A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

Where Do Boats Go When They Are Sick

The Doc

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I called work and said I am sick

My boss said “How sick are you?”

I replied “ I am balls deep in my dead nan”

You hear ants can't get sick?

They have those tiny anty bodies.

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A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery. The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation. The man agrees. The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silen...

I hate Anti-Vaxers

They make me sick.

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A man says to his doctor: "Doctor plz I am so sick my stomach can't digest anything. If I eat meat, I poop meat; if I eat vegetables, I poop vegetables. What do I do?!"

Doctor: "Eat shit."

I’m getting so sick of millennials and their attitudes.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

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A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.

He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the...

If you get sick before boarding a plane...

...does that mean you have a terminal illness?

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Oh, ok. And for the main course?

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

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My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

There's no justice in this world.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday

One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.



The brunette left and decided to go shopping.



The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.



The ...

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

Why do so many people get sick during Oktoberfest?

... Because it’s Germanfested ...

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment

How can you tell if a skeleton is sick?

By his coffin.

What do you call Chewbacca when he gets sick?

Achoo-bacca

I’m honestly sick and tired of people asking me what would i be doing in 139 days

like as if I have 2020 vision.

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbator who took a sick day?

He wasn't feeling himself.

What is it called when a sick wookie loses all its hair?

Wookemia

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

The old priest was sick off all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One day he said ‘If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit.’

Everyone liked the priest, so together they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to please the old priest and things went very well, until one da...

Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

If he's coffin.

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What did the sick pony say before giving a speech?

Sorry, I'm a little hoarse.

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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

Got sick of rubbing my wife's feet so the last time she asked I finally told her no, and let me tell you...

...hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

My friend got sick and asked me to call him an ambulance

Apparently yelling at him “you’re an ambulance!” is not sufficient.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

What happens when a law gets sick?

It becomes ill-legal

I'm sick of all these World War II jokes on here!

Anne Frankly, they're terrible!

I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

What did the sick trebuchet say?

I am about to throw up




*if you don't know what a trebuchet is then google it

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Calling In Sick

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires.

"Well, I just can't see my...

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her.

She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can not handle their alcohol.

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

What do you call it when Keanu Reeves get sick?

John sick

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

I don't exercise when I'm sick

My nose does the running for me

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.

Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss wouldn’t allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I wa...

I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

He asked, ‘how sick are you?’

I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

The sick mother in law

The man came home after visiting his sick mother in law.

His wife asked how her mother was doing.

The man responded, she is getting released in two days and moving in to our home!

Shocked, the wife says, how’s that possible? When I visited her yesterday, she was in the respira...

I'm getting so sick of these double standards...

Burn a body at a mortuary and 'you're doing your job', do it at home and you're "Destroying evidence"





P.s wasn't sure to post this to /r/jokes or /r/funny

I told my friend my small bucket was sick.

“How do you know?” He asked. I replied, “It’s looking pail.”

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I'm sick of people speeding through my residential neighbourhood in their obnoxiously loud tricked-out vehicles

Fucking ambulances

I got sick of that annoying noise in my car

So I opened the door and pushed her out

I'm so sick of hearing necrophelia jokes

They've all been done to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl calls in sick to work.

His boss says, "I know you're not sick, you lay out all the time, now get your ass to work".

Carl replies, "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in."

The boss is pissed, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him. When he arrives, he peers through the window to see i...

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

I think Instagram made me sick

I got a bad case of influencer

Why do blind people get sick very easily?

They don't get enough vitamin C

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.

He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the no...

Whats worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

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A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

I'm so sick of film spoilers.

If anyone tells me what happens in the new Ted Bundy film I'm going to kill them.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

What did Jesus say to the sick dog?

Heal!

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

What do you call a sick lizard?

A reptile dysfunction.

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Sometime I get so sick of my large intestine.

It always gives me shit.

I'm sick!

Pete rings his boss at work and says, "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't come to work today. I'm sick." "Sick!" screams his boss. "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?" "Well", replies Pete. "I'm in bed with my 12-year old sister."

Some people say it's sick & perverted to be a flasher...

...but I think it shows a lot of balls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who was sick of my jokes says

"How about you stop sitting on your ass all day coming up with terrible puns, and start writing a book or something!"

Me: "Now that.... is a novel idea!!!!"

A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"

The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

Me: Doctor! My trampoline is sick!

Doc: I'm sure it will bounce back.

What do you do when a scientist is sick?

If you can’t helium, you might as well barium!



I stole this from some dude on the discord, her username is Amalgamate_UnderplayChara. (On discord)

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house

I texted her, " oh pun the door! "

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Emailed out sick today, explained that I had Anal-rectal Glaucoma

I just couldn't see my ass coming into work today.



*Edit: oh my god! Front page of Al-jazeera baby! They get it!*

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

What do you call it when everyone at your job is sick...

A staff infection

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