A Spicy Italian

Right before they announced all the restaurants were closing I went to Subway 1 last time.
I placed my order, then the girl behind me proceeded to place hers.
She said, "I'd like a 6 foot Spicy Italian."
I turned to her and said, "Sorry ma'am -- I'm only 5 11"

My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito.

It hurt when she left me

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

There is a big difference between *spice* and *spicy*

Spice is for everyone.

Spicy is for everyjuan.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

[A LITTLE SPICY] Why is Communism better than Fascism?

In Fascism, minorities suffer and are discriminated, while in Communism, everyone suffers!

Why are small peppers not very spicy?

Because they're a little chili

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

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Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"

\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]

**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe...

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeΓ±o.

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.

When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Why didn't the skeleton like spicy food?

'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it!

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My friend is blind and ignorant to the pain so many people suffer of having burning shits after eating spicy food.

What an insensitive asshole.

The curry I ordered wasn't as spicy I had hoped

That really left me in a phall mood.

Indian Food.

I spent some time in India recently.

Some say that continuously eating spicy food causes one to lose their sense of taste.





I started listening to Michael Bolton.

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and...

Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you...

you always get burned in the end.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What do you call a dinosaur that likes spicy food?

A mega-sore-ass.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perf...

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Going to the bar for the first time

So I went into the bar and was very nervous, I'm young and never experienced this atmosphere before. I'm trying to talk to all these ladies but none of my pick up lines are working, all my buddies have their girls they picked up and they're all dancing. I'm in the bar all alone and this beautiful bl...

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.

β€œAlright,” the chef says, β€œtonight is busy...

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Quite the Pickle

When my grandmother died, as an only child my father had to clean out her place. When he came upon her recipe box, he sat on the floor and went through them slowly. Many had been handed down to her from her mother, my great-grandmother. One by one, he closed his eyes and remembered the simple joy of...

An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight.

The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. "There's t...

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a bowl of chili...

...and the bartender says "ehhh, sorry man, but the guy next to you has the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, it's fine," the man says.

Sitting there in is own self-pity, the man looks over to his chiliful neighbor and notices the dick isn't even touching it!
<...

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

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An elderly man lays on his death bed, accompanied by his loving wife.

She asks him, 'What would you have me do with your body when you are gone?'
He responds, 'My dear, cremate me. And once I am ashes, make the most spicy bowl of chili you can and mix my ashes in with it. Then eat every last bit of the chili.'
'But my dear,' she asked, '..why chili?'
The man ...

Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. G...

Prom

The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get...

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A man goes to dinner at his girlfriend's house

to meet her parents for the first time. Her parents cook spicy food for the dinner, not knowing that he has stomach issues.

He doesn't want to seem rude so he eats the spicy food anyways. The dinner is going well until, sure enough, his stomach starts to rumble. He begins to cradle his stoma...

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Wife and technical support

Dear technical support.

Last year I upgraded my Boyfriend 5.0 program in to the version Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program has unexpected changes in its processing modules. The program limited the access to Flowers and Jewelry applications which worked perfectly under the version...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

Abracadabra

A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus.

Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it?

Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly!

So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all...

On a night out, a man finds himself in a bar where a local band is performing.

During the performance he comes across a woman who introduces herself as Teri Campbell. After a bit of flirting, they find themselves up against an amplifier, getting a bit spicy. Now he’d never told anyone before, but he had a fetish for vinegar. Anything with vinegar, it could be pickles, brown sa...

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before...

An Italian order Pizza in India

An Italian businessman goes to India on a business trip, but he hates Indian food because its too spicy for him. So he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get Italian food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they del...

will you enjoy some humour?

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offense!

------------ --------- ---------

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long li...

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Cure for AIDS

Doctor : Eat lots of raw peppers, and spicy food.

Patient : How will that cure my AIDS?

Doctor: It won't, but now you know what your asshole is for.

How did me and my sugar make our little rosemary?

When things got spicy, it ended with my cumin cider.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

A monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk.

After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!"

Five years later, another tho...

Oscar came from a rough home... (from the r/baseball jokes thread)

His dad was cruel, and an alcoholic. Oscar had to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide the bruises. And his mother wasn't better off.

One fateful day, Oscar's mom made the soup too spicy, and dad started beating her with a cast iron skillet. Hearing his mother's screams and figuring this w...

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