UPJOKE
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As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?

Most Americans don't get it.

The great thing about sarcasm is

Everyone always gets it.

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere “

Me: well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Peru 98

“Really “

Me: No

What is the similarity between a good woman and sarcasm ?

They are both hard to get

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered. I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried. I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor. His tone changed to sarcas...

North Korea bans sarcasm

What a great idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asexual person, I avoid sarcasm.

I'm really bad at fucking with people

(....I am sorry, I'll see myself out)

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it gr...

TIL Bigfoot could be used for supressing sarcasm.

He was a sass quash.

There is literally no way to convey sarcasm through text

/s

National Sarcasm Society

Like we need your support...

I don't get all this hate and sarcasm against the cybertruck.

Slap a minigun on its back, and it's Halo irl.

Boss: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life"!!

Me: "Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011

Boss: "Really"?

Me: "No"

My dad was trying to explain what sarcasm is the other day

I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but he told me he loved me!

You are being sarcastic

Years ago, in a very toxic workplace, my manager called me to a meeting and told me that I am using sarcasm and it undermines his authority

I looked at him and asked: Who, me?

--- true story

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

What's the difference between sarcasm and lying?

I don't know, I'm just the president.

I went to a sarcasm convention.

A girl came up to me and said, "What brings you here?"

I said, "My feet."

Sarcasm is like a good game of chess

Most people don't know how to play chess.

Sayings always said with sarcasm. Any examples?

I hate to say I told you so.

No sarcasm: I...I truly hate to say I told you so.

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the littl...

So Kim Jong Un just banned sarcasm in North Korea...

Well that's good. Proves everything he did before that was all 100% serious

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

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Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?

Me: With sarcasm mostly.

Therapist: Has that been working?

Me: Yeah it's been super great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

Costume Party

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there
was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he
took his costume ...

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another wo...

What do you call it when someone looks at your face and says you look good?

Sarcasm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

Tim and Jack were argueing in class

Time and Jack were arguing in class when suddenly the teacher comes in and scolds them

"Now boys, I will show each of you humility, the both of you must compliment the other in front of the class" said the teacher

Tim goes first by saying, "I'm sorry Jack, I will never be as good at ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman...

... like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like "Hey, where you from? What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me, I live here in San Francisco. I am a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist but I was really impressed...

Most women... can't pull of sarcasm.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love Mondays...

It's when I take my weekly sarcasm class.

Two Africans and an Englishman are caught jaywalking in the U.S...

The police let the two Africans off with a warning. Then they pull their guns on the Englishman and shoot him eight times, even though his hands are up in surrender.

"Well, so much for stereotypes!" says the first South African.

"Was that sarcasm?" says the second. "He was the only o...

I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.

He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 Truths For Mature Humans

http://nookbank.com/jokes

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap ...

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