‌‌I wa‌‌s walkin‌‌g wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfrien‌‌d whe‌‌n ‌‌a rando‌‌m gu‌‌y whistle‌‌d a‌‌t he‌‌r an‌‌d sai‌‌d, "Nic‌‌e ass"‌‌. Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s clearl‌‌y annoye‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d ‌‌I sa‌‌y something.

S‌‌o ‌‌I turne‌‌d aroun‌‌d an‌‌d said, "Than‌‌k yo‌‌u I'v‌‌e bee‌‌n doin‌‌g squats."

My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman.

What a joker!

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

What's white and annoying at breakfast.

An avalanche.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is as annoying as playing a round of golf with tiger woods

No one wants to play with someone who shoots it in the hole first stroke every time!

It always annoys me when people say : it's always in the last place you look!

Of course it is, once you've found it why would you keep on looking?

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I get really annoyed when I hear her moan after a very long night (NSFW)

I should really get a new alarm sound

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something.

If I said I’m going to fix it, I’ll fix it.
There’s no need to remind me about it every three months.

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

Political jokes are often the most annoying ones here

,but I feel cake days one top the cake

Annoying a vegan...

...is like shooting fish in a barrel. Which annoys them even more

Man I swear to god, Flat Earthers are just so annoying.

Like sometimes their theories are so wild they just push me off the edge.

How does Mrs. Claus describe her husband’s annoying laugh?

Ha ha ha

Is soo annoying when a cop ask where do I get my weed from.

Why don't you find your own dealer?

As a programmer you know what really annoys me about plumbers?

They promised me async but they didn't callback.

I think playwrights are really annoying.

They’re always making a scene.

We had an annoying kid named V in our school

Then we got a Vending machine.

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

Where's the annoying neighbor you told me about? I don't see him anymore.

"Hes in the garden"

"Really? "

"Yeah, but you have to dig a bit."

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Two sons: one’s an annoying optimist, and the other is an insufferable pessimist.

Their parents were concerned about both of them, so they took them to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.

After listening to their concerns, the Psychiatrist says:

“Aha, I think I can help you! For your pessimistic son, you will buy him the best and most expensive toys, place them in this...

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My girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.

Everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend .

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers...

You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

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Julie asks an annoying man if he wants to hear a joke about her vagina

Man: Hell Yes........
Julie: Nevermind, You will never get it

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

My girlfriend is always getting annoyed that I have a rotten sense of direction

I finally snapped, packed up my things and right.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

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Who's a Trump fan?

A teacher asked his class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not quite knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be loved by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why did you decide to be different... again.

Little Jo...

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

What did tornado say to it’s annoying twin?

Sigh, clone.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

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A farmer gives an interview about his cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

What did the annoyed doctor say to the annoying patient

Look man I'm losing my patience and if you keep doing this I'm gonna lose evan more

Most people find unnecessary acronyms annoying

But that's TBE

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

Pain is so annoying.

It really gets on my nerves.

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There's a German Shepherd that comes to crap on my lawn every day. It's really annoying.

Yesterday, it got even worse because he brought all his sheep with him!

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Whenever I'm constipated, I go hang out with my neighbor

Because, I swear, that guy annoys the shit out of me.

What was the name of that really annoying scientist?

Isaac Nuisance

What do you call an annoying 10-year-old in New Zealand?

A decade.

COVID-19 jokes are really popular considering what's going on. Have some patience if they annoy you.

They should start to die in a week or so.

I got so annoyed at having to wait so long in the hospital waiting room that I decided to just barge into the nearest door to demand treatment. The paque claimed it belonged to Dr Essings.

But it was just full of bandages.

Today, my teacher told everyone how annoying they are

She was in the staff break room

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

My Greek friend translated this joke

A guy walks in a bar and goes and sits at the bar, he nods to the barman who goes to him to serve him.

The guy seems edgy and says to the barman “get me a double scotch before it begins”. The barman doesn’t really make a deal out of his attitude and just gets him the drink. 3-4 minutes later ...

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Can jokes be sentimental?

A man is sitting next to the crib of his newborn baby. From the other room his father comes in and lays a hand on his shoulder.

"You did real good, son. You're going to make a great dad."

The son looks up and smiles with a bit of anxiety in his voice. "Thanks, Dad. I really hope so."...

Kids are so annoying

Buyer’s remorse.

A man goes to a restaurant.

Man: May I please have a roasted duck?


Waiter: Sure Sir.


*About 20 minutes later...*


Waiter: Here's your roasted chicken.


Man: But I didn't order this?


Waiter: I know Sir.


Man (slightly annoyed): What is this then?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Ima...

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

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A stutterer's wife was getting annoyed of his stutter...

So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:

"Pull down your pants."

"W-why?"

"Just do it."

"O-ok."

"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do...

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

This man said to me "sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry"

I said "that's really annoying".

He said "I know, I can only apologise."

Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

Studies reveal that some doctors purposely mistreat people they find annoying with many cases resulting in death.

It's another classic case of doctors losing their patients.

Jokes without punchlines are pointless,

and incomplete sentences are annoying,
but together

Getting all that clay off you would be annoying

If you were a harry potter.

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Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day.

His Dad seeing him walk into the house was visibly confused and asked Little Johnny why he was sent home.


"I failed my math test" he told his Dad.


"How!? We been studying all week for that stupid thing!" his dad replied angerly.


