So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas and not get sick?

Jerry can.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. H...

What does a sick person get from Starbucks?

A coughfee

A blonde visits her brunette friend at her home and finds out that she's sick.

The brunette asks "Could you please call the doctor? I'm too sick to go on the phone."

She does so, and calls a doctor. When the doctor comes and visits, the brunette finds out he is a veterinarian.

Confused, the brunette asks, "Why did you call a veterinarian to come see me?"

A...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

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"In sick of sewing buttons!"

\-Incredible Hulk's mom



(Got this from the jokes section of an Argentine popular culture magazine, so yeah, us ARgentines have a terrible humor xD)

A group of kids on street were calling their friend Johnny trough his window. "Johnny, come out to play!", "I can't, I'm sick." Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked.

I'm f*cking my sister. - said Johnny

Today I thought my horses were sick

But it turns out there in stable condition

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

A man went to the doctor because he felt sick and tired because he couldn't stop telling airport jokes.

He found out it was terminal

I got pretty sick after eating some raw salmon

It’s a bad case of chickenella.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when he called in sick? (NSFW)

Sorry, boss, I can't come today.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

I phoned my boss to say I was sick

He said: "How sick are you?"

I said: "Well, I'm in bed with my sister"

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

What to do with a sick chemist?

If you can't Helium, and you cant Curium, then you may as well Barium.

I’m sick and tired of all these mandates..

Any single women out there who’d like to go out for dinner?

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up" "Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

By the law you are not allowed to have a sick bird

That's ill-eagle

I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.

So many blanket statements.

Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam

Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

Where do boats go when they're sick?

To the boat doc.

why don't reddit show any photo of eagle which are sick

it is illeagle

Little Johnny went to school sick one

Coughing and sneezing the teacher approached him and said

“If you’re sick you should stay home we don’t want you to get the other children sick”


Johnny replied


“But you said I’d never be able to pass anything!”

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.

Lol jks, they get shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at wor...

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

I’m so sick of hearing friction jokes...

If I hear one more, I won’t let it slide

Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .

Me : Wait . I can change .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I'm a sick, sick individual ...

... and he added that he'll never again take any of my recommendations for porn sites.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Her: I’m leaving. I’m sick of your constant mansplaining. I’m surprised you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

Me: It’s called graffiti, Karen.

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath?

He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sick and tired of companies advertising lies to sell their products

My father said this after watching Condom Advertisement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I am very very sick

He won't borrow porn from me again

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

I got sick waiting to board my flight

It was a terminal illness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in sick to work. Told them I have anal glaucoma.

When they asked what that was, I explained I just couldn’t see my ass going into work today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

I'm getting sick of people misspelling their homynyms

We should round them up and leave them in a dessert

I sent my girlfriend a 'Get Better' card.

She's not sick, or anything - I just think she can get better..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.

One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally th...

My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills....

I hope he gets Well soon!

An impulsive person would never go to a doctor's clinic even if he's sick

Because he don't want to be patient.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

What do you call a sick Egyptian?

Sir Cough-a-gus

My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

I called my boss to tell him I would not be in to work today because I was sick.

He said "you don't sound sick. How sick are you really?"

"Well, considering I'm in bed with my next door neighbour's golden retriever, I'd say that is sick enough..."

How to you tell if a vampire is sick?

By how much he is coffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

What US state do people get most sick in?

Illinois.

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

Why did the farmer become a DJ?

Because he had sick beets.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

how do you make a hill sick?

remove the letter H

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

Growing up I rarely got sick, I boasted about it to my friends and coworkers.

I just realized it was because I didn't have any friends growing up.

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

Everyone in the office I work at is sick..

I guess there’s a staff infection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?”

the guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

Wanna hear a sick joke?

American healthcare

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Why don't ants get sick?

They have little antybodies

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

Why do ant colonies never get sick?

They’re full of anty-bodies!

I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.

I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "

Don't throw up

A guy walks into a bar and orders tequila shots, one right after another. "Hey, slow down there," the bartender cautions. "I don't want you getting sick." "Don't worry, there's only one thing that makes me throw up," the guy reassures him. "And that's a dart board on the ceiling."

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.

I sent him a get well soon card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

I only date women who have been vaccinated

Not because I'm afraid of getting sick, I just know the ones who are vaccinated don't mind a little prick.

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing.

I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.

Why are paralegals never sick?

Because then they would be illegal.

I'll let myself out... byeee.

What do you call two sick people on a video call together?

Covid

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

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