So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

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I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sick Man

Wife: Why would you cheat on me???????
Husband: She was on a table and naked. What else could I do?????
Wife: The Fucking Autopsy

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when he called in sick? (NSFW)

Sorry, boss, I can't come today.

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

Do you know why ants are never sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays?

Me: It’s my weekend immune system.

Where do boats go when they're sick?

To the boat doc.

Little Johnny went to school sick one

Coughing and sneezing the teacher approached him and said

“If you’re sick you should stay home we don’t want you to get the other children sick”


Johnny replied


“But you said I’d never be able to pass anything!”

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

I got sick waiting to board my flight

It was a terminal illness

I’m so sick of hearing friction jokes...

If I hear one more, I won’t let it slide

Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I'm a sick, sick individual ...

... and he added that he'll never again take any of my recommendations for porn sites.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

Did you know that sick eagles are not permitted by the law?

Because it's ill-eagle

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

Her: I’m leaving. I’m sick of your constant mansplaining. I’m surprised you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

Me: It’s called graffiti, Karen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sick and tired of companies advertising lies to sell their products

My father said this after watching Condom Advertisement.

Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath?

He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

Ole was sick. . .

So Ole went to the doctor for an examination. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the ...

Sea animals are getting a sickness...

Acid Reeflux

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

How did I know the crow got sick?

He had a really bad ca-cough.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.

Lol jks, they get shot.

I'm getting sick of people misspelling their homynyms

We should round them up and leave them in a dessert

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills....

I hope he gets Well soon!

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in sick to work. Told them I have anal glaucoma.

When they asked what that was, I explained I just couldn’t see my ass going into work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weakened immune system.”

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I am very very sick

He won't borrow porn from me again

An impulsive person would never go to a doctor's clinic even if he's sick

Because he don't want to be patient.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

I called my boss to tell him I would not be in to work today because I was sick.

He said "you don't sound sick. How sick are you really?"

"Well, considering I'm in bed with my next door neighbour's golden retriever, I'd say that is sick enough..."

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

What do you call a sick Egyptian?

Sir Cough-a-gus

What US state do people get most sick in?

Illinois.

My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I‘be attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the speech ...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

What do you do with a sick scientist?

Well if you can't helium or curium then you might as well barium!

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I called work to say I can’t come in today as I’m really sick...

The boss asked what’s wrong with me, I just told him I’m in bed with my sister.

how do you make a hill sick?

remove the letter H

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

Why don't ants get sick?

They have little antybodies

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

Why do ant colonies never get sick?

They’re full of anty-bodies!

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

Everyone in the office I work at is sick..

I guess there’s a staff infection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.

I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hotel

Goes to the reception and books a room. He then goes up to his room and flicks through the channels on the tv, and is disgusted when he finds the porn channels. So he marched downstairs to the reception and demands that the porn channels be disabled. The person behind the counter quickly shouts back...

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

Who called It blindness and not

See sickness.

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

What do you call two sick people on a video call together?

Covid

My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.

I sent him a get well soon card.

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear...

when a dictator's son visit the ZOO

when the manager of a Zoo heard that the president (Dictator) and his son are coming for a visit

he went and called one of his worker and asked him to wear a Deer costume and sit in their place because all of them died and the dictator president's son love Deers.

when the president cam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

absolutely insane that armies used to have drummers. like "hello, yes— we are here to slaughter each other but before that our boy John Paul gonna drop a sick ass beat on y'all...

Drop that beat JP!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of the incorrect assumption that us rednecks are always fucking our sisters

Mine hasn't put out in 6 months

I'm sick of the pandemic. I stopped wearing a mask, I don't wash my hands.

I just never leave my house really...

Pastor wakes up one beautiful Sunday morning

It's such a nice day that he decides to play golf, and so he calls in sick to the church. On his way to the course, St Peter and God are watching from above. St Peter asks God, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God shakes his head On the first tee, a par 5, the Pastor gets gets off a tr...

Wanna hear a sick joke?

American healthcare

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

Why are paralegals never sick?

Because then they would be illegal.

I'll let myself out... byeee.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What do you give to a sick Pig?

Oinkment :)

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The docktor!

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

I got sick of being an assasin; so I hired myself to off me.

Now my work is literally killing me.

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his family are checking into a motel...

The father asks the clerk, "Can the porn be disabled in our room?" The clerk replies, "We only have regular porn, you sick bastard."

Who can drink 20L of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sharon was bored at home with her boyfriend Andrew.

"Andrew, I'm sick of just sitting at home doing nothing. Let's go out for lunch to that nice restaurant." Sharon said.

"That sounds like a great idea", replied Andrew. "BUT... I've already organised to do some gaming with some friends today."

"There is always A BUT! You never put any e...

Condom expiration dates are so misleading

I get sick regardless of when I eat them.

Joke 2#

What do you give to a sick lemon?



LEMON AID

Really sick of seeing so much infighting in the short community

We should really be lifting each other up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

A man is feeling sick.

A man is feeling sick and goes to the doctor. The doctor runs many test on him and comes to him about an hour later.

"I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

The man exclaims,

" The good news of course!"

The doctor then says,

"Well, the good news ...

What do you call it when a man’s pet snake gets sick?

A reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

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