UPJOKE
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Tense Jokes

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

what’s the past tense of seesaw?

is it seensaw or sawsaw?

Teacher: "One day our country will be corruption free", which tense is it?

Student: Future impossible tense.

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

Tense

Teacher teaching English grammar ,
Types of tense : Past Present Future ,
Sub types : Simple Continuous Perfect ....
........ ,
Teacher explaining 'Simple Future' Tense ,
A kid who was quiet till now ,
Shouts ,
Impossible!

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it

I should have told her about the electric fence

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

If Yeet is the "present tense", and Yote is the "past tense",

Then the "future tense" sould be Yet, as it's "yet" to happen.

I was taking my English final and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

Me being a hitman makes people tense..

Past tense.

I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses.

But not yet.

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses.

Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?


Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?"

John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."

Why is the crowd at a gallows so tense?

Because they're hanging on to every last word.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets fi...

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

The guy who de-tenses my muscles hates women

He's a real massage-inist

Change sentence to tense?

Teacher: Change this sentence into Future Tense, "I killed a person"
.
Student: The Future tense is "You will go to a jail"

Tense, moody joke

Guy lands at Logan, hops a cab, and says to the driver, "Well now that i'm in Boston, where can I get scrod?" Cabbie says, "You know, I've heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

I honestly think that words can bring people to their knees, even in very tense situations where a fight can break out any second

Just say "I have a gun" and it works like a charm

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

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A husband and wife go to Jamaica for vacation...

After seeing the typical tourist attractions, they wander off the beaten path into a darker part of town.

After walking a few blocks, they see an adult store and after some persuasion, the wife convinces her husband to enter.

They look around for a few minutes, and then they come u...

It's been an incredibly long and tense wait but, now, finally, for the first time in what seems like forever I can say ...

Today is my cake day.

What? Something else going on at 4:09 a.m. East Coast time today?

It was really tense at the dress factory today because they only had a couple of hours to meet their deadline.

Everybody seamstressed.

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

This is a tense election for the sliced cheese industry.

Trump wants to make America Grate again

I can't help but think that The Last Supper must have been a bit tense...

...with Jesus relating the bread to his broken skin and the wine to his own blood.

I bet no one touched the meatballs.

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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A guy walks into a bar. And he's mad as hell.

He walks over to the bartender and says, "Bob!! Whiskey!! And leave the bottle!!"

Bob takes out a bottle, pours a shot, slides it over and says, "Hey there Johnny...you seem a little tense. What's the problem?"

Johnny grabs the shot and slams it down. Then pouring himself another sa...

Did you hear about the kid who was going to argued with his dad?

There was a tense disagreement.

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...

The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."

The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."

How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

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A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

If you think of something you seriously wanted to do while inside of your camping shelter,

you're thinking in the tense in-tent intent tense

How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.

Finally she spoke, “...

WOW joke

A guy walked up to me and said "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said relax man, you're too tense.

I told my doctor I wasn’t sleeping well. I told him that sometimes I dream that I am a wigwam, and sometimes I dream that I am a teepee.

He said, “Well there’s your problem, you’re too tense.”

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

Becoming a dad is stressful.

One day a man walked into a bar;
Bartender: "hello mate, what can I get you? You look quite tense!"
Man: "beer please, my wife is giving birth, she's had one but the doctors say there's more on the way and to keep myself occupied!"

An hour passes so the man uses the public phone in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

She sneezes, and kind of tenses up. The man looks over, then looks away. The woman sneezes again, and tenses up kinda shaking. He looks over, watches her. She sneezes about 4 more times. Now she is violently shaking he asks, “are you okay?” A bit worried, she reply’s, “yes! I have this disease where...

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

A poem, with a title at the end

Darkness, silence, cool serene morning
Daybreak not yet piercing the shades
Crackling, popping, cut through the nothing
Shoulders tense, poised for responding
Electricity in fibers, pushing up against gravity
Hands sinking inward, but head rising lightly
Head tossed sideways and ey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting in a room with my new step-mom and my dad:

For some reason, I blurt out "how come there's so much porn about step-mom and son's?"



Like custody hearings aren't tense enough already.

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