UPJOKE
thymedillbasilparsleyrosemarycorianderperennialoreganobay leafplantsavoryvegetableleafberryshrub

I'll take a 6 inch Meatball marinara on Italian herbs and cheese please

Actually, make it a 6 inch Spicy Italian on Herbs and cheese.

[EDIT] Sorry, wrong sub

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

They FINALLY published my book on herbs

It's about thyme

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I was walking down the street and from a window a pot of herbs fell on my head...

Im alright, it wasn't a big dill

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

My friends always say I’m late, so I’ve started putting herbs in my shoes.

Now I can always be on thyme.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

What's the problem with manually plucking herbs all day?

You've got too much thyme on your hands.

Did you know that there's a wrestling champion for spices and herbs?

It is called sumac down.

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

Did you hear about the vegan what converted their car to run run on herbs?

They wanted to thyme travel!

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

I've never really got the point of herbs and seasoning...

I just think it's a waste of thyme.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish

When the cook walks in and says "STOP WASTING MY THYME"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.