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Ruffle Jokes

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An old Welshman’s wife storms into his bedroom to find him sitting on the ruffled bed.

“How did this muddy cunt get in here?”, she snapped, holding a sheep in her hands.

The man sat there silently. The bedsheets are sprawled and the room is a mess. He opens his mouth to answer back but she cuts him off.

“Don’t bother! I’ve seen you and the farmer’s wife staring at each o...

Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

Ruffled feathers ahead.

What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.

The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".

So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".

The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave"....

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

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Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

Linear Prejudice

Three ropes hanging around outside a bar and decide they’re thirsty. The first one goes in, comes back out, and says, “They don’t serve ropes here.”

Second rope says, “Huh! Lemme try.”
He goes in and comes back out a minute later and says, “Nope. They sure don’t.”

The third rope s...

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A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies

Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store

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Firemen

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene " that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop " on the edge of tow...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

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Barak Obama was touring the countryside...

... in his chauffeur-driven limo.

Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

Ole has not been satisfying Lena lately, so he goes off to the doctor

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.

"Ole!" yells Lena, "what on earth are you d...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

A string walks into a bar...

The tender goes 'Jackass, we don't serve strings here.'
The string leaves the bar and twists and pulls and deforms himself, ruffles his hair a bit and struts back in, incognito.
The tender goes 'Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?'
The string answers, 'Frayed knot.'

A blonde is speeding down the highway...

When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license...

Blonde driver says, "What's that?"

Blonde Officer : "Its a square with your face on it."

The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a squar...

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call sp...

A piece of string walks into a bar...(my favorite, wholesome joke)

...and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here.", so the string hangs his head and leaves. The next day he tries again, getting the same treatment. Now, Mr. String is getting pretty thirsty so tries again the next day. The bartender, getting upset, says to the stri...

A piece of string walks into a bar

the bartender takes one look at the string and says,

"we don't take your type around here. Get out of my bar!"

Dejected, the string leaves. After awhile he decides the bartender must have thought he wasn't tough enough. So, he ties himself in a knot, ruffles up his hair, and goes back ...

A man brings his dog to the vet for a checkup

The vet picks up the dog and looks in his mouth, he checks out the dog's eyes, ruffles his fur to make sure it is thick and soft, examines his stomach, his paws and his tail.

The vet then looks at the owner sternly and says"I'm very sorry sir, but I'm going to have to put your dog down".
<...

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A decides to go hunting

He asks his wife to pack his bag for him and fetch him the shotgun. A short while later his wife returns with the goods, telling him she will be going to town later on and the part ways.

Out in the woods the man suddenly spots the biggest buck he'd ever seen, he ruffles through his bag, looki...

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An elderly woman bought a parrot.

An elderly woman bought a parrot. She asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and the next week put him on her shoulder and went off...

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A cowboy finds a nearly dead bird in his cow pasture.

He picks it up and notices how cold it is to the touch, how weak and skinny it feels, and he knows its time is almost up.

He searches frantically until he finds a fresh cow pie and when he does he plops the bird down in the steamy, warm pile.

Immediately the bird starts to make a litt...

A student arrives late for an exam...

A large lecture hall of students is taking the final exam for their course. Halfway through the hour, a student arrives late. As he picks up a copy of the test, the professor looks disappointed and says, "Young man, I wrote this test to take an hour. Because of your tardiness, it it unlikely you'll ...

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