"First the teacher asked me 'What is ...

What is the similarity between an annoying person and spoilt food?

Both should've been swallowed in time.

What do you call a person that only eats fish and is annoying?

A pesky-tarian.

Never try to annoy someone with bird puns.

Because toucan play that game.

My girlfriend is getting annoyed with my constant wordplay.

I asked, "well tell me how I can stop".

"whatever means necessary"

"no it doesn't" I replied.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Logical fallacies are annoying.

Therefore, people that don't know about them are annoying.

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

The operator got annoyed at me for whispering..

but I don't get it, they said themselves they're 'experiencing unsually high call volume'

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The Lie Detector Joke

One day, a couple buys a lie detector machine which slaps you when you lie.

The woman looks at the machine and says to her husband "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?"

The man says "Never!" and instantly gets bitch-slapped.

"HOW COULD YOU?!?" the woman replies in horror and sur...

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A man walks in a sperm bank with a gun.

A man walks into a sperm bank with the gun, and orders the lady at the desk to open the safe. Startled, she tells him "sir this is a sperm bank, there is no money in here." Annoyed, he then tells her "I told you to open the damn safe!"

She opens it and gets a vial of sperm out. "Now drink it...

The carbon monoxide detector is getting really annoying

But hey, at least the kids are quiet

Being Vegan gives you a superpower

The power to annoy all of your friends.

If all the parallel universes ever contacted each other, they’d all have names like “Universe 1, Universe A, Universe ⍺, etc”.

There’ll definitely be a programmers’ universe, which’ll annoy everyone else by calling themselves “Universe 0”.

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Near the top of the hour,

Little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?
.....
Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could overcome her mild annoyance, little excited Brian chips in: "There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Look...

My wife keeps trying to annoy me by making bird jokes.

Little does she know Toucan play at that game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis with your typos

*you are

I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to live like a mountain bluebird

But the way it tweets annoys me so much

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

The annoying part of getting a cold

Have you ever noticed that when you have a cold your nostrils take turns between the working nostril and the blocked one?

It's annoying to have to fight over which one works.

I call this the "cold war."

The reposts on this app are getting annoying.

It's annoying because I've reddit all before.

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So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The bartender says “Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? Isn’t that annoying?” The pirate says “Arrr, it drives me nuts.”

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...

On a train.

"Madam could you please ask your son to stop imitating me , its very annoying."

"I am so sorry....Jake! Stop acting stupid!"

Why was my post removed

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.

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People get really annoyed when I stand in one corner of my therapist’s office and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a big fan.

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

Android phone can be so annoying

Just received a notification that my bible needs update, for what exactly?
Has Adam eaten another apple.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

In a restaurant

I went into a restaurant and ordered everything in Chinese, which surprised everyone in the Italian restaurant. I ordered the chicken and noticed how cold it was.

I said "Hang on, this chicken's cold"

The waiter said "I'm not surprised, it's been dead 2 weeks"

I said "And one of...

After a short eternity of waiting for the couple to finally leave the last parking place, I was getting annoyed.

While I was about to start honking my horn and using my best vocabulary, my friend beside me was cool as a cucumber. After another five minutes of waiting, I just had to ask why the normally hot tempered man was so calm.

"It's simple. I'm assuming they are Catholic and just don't have any e...

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It really annoys me when Americans act like they cracked the secret of Nazi codes when they took the Enigma machine off U-751.

Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan?

Play their music on shuffle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I'm on a plane and the Captain starts his annoying little speech:

He goes, "This is your captain speaking, and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet, (Bla, Bla, Bla)"

After the announcement, he forgets to turn off the intercom, and goes to his copilot, "Man, I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

As the entire plane hears it...

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It really annoys me when people say that Hitler did nothing wrong.

I mean, he lost the war

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A man on a beach walks up to a woman in a wheelchair

This woman is crying, he asks “why Are you crying?” She says “ nobody has ever taken me on a date before” he says, “oh well, I’ll take you on a date!” So they go on a nice date and he takes her back to the spot on the beach he met her at, as he walks away, he hears crying again “what is it now?” He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

A man constantly annoys his wife by.....

...referring to her as "Mother of 5" in social situations. Whenever he introduces her or when they are leaving a party, as in "ok, "Mother of 5" time to go home"...one day she has had enough and when he called this out at the end of the church picnic she yelled back "Ok let me get my purse and we'll...

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex.

Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

How do you annoy people on Reddit?

[removed]

What happens when you annoy a clock?

It gets ticked off.

Friction annoys me.

It's such a drag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, annoyed, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

We’ve been married so long that I don’t have to finish my sentences any more...

But I still do, just to annoy her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying

My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?”

I replied “Don’t you start too”

A Women enters a grocery store

"What are these round green things back there?" she asks the cashier

"Those are apples ma'am" he responds

"Ok, can I have a kilo... ...and pack only one per bag please"

next the women walks up to another shelf and aks:

"What are those orange things i am looking at here?...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-ye...

How did the swordsman annoy r/jokes?

He feinted. (Sorry)

I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.

Cunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were a punker and an old man in the bus.

An the old man is consistently staring at a punker. After some time, punker gets annoyed
-"What's the matter old man? Never seen a punker before? Weren't you crazy when you were my age?"
-Old man replies "Yes I was. I once fucked a parrot. I was asking myself if you were my son."

It annoys me when people don’t proliferate on reddit.

Proofread*

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