My responses are in the brackets)

Will you remember me in a hour? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a day? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a week? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a month? (Yes)
Will you remember me in a year? (Yes)

Knock knock
(Who's there?)
You've forgotte...

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Courtesy of my ECON professor

Two men decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment, take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece.

On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The first man says, "You know, with all the money we ...

Courtesy of my 9yo: What do you call a snake that tells jokes?

A riddle snake.

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

Why did the shark refuse to eat a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians' homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

What did the tilted square say when it sneezed?

Askew

*Joke courtesy my 10YO child*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man with a seeing eye dog crosses a busy street.

The dog leads him across the street with complete disregard for the traffic. Several cars barely miss the blind man, and drivers are honking their horns at the man. The blind man finally gets to the other side of the street and a man comes up to him and exclaims,

"That's the worst seei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

EDIT: Also, I don't want my time to go to waist.
Courtesy of /u/Carter127

The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.

They called the song “Helen Keller”.


Courtesy of my adult daughter onto which my ‘dad humor’ has clearly rubbed off!!

What do you call an old snowman?

Water...



\---

*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

When I get dog insurance....

Do I get a 'courtesy dog' when my dog goes to the vets?

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

A man got a call from his partner on the way to work, “be careful honey, there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

“It’s not just one,” the husband replied, “everyone’s doing it!”

*Joke courtesy of my sibling.*

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

The I.C.U.

(Courtesy my nephew)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What planet smells the worst?

Poopiter.

This joke courtesy of my 7 year old son. He was very proud of it.

What day is ice cream day?

Sunday!

Why did the ice cream have an umbrella? Because of the sprinkles!

(Courtesy of my four year old son)

What do you call a Russian desert

Vladimir Pudden. Courtesy of an 8yo.

Why did the Toilet Paper trip on the door mat?

It ran out.



Courtesy of my six year old nephew !!!

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

Do you know why, in France they only eat one egg for breakfast?

Coz it’s un oeuf.

Courtesy: The Trial Of The Chicago 7

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

What course do pirates take in colleges?

Arrght..



-(Courtesy of my 8 yo who told this to me tonight)

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

My girlfriend left me because I apparently never listen...

She could have had the courtesy to tell me.

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

Is it hard to spot a leopard?

No. They come that way.



\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name...

...and you’ve never been to that bar before.

*Courtesy of Zack Galifianakis*

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.


Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe?

1.60934 Kilometers Davis



joke courtesy of Stephen Wright

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme

Courtesy of Kurt Vonnegut in Jailbird pg 184!

Why did the panda get drunk?

Because it had too much bamboos. (courtesy of my 10 year old).

Why is the ocean wet?

Because it doesn’t have a towel.

(Courtesy of my son)

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

As a child I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Courtesy of Gary Delaney

Orions Belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

*Courtesy of my wife.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.



Courtesy of my wife.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

What's Trump's favorite store?

Wallmart

(Joke courtesy of my 9 year old)

I do whatever I can to fight poverty

So the other day, I punched a tramp

(Courtesy of Milton Jones)

Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?

Because it keeps Dublin (courtesy of my dad).

Have you ever smelled moth balls? Yes?

How'd you get their little legs apart?
(Courtesy of my dad. Who laughed about this for 30 minutes.)

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

What has two hands but can never clap?

A T-Rex


-courtesy of my boss

What do you call it when a pig picks its nose and eats it?

A hambooger

This joke is courtesy of my four and a half year old.

What do you call a pig mixed with a centipede?

Bacon and scrambled legs.

Courtesy of my 6 year old daughter. She said she made it up and I can't verify that but it cracked us up so I thought I'd share.

A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.

God responds “I don’t find that funny”

The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”

Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.

(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

(Courtesy of my grandpa)

What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.

(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

What do you call a cross between a rooster and a rabbit?

A hop a doodle doo!

Courtesy of my 9yr old daughter

What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside

(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s poop’s favourite food?

Peanut butter and smelly.

Courtesy of my 6 year old.

What do you call an abundance of dogs?

A rover load.

Courtesy of my wife.

What does a baby pirate wear?

A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

Courtesy of my grandfather :)

Do you know why the German Wehrmacht girls are in Holland?

As mattresses for the soldiers

*Courtesy Anne Frank's Diary*

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

What's a rock's favourite phone?

The iStone 11!


(Courtesy of my 7yo...)

How do you pay your waiter if it's a letter of the alphabet?

With a Q-tip.

(Joke courtesy of my 8-year-old son)

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood.

*courtesy of my fellow reposters*

What happens when a phone goes to jail?

It becomes a cell phone!

(Courtesy my 6 year old)

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!

Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

Kid: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My bottom really hurts!

Me: What happened, what did you do?

Kid: I sat on it!

(This joke courtesy of my 3-year-old.)

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snowballs



Courtesy of my daughter who comes home and asks if I want to hear a "dirty joke" she overheard from some elder school mates.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny.

Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk

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