UPJOKE
illnauseousnauseatedqueasysickishstrickenunwellsicklypoorlyconvalescentafflictedillnesspeoplemadvomit

Sick Jokes

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sick Man

Wife: Why would you cheat on me???????
Husband: She was on a table and naked. What else could I do?????
Wife: The Fucking Autopsy

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

For the sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He call...

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

Where do horse go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.

>! Just kidding, they get shot. !<

Sick and tired of the double standards

When Venus poses naked on a giant scallop shell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess".

But when I do it I am "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

How come ants don't get sick?

...because they have lil' anty-bodies

*runs away*

I'm sick and tired of my Bonnie Tyler satnav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

Why did the sick blind man fall in the well?

He didn't feel that well.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

Well, if you can't curium or helium, you might as well barium.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

The sick man

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted...

What's the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and alzheimer. You are running but you don't know where.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make ...

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the res...

What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and a sick joke?

One is a fit bunny, the other is a bit funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling out sick.

Employee: Boss, I can't come to work.

Boss: why? What's wrong?

Employee: I got Anal Glaucoma.

Boss:....... What is that?

Employee: I can't SEE my ASS going to work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

Everybody got sick after my party.

They blame me, since I am the German.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

I'm so sick of all these REPOSTS

For 25 years I have been working day and night to find the originator of the first joke. I think I may have found it in the original Hebrew Bible.

Adam spoketh to Eve and said, "Now see the mess thou has got us into. I should never have listened to you."

Eve replied, "How the hell was ...

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my doctor told me I am very sick

He won't take porn recommendations from me ever again

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

I'm really getting sick of turning up early to concerts

They always promise The Doors will be opening for every band, but they never show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

What does the doctor say when a sick Pokémon comes to the office?

Let me take a peek at you.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls in sick to work...

His boss asks what sickness he's contracted. The man replies, "anal glaucoma." The boss asks him to explain the illness. The man replies, "Its simple sir, I can't see my ass coming into work today."

My wife is so sick...

I have to carry her to the kitchen, so she can fix me something to eat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

So one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home las...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

I’m sick of those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn.”

Stupid firefighters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sick of my wife always making fun of my crappy sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

My parrot was looking a bit sick, so I took him to the veterinarian.

The vet told me he had a Canarial disease.


It's called Chirpees.


He told me not to worry too much, as it's tweetable.

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat!

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy arab guy was very sick

and he needed a blood transplant for an operation, but he had a very rare blood type. Luckily, there was a jew guy with the same type of blood. The arab guy asked the jew but the jew told him that he must ask a Rabbai first. The Rabbi told him that it was okay to do that. After the operation's succe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

What do you give a sick lemon

Lemon Aid

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is on his way to visit a sick parishioner....

He comes upon a small boy squishing ants with his thumb. Each time he squishes one, outloud he says "Fuckin' ants".

The priest tells him he's going to visit someone and on his way back while he's gone he wants the youth to think of three things God put on earth which are of no use.

On...

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

Mario is getting old and becomes sick

He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.

After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

My friend is pretty sick and tired of PC culture

I tried to console him but he didn't want his hand held

A guy who is sick goes to the doctor

The doctor says you have what we call "Tom Jones disease."

The patient says "Oh my God! I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says "It's not unusual."

why was the sick eagle arrested and deported??

Cuz he was an ill eagle

The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

I'm sick and tired of hearing people make jokes about the starving children in Africa

I think they've got enough on their plates.

what do you call a sick Eagle?

-An illEagle-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

There's no justice in this world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

I told my boss that I had to take a sick day because my eyes hurt.

I couldn't see myself going.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"In sick of sewing buttons!"

\-Incredible Hulk's mom



(Got this from the jokes section of an Argentine popular culture magazine, so yeah, us ARgentines have a terrible humor xD)

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

A sick kid in the hospital

Kid : will you visit me when I get out

Doctor : don’t be stupid, I hate graveyards

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Why was the chimney sick?

Because it had the flue.

What does a sick person get from Starbucks?

A coughfee

Why does a Ferry Boat never get Sick?

Because it’s always going to the Dock.

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in sick to work this morning.

My boss said, “you don’t sound sick.”
I replied, “I just got done fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?’

What do pirates do when they get sick of your physics questions?

They make you walk the Planck.

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

My Chinese friend got really sick one day...

...and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Nǐ zhàn zài wǒ de guǎn” over and over – and then he died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

Why did Hansel and Gretel claim they were sick?

They had Munch hausen.

Ole was sick. . .

So Ole went to the doctor for an examination. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live".

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the ...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

What did the vet give the sick pig?

Oink-ment!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.