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Talent Jokes

My only talent is sleeping

I could do it with my eyes closed.

Talent

I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can't find them.

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

My mom always said that I have a rare talent

She meant that in my case, a talent is rarely evident

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

The talented pastor (nsfw)

Just heard Tom Rawson tell this one (he's mostly a singer, but he told a couple of jokes too):

A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning....

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"

I said "I do bird impressions!"

They said "sorry, that’s not original we have had loads of them!"

I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

I have many hidden talents…

Problem is I don’t know where they are

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a talented drawer

Everything he draws looks real.

One day he draws a giant mosquito on the wall in his high school. After awhile, his teacher spots the mosquito and slaps it as hard as she can. Unfortunately she broke her arm. She finds out that this was jack’s drawing and takes him to the principals office. <...

I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.

You know, people just hate Steven Seagal because of how talented, fast, witty, charismatic, respected, ...

\* *runs out of breath* \*

Talented fish

I have a fish it can do break dance better than most out there
But just for a minute and only once in a life

I don’t care what anyone says, Amy Schumer is extremely talented.

I mean who else can steal jokes from others, and still remain remarkably unfunny.

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

My friend Jack’s special talent is communicating with legumes.

Jack and the beans talk.

A man brings his dog into a talent agency.

Says he's got a real talented dog. Figuring that this won't cut into lunch, the agent agrees to see the dog's tricks. First, the man puts out some number blocks and asks the dog "what's two times two?" The dog dutifully paws the number four block.

The man then asks, slightly louder, "What's t...

A man walks into a talent agent to audition for her.

The non-descript man wearing non-descript clothes is carrying a small black bag. He sets the bag on the agents desk and removes a wooden mallet and a walnut.


The man clears his throat, takes the walnut, places it on his head, and smashes it with the mallet. The walnut shatters impress...

what was Joan of Arc's hidden talent?

She could really cook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I was flirting with a woman and asked her what's one thing she's most talented at

She said "I'm a great liar!"

I thought to myself, *yikes*, not a very good thing to admit.

But at least she's honest!

What do you call a group of musically talented whales?

An orca-stra

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

A very talented rabbit

Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasn’t met before.

One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of t...

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A talented frog

A woman is sitting at a hotel bar having a martini when a man comes and sits on the stool next to her. He offers to buy her a drink, which she politely declines. After a couple of awkward minutes, the man reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a box and puts it on the bar without saying anythi...

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

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A talent scout walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and starts talking to the patron next to him, and somehow they start talking about their jobs.

"I'm a talent scout," the scout says, "I'm always looking for the next big act!"

"Really?," says the patron, intrigued. "I've got a fantastic act, more brilliant than anythin...

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

Australian Talent.

An Australian guy was playing Mama Mia on his didgeridoo,


I thought. That's "Aboriginal"

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Talent show

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $5...

My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...

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I have this incredible talent, where I can swallow two strings and poop them out tied together.

I shit you knot.

I have the talent of doing math with any blade.

Mostly long division.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

What happens when you remove 90% talent from 50 cent?

You get a Nickelback

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

They banned me from the school talent show.

But i know they were just salty, because they knew they couldnt make their clothes disappear as well as i did.

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A man enters the office of a talent agent.

“I’ve got a great act!” the man says. The agent asks: “Ok, what can you do?” The man replies: “I can fart The Star Spangled Banner!”

The talent agent shakes his head: “That’s not the sort of family-friendly act we’re interested in hiring for.” but the man insists: “Give me a chance. It’s a gr...

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.

God stooped down low and found a man waiting i...

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

What talent must a deaf gynecologist have?

Must be a lip reader.

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A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thou...

Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

A deaf-mute man came on a Talent show.

And what is your talent?
- I can speak!

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The tale of the talented frog

A man sidles up to a woman in a bar and gets chatting to her. Once he’s piqued her interest he says, “Do you want to buy a frog? It’s just $1000.”

“Are you crazy?!” remarks the lady, “Why is it so expensive?”

“Well madam,” says the man, “this frog is specially trained in the art of cun...

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Talented Pets

A tramp goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone i...

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A young man goes into a talent agency..

The talent agent asks him, "What's your talent son?"
The young man tells him, "I can do bird impressions sir!"
Unimpressed the talent agent scoffs and says "Fuck off mate, we get thousands like you, just get out."

So he flew out the window.

Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?

He's gifted

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing?

"American Idle"

Which cheese has the most musical talent of them all?

Why, it's gotta be the one and only MOZARTrella.

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

A talent agent sits in his office, when a family of 5 walk in.

The talent agent says "Oh no no no no NO! Not you guys again! Get out, go on, OUT."

I have a rather unique talent. You can give me any girl's name and I know a song for that name.

Try me!

Life's just not fair. Aaron Hernandez had everything: talent, money, women...

And now I hear he's well-hung, too?

Why do electricians like talented train drivers?

Because they’re good conductors

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A man with many talents..

An American is backpacking through Scotland and finds a nice pub to enjoy a pint. Upon entering, the stranger finds only two men in the pub, a bartender and an older man nursing his drink. The backpacker takes a seat, orders a pint and begins to drink. After some time has passed, the only other cust...

When I was auditioning for the talent show, my dad gave me a $1 bill and told me to let the judges see it.

When I said that a $1 bill wouldn't work to bribe the judges, he responded "It's not for bribing them, it's to let them see you actually holding a note!"

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.

“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What...

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

A man walks into a talent scout's office...

... with his dog on a leash. He says to the talent scout, "this is Rover, my talking dog. He's going to make us rich!"

Skeptical, the talent scout says "oh yeah? Prove it."

"not a problem" says the man. "Rover, what is the texture of sandpaper?"

"Ruff!" replies the dog.
<...

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Talented octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the ...

Why did the eagle win the talent show?

Because he was TALONted!

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Alternative Ventriloquist

Dude goes into see a talent agent. He says to him "I have got a great act for you. We will make a fortune."

"Ok, fine, tell me what you do."

"I can talk and sing out of my arsehole."

"Wow! Ok show me!"

Dude jumps up on the agent's desk, drops his trousers, and curls out a...

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

A radio show holds a contest for the best local talent...

A gentleman walks into the studio with a mutt of a dog a couple days later and asks if he can audition.
"Sure, whaddya got?", said the radio host.
"My dog can talk.", the man replied.
Skeptical, the host sits down and beckons the man to start.
"OK boy! What is on top of a house?!"
Th...

My 3 sons placed 1st, 2nd and 3rd in a talent contest judged by Lee Kun-hee

Jake juggled, Daniel danced and Sam sung

When she told me I was the most talented, funniest, handsomest man she ever met

I knew this chick was nuts

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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A man discovers he has a talent...

A guy discovered one day that if he twitched his left ear he would ejaculate, and if he twitched his right he would pee.

Doctors describe his situation as "easy come, easy go".

I'm thinking of entering myself in a talent contest...

It's a neat trick if you can do it

--Barry Cryer

A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents

When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shru...

She told me I was a talented lover

I told her I studied a broad.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

Kim and Kanye are combining their talents to make a new genre of music

they call it plastic rap

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A family walks in to a talent agency

The father goes to the agent, "Sir, you really have to see our act. It's incredible!"

The agent says "No, I don't do family acts..."

The father excitedly interrupts, "I know what you are going to say they are too cutesy, right? Well our show is nothing like that!"

"No I don't do...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

Sam had amazing vocal skills, but was in doubt of them all the time. He got himself to sign up to a Talent Show for the first time. And finally in front of all the people

Samsung

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