At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital



Just kidding it gets shot

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

One day, a blonde was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and wanted to prove herself

So she began going door to door to see if there was any type of work that she could do.

She arrived at this wealthy family home where she knocked on the door and a man answered. “Hi. I’m tired of being called blonde and being told that I’m dumb. Is there any job that I can do to prove my wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick from this shit

My boy is a plumber and I called him to help me with my clogged toilet and he told me to "suck it up" so I tried it and I threw up everywhere and there was like no change to the condition of my toilet at all, like what the fuck is a "figure of speech"??

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee calls his boss to say he can't work because he's sick today. The boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I fuck my wife. Try that?"

Later that day, the employee called his boss and said "I feel a lot better now! Thanks for the tip! By the way, you have a nice house!"

My dogs are sick

You could say that they have a woofing cough

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonaid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick of all the comments I get when I wear my daisy dukes..

“Why are your legs so hairy” and “Sir, your penis is hanging out”

Wanna hear a sick joke?

American healthcare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your sex doll gets a runny nose, it's not because she's sick

Its because she's full

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

Kim Jon Un is reported to be sick.

He is now Kim Jong Ill.

Why shouldn't you hurt a sick bird?

Because it's ill eagle

They inspire people to get sick

Influenzers

Future generations increasingly find it harder to receive sympathy as they get sick

My grandchild was sick the other day and I asked him if it was the flu.

“No, it’s the new COVID-69.”

All I could say was, “nice.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just discovered I can’t get sick on Saturdays or Sundays

Turns out I have a weekend immune system.

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn’t stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

[OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them.

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

Did you hear about the crow that got sick?

It came down with Corvid-19

Even though I've got sick every time I go to my local shawarma place, I still went back yesterday.

Now I falafel.

What do you call a sick redhead?

A Ginger Ale

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

Just read that Paddington Bear is very sick

Thankfully it isn’t COVID-19...but it is a really bad case of marmal-AIDS.

My young child is feeling sick

Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medici...

I've heard that if you drink 6 Coronas a night you can't get sick. I think it was the CDC.

You know, the Corona Distribution Center.

What do you tell someone who is sick from dehydration?

"Get well soon."

So sick of the guy in my bathroom

Stupid fvck just stands behind the sink and mocks me

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can’t helium.

Or curium.

You just gotta barium.

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

Why don’t ants get sick

Because they have little anti bodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..

What a bunch of sick fucks

What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry

She really loved that cat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

Guy goes to a doctor and says I'm really sick, don't know what's wrong with me. Doctor says wow, I don't know what this is - so I will need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and and sperm sample.

Guy says, Doc I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

Research Shows Bad Jokes Increase Risk of Getting Sick

Because it makes you facepalm.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

I am not worried about getting sick. I wash my hands religiously.

Every Christmas and Easter.

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

What do you call a sick train?

A choo- ahchoo train.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

What do you call a vegetable with sick beats?

A Rap Scallion

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I think the Stimulus Package is a sick April Fools joke.

It’s a Stimu-LIE!!!

Im Sick and Tired of talking about the corona virus

I just want to stay positive

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

Main cause of morning sickness found.

9/10 doctors agree it's pregnancy, the other was too drunk to vote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

Contrary to your body not feeling good while you are sick, your nose must feel the best ever.

Because it keeps on running.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

What do we call Po when he's sick?

Kung Flu Panda

I’m already sick of hearing about Corona Virus

I would trade 2% of the earth’s population right now to never hear about it again.

What happens when a sick person from China gets bitten by a tick?

A corona gets its Lyme

I think my plant is sick.

It's looking a little bit green

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

My wife told me she's sick of using the broom all day

I told her she should take the car

[At dinner] Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

Friends: Why are you always sick after pay day?

Me: I'm allergic to peanuts

I'm getting really sick of the immature toilet humor on here lately...

You guys are really taking it a little too fart-ese days.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

I wrote a sick joke and stuck it to the inside of an elevator door.

It was wrong on so many levels.

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundr...

There’s been a recent outbreak that’s making Instagrammers sick

They’ve been spreading influence-za

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes.

All 195 of them.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor

She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a young boy comes home so angry, he was on the verge of tears.

His dad noticed and asked him what was the matter.

The boy responds: Everyday when I pass this street corner on the way home, there are these guys who always say “Hey! Do you know Tim?” And when I say “Tim? What Tim?” They say “The one who fucked you in the gym!” And I’m so sick of it, but I...

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