UPJOKE
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My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

How do you annoy a skeleton?

You can't! Nothing gets under their skin.

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How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period its from

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.

Now I know how Canada feels.

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What’s old, annoying and only fucks you twice a year?

Daylight savings time

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

I asked my Wife if she was annoyed because I keep talking about Dinosaurs.

But she remained silent, like the 'P' in Pterodactyl.

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

What do u call an annoying zen master from Hungary?

Buddhapest

Why did the Earthling find the Mercurian so annoying?

They were sick of listening to them complain about first world problems

An annoying thing on reddit

It annoys me when people don’t proliferate on reddit.

Damn I must be an annoying person to be around

I spilled my vegan protein shake while doing crossfit which short circuited my Arch Linux computer. There is no god.

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

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Fucking Annoying

I’m not sure if this belongs here but here goes:

II was having dinner with my wife the other day and she intentionally kept doing things to annoy me while at the dinner table. I mumbled “so fucking annoying” under my breath. She said “excuse me?” To which I replied “I’m fucking annoying, you...

Does anyone else remember seeing the Annoying Orange on YouTube?

I sure do.

He was in the white house for four years.

It's annoying how nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought a TV, and it wrote "Built in Antenna" on the box.

There were these college seniors chillin in the classroom. One of the boys was makin the other two annoyed.

At one point, the annoying boy says, “whatever, I could take you both at the same time.” The other boys get up and ball up their fists.

The annoying boy looked confused, then it hit him and he said,”ooh, y’all thought I was talkin about fightin huh?”

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

Walking is super annoying to learn.

It always takes more than 2 steps to figure out.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

What do you call a paranoid and annoying person?

Karenoid.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, their, and they're.

From now on I'm going two point it out weather they like it or not

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

Annoying Mole

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the fe...

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

My wife's really annoyed with me.

I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this May!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later...

The police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

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Angry Mom.

Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

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My wife does this really annoying thing when she’s having sex…

…she calls me up.

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One day a teacher was in a coma.

One day a teacher was in a coma. He had to have a substitute take over his position for a while. The substitute was so annoying. He would always wear clothes with jokes on them. They were almost always the same jokes, occasionally with a minor difference. On very rare occasions, there would be new a...

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A man gets hired for an office job.

A man gets hired for an office job. So the very next Monday he gets dressed, pours a cup of coffee, and drives to the office. He's greeted splendidly, everyone welcomes him with open arms, and as a whole the office seems magnificent.

Days go by. Then weeks. Eventually the monthly staff meetin...

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

Pulleys are annoying!!

They are always the center of a tension.

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

What's white and annoying at breakfast.

An avalanche.

Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.
After a couple of hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father,
“How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied,
“Don’t rightly know, son.” T
he boy ...

How do you annoy people on Reddit?

[removed]

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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We’re out of broccoli

A man sends his wife to the store for groceries. He says to the wife “ while you’re out, pick up some broccoli”. She heads to her local supermarket in search of broccoli.

When she gets there she asks the first employee she sees “excuse me sir, where do you keep the broccoli?”

He sa...

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women could find out what it's like to live with an annoying cunt!

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

How did the swordsman annoy r/jokes?

He feinted. (Sorry)

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

My Anti-Vax neighbor's one year old son is so annoying.

He cries all the time, seems like he is going through a midlife crisis.

It is 1939 and the Soviet army is marching onwards to Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;


"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it. There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they ...

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan?

Play their music on shuffle

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

COVID-19 jokes are really popular considering what's going on. Have some patience if they annoy you.

They should start to die in a week or so.

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Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

Did you hear about the thief who got annoyed by wooden barriers?

He took a fence.

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

What's the difference between harass and annoy?

I have never had my finger in annoy.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

What do you call an annoying german kid?

A BratWurst

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

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A stutterer's wife was getting annoyed of his stutter...

So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:

"Pull down your pants."

"W-why?"

"Just do it."

"O-ok."

"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do...

I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something.

If I said I’m going to fix it, I’ll fix it.
There’s no need to remind me about it every three months.

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My girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.

Everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend .

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

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If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis with your typos

*you are

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

What happens when you annoy a clock?

It gets ticked off.

2 Life Lessons...

Lesson 1:

There once were these two boys walking in a field and one of the boys finds a green rock. He picks it up and says to his friend, "I bet you five bucks that I can throw this green rock up in the air and it won't come back down." So his friend says, "Okay, you're on." So the boy wi...

Escorts

Every escort I met had a different weired fetish, something I found deeply annoying.

Mainly because I trained as plumber and always hated getting the kinks out of the hose.

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

My wife was annoyed that I forgot to get bread at the Indian grocery store

I'm not sure what she's so mad about. I see this as a naan-issue.

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time sh...

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

What did tornado say to it’s annoying twin?

Sigh, clone.

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

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