UPJOKE
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Sick Jokes

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I'm sick and tired of my Bonnie Tyler satnav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, it got me lost in France, and every now and then it falls apart.

I’m getting really sick of millennials attitudes lately

Walking around like they rent the place.

what's it called when somebody is sick at an airport?

A terminal illness

For the sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the...

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these bl...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

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I was sick of my wife always making fun of my crappy sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

How do you know when a vampire is sick?

You can tell from their coffin.

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A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

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my doctor told me I am very sick

He won't take porn recommendations from me ever again

My wife is so sick...

I have to carry her to the kitchen, so she can fix me something to eat...

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

Mario is getting old and becomes sick

He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.

After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"

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A priest is on his way to visit a sick parishioner....

He comes upon a small boy squishing ants with his thumb. Each time he squishes one, outloud he says "Fuckin' ants".

The priest tells him he's going to visit someone and on his way back while he's gone he wants the youth to think of three things God put on earth which are of no use.

On...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat!

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

I told my boss that I had to take a sick day because my eyes hurt.

I couldn't see myself going.

Why are Math teachers never sick and English teachers always pregnant?

Because you can always count on a math teacher and English teachers do not allow contractions.

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Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

A guy who is sick goes to the doctor

The doctor says you have what we call "Tom Jones disease."

The patient says "Oh my God! I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says "It's not unusual."

Why don't ants get sick?

They have tiny anty bodies

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023...

but im getting sick and tired of it!

why was the sick eagle arrested and deported??

Cuz he was an ill eagle

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A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front deck and says

"I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the deck replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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sick employee

A company hired a new employee. He was supposed to start on Monday, but in the morning he called his boss:
"I'm sick," he said. The boss excuses him.
The guy shows up at work on Tuesday and works hard all week, amazing everyone with his diligence and skills. The following Monday he calls...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

Why do most employees get sick on work days?

Because of their weekend immune system.

Where do sick boats go?

To the dock-ter.

An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu

His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.

"Yes, go get a priest."

"A priest? But we're Jewish!"

"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.

He's not sick. I just think he can do better.

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

The sick man

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry Can

What do pirates do when they get sick of your physics questions?

They make you walk the Planck.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny puts her hand up and says "My mum says we should stay home when we're sick incase we're contagious."

"That's right" the teacher says, "Anyone else?"

Susie says "My grandma says a smile can be contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny pu...

what do you call a sick Eagle?

-An illEagle-

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

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Called in sick to work, told the boss i have Anal Glaucoma. He said "whats that?"

I said "It means i can't see my ass coming to work today"

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

The Daughter's Confession

Mandy asks her mother for a few minutes to have a serious conversation. Concerned for her college-age daughter, Nina stops what she's doing and makes them coffee. They sit for a few minutes, with Mandy looking nervous.

"What is it, sweetie?" her mother asks. You know you can tell me anything...

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

The Dragon's Tail

A Dragon is rampaging through a kingdom. The king recruits the bravest knight in all the land to slay it, and bring back its tail. The knight rides off on his horse, and stops at a monastery on the way to the dragon's cave. The knight explained to one of the monks about his quest, and together they...

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon-aid

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?

>!it might be an illeagle!<

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

My cat is sick

He isn't feline well

Did you hear about the dowser who called in sick to work?

She wasn't feeling well.

Why did Hansel and Gretel claim they were sick?

They had Munch hausen.

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

“Are you sure you’re not sick?” she asked me

After a few minutes of coughing, I looked her in the eye and said “I’m positive!”

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

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I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a fuck.

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MacGregor

A young man was drinking in a bar when he noticed an older gentleman sitting alone and clearly deep in thought. He asked the man, “Sir, with all your years of experience, what wisdom can you give me?”

The man replied, “Always do that which you would want to be remembered for.”

“I’m not...

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

Why does a Ferry Boat never get Sick?

Because it’s always going to the Dock.

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

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Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

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I called in sick to work this morning.

My boss said, “you don’t sound sick.”
I replied, “I just got done fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?’

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

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A man goes to the pub...

A man goes to the pub and gets incredibly drunk. He ends up being sick on himself and when he gets home, his wife is livid.



She tells him that this has happened too often and if he does it again, she will leave him.



The next night the man goes back to the pub, and it ha...

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

I was so sick to see a man smoking cigarettes inside the temple in front of all the devotees and priest.

I almost dropped my beer bottle.

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

What does a sick person get from Starbucks?

A coughfee

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

What medicine does a snake take when it's sick?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

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A hospital volunteer runs to the charge nurse's desk and exclaims: "Oh my god, two of the terminally ill cancer patients are trying to have sex! What should we do!"

The charge nurse, flabbergasted, replies: "is this some kind of sick fucking joke!?"

A tramp walks into a bar

and the barman says “no thank you, we don’t serve your type in here”
The tramp replies “it’s ok, I don’t want a drink, I just want a toothpick.”
Confused, the barman gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves without causing any trouble.
The barman goes back about his business and tried to...

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

A sick kid in the hospital

Kid : will you visit me when I get out

Doctor : don’t be stupid, I hate graveyards

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

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"In sick of sewing buttons!"

\-Incredible Hulk's mom



(Got this from the jokes section of an Argentine popular culture magazine, so yeah, us ARgentines have a terrible humor xD)

A priest goes to visit a sick man in the hospital

When the priest arrives, the man begins to squirm and gesticulate. The family is scared. He makes a sign that he wants to write something. The son hands him a pen and paper. Man writes anything and dies. The priest keeps the paper in his pocket.

The other day, during the funeral, the priest r...

What to do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, and you cant Curium, then you may as well Barium.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

What did the vet give the sick pig?

Oink-ment!

Why was the chimney sick?

Because it had the flue.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

My 8yo daughter came up with this: Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horsepital!

I phoned my boss to say I was sick

He said: "How sick are you?"

I said: "Well, I'm in bed with my sister"

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

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