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Herbs Jokes

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I'll take a 6 inch Meatball marinara on Italian herbs and cheese please

Actually, make it a 6 inch Spicy Italian on Herbs and cheese.

[EDIT] Sorry, wrong sub

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

They FINALLY published my book on herbs

It's about thyme

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes, but only partially.

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

What's the problem with manually plucking herbs all day?

You've got too much thyme on your hands.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

Did you know that there's a wrestling champion for spices and herbs?

It is called sumac down.

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

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