I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

I saw a man drive through my city with a van full of herbs and spices

He was a thyme traveler

My girlfriend and I like to make containers for our herbs and spices

She didn’t like my cumin herb box though.

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

Just watched a 5-minute video of some guy throwing herbs in the garbage

What a complete waste of thyme

I’m making a belt decorated with herbs

My friends tell me it’s a waste of thyme

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I went to the farmers market to get some herbs and vegetables.

But when my friends invited me over for some pizza, I figured it was a waste of thyme.

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

Best Salesman of the year

At a sales conference, one of the awards went to Matthew for best salesman. He’d sold a record quantity of mouthwash. After he’d been presented with his award, he was asked for the secret of his success.

“Oh it’s simple really,” said Matthew. “I set up a mobile stall during rush-hour and give...

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

What's the problem with manually plucking herbs all day?

You've got too much thyme on your hands.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

They're FINALLY making a Disney movie starring aromatic herbs

It's about thyme

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

I once made a belt out of herbs.

It wasn't very useful and just ended up being a waist of thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am getting around to writing my essay on herbs for my botany class...

It's about thyme

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

The moment I knew she was a sub

Was when I licked her forehead and it tasted of Italian herbs and cheese

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man owns and runs a bar

So a man owns and runs a bar. He’s talking to his latest guest. “See this bar? I built it myself. Do they call me Fred the builder? No. See that stool you’re sitting on? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred the carpenter? No. See that bridge out to mainland? Built it myself. Do they call me Fred th...

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.


All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

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