So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

Do you know why ants are never sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies

I called my boss to tell him I would not be in to work today because I was sick.

He said "you don't sound sick. How sick are you really?"

"Well, considering I'm in bed with my next door neighbour's golden retriever, I'd say that is sick enough..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sick Man

Wife: Why would you cheat on me???????
Husband: She was on a table and naked. What else could I do?????
Wife: The Fucking Autopsy

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A woman visits a doctor to get her sick husbands results.

But the doctor tells her "We're sorry, but the usual tests were inconclusive. We're not sure what is wrong with your husband so we'll need to test everything we haven't tested yet. We'll need his urine sample, blood sample, semen sample and fecal sample."

Woman nods and goes home to her sick ...

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Why don't ants get sick?

They have little antybodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

I am so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the taxi.

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Well my parents are finally sick of all my electronics puns.

Now I'm grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

Where do boats go when they are sick?

The Dock.

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.

I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "

What do you do with a sick scientist?

Well if you can't helium or curium then you might as well barium!

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Where do horses go when their sick? The horsepital

Just kidding they get shot

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I am sick of y = mx+b jokes!!!

y=mx+b jokes are great but at some point, we'll have to draw the line

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

Did you hear about the casket who got sick?

I heard it was coffin all day long.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

What do you call two sick people on a video call together?

Covid

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

Why are paralegals never sick?

Because then they would be illegal.

I'll let myself out... byeee.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a porn star call in sick?

"Sorry, I can't come tonight."

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

I got sick of being an assasin; so I hired myself to off me.

Now my work is literally killing me.

My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.

I sent him a get well soon card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of the incorrect assumption that us rednecks are always fucking our sisters

Mine hasn't put out in 6 months

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Really sick of seeing so much infighting in the short community

We should really be lifting each other up

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

Why did the witch from Hansel and Gretel always think she was sick?

She had Munch House-n syndrome

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

When I am away from home, I sometimes get love sick...

Well they call it Chlamydia

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The docktor!

I think I’m sick with mono...

I can only hear out of one ear.

I have ADHD and I always think I’m sick.

My doctors call me the Hyper Hypochondriac.

Q- What will we give to a sick lemon?

A- Lemon aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation

My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of shit

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sick of being handsome.

It hurts my hands, that’s why I want to try threesome or foursome.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"



The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science...

A man gets sick and, fearing he might have Covid, goes to get tested

When the results of his test come back he gets called in and the person asks him, “first, are you a Democrat or Republican?”

The man says, “what? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, if you’re a Democrat you’ve got Covid. But if you’re a Republican it’s just a hoax.”

Why didn't the Disney Princess go to the doctor when she got sick?

Because the cold never bothered her anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in so to work today, My boss asked me "how sick are you?"

I told him "well I fucked my sister!". His response was "that's really fucking sick why don't you take the rest of the week off!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

A man is feeling sick.

A man is feeling sick and goes to the doctor. The doctor runs many test on him and comes to him about an hour later.

"I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?"

The man exclaims,

" The good news of course!"

The doctor then says,

"Well, the good news ...

What do you call it when a man’s pet snake gets sick?

A reptile dysfunction

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a musician create when they masturbate while they're sick?

A sick beat.

My wife said, “I’m leaving. I’m sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait. I can change!”

Who can drink 20L of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

My Horse got sick after being out on the pasture. So our Vet said to bring him into the barn.

He's in a stable condition now.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Council workers

Two men are doing work for their local council. One digs holes in the ground, the other man follows behind and fills them in.

Spotting this strange behaviour a local approaches them and asks why they’re digging holes just to fill them in again.

One of the men replies, “Oh we’re usually...

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

As an informed American I am sick and tired of people telling me Europa is so much better than my country

There is no chance that a stupid moon can be such a wonderful place to live in !

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Sherry. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Sherry a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I do...

Wanna hear a sick joke?

American healthcare

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

Why did the sick man cover himself in ticks?

He wanted some Lyme with his Corona

New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

Are you sick of lawyers trying to sell you stuff on tv?

You might be entitled to compensation.

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

All these contagious people make me sick!

(trying to make sure I follow the rules, I just think it works better as a one liner)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of being surrounded by assholes everyday

I should stop practicing proctology.

The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison?

It was ill-eagle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Why did the cop arrest the sick bird?

He was ill-eagle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick of all the comments I get when I wear my daisy dukes..

“Why are your legs so hairy” and “Sir, your penis is hanging out”

A man goes to a vet with a sick chihuahua

A man takes his sick chihuahua to the vet. They're immediately taken back to the room.

Soon, a labrador walks in, sniffs the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and ...

What do you call a sick bird that crosses the border?

An illegal ill eagle

A kid is walking down the street looking slightly guilty, but mostly sick...

His mouth looks full of something. A guy sees him and walks up to him.
The guy says, “Hey kid, you don’t look too good. Did you get your hands on some chewing tobacco?”
The kid says, “No. I stole one of my mom’s sugar-free chocolate bars.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

Our whole house has become sick

Even the chimney has the flue.

I'm so sick of gravity.

It always brings me down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

Why was the eagle sufferings from a sickness not allowed to enter the country?

Because it was an ill eagle.

Break up

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he was sick and tired of my constant zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart.

I'm in Pisces typing this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

Got sick so I typed my symptoms into WebMD

Was told I may have connectivity issues

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

As we were sitting down for dinner, my girlfriend told me, “I think we need to see other people... For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.”

I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

One day, a blonde was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and wanted to prove herself

So she began going door to door to see if there was any type of work that she could do.

She arrived at this wealthy family home where she knocked on the door and a man answered. “Hi. I’m tired of being called blonde and being told that I’m dumb. Is there any job that I can do to prove my wor...

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

What did the chickpea say when it got sick?

I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

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