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Rum Jokes

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor.

I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

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Better if told in person...

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the...

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

Man: I'll take a rum and coke

Bartender: Is pepsi ok?
Man: Yeah, that'll do.
Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi*

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

A bear walks into a bar.



The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The bear says "I'd like a rum and coke."

The bartender gives the bear a strange look and says, "Wait, I remember you from a previous joke. What happened to the big pause?"

The bear said, "I lost one in a trap."

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

My girlfriend is an alchemist. Last night she drank 8 rum & cokes.

Then she vomited 7-up.

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"I'd like a bottle of rum, please" The sister said to the surprised bartender.

"... it's ok... it's for Mother Superior's constipation".

Later that day, the licensee was shocked to see the nun sitting in the park, pissed.
"Didn't you say that was for Mother Superior's constipation?" he asked.

"It is" slurred Sister Mary. "And when she sees me she'll ."

What did the bottle of rum say to the glass of beer after their romantic date together?

Alcohol you later!

I'm naming my leather bar the Royal Navy

It's got rum, , and the lash

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk?

A Galleon.

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..rum and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept...

A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

An alcoholic walks into a bar...

"What do you guys have?" Asks the alcoholic

"Well, we've got Brandy, Whiskey, Rum, Vodka... Any preference?" Answers the bartender

"Yes, alphabetical order, please"

Jack Sparrow was talking to Forrest Gump.

Jack asked, "Do you know what a pirate's favorite drink is?"

Forrest thinks for a second, and says "Hi-C?"

Jack shakes his head.

Forrest thinks again and says "Oh, I know. It's Arrrr-Sea Cola."

Jack shakes his head again and says "Rum, Forrest. Rum".

Why does a pirate prefer to drink in a bar that serves rum, instead of gin?

Because it has mo'lasses.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn't the answer to my problems.

I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.

RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM

I treat women like Jack Sparrow treats rum.

I never have any

I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum...

So he recommended his wife...

A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

Bartender: So, what can I get you?

Grizzly: I'll have a Rum...... and Coke.

Bartender: Why the long pause there?

Grizzly (*looking at his hands on the counter*): I'm not sure. Everyone in my family has them.

What does Santa say when he visits good pirates?

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!!


Made this one up when I was 5 or 6 and I’m still getting mileage out of it 30+ years later

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

A String Walks Into A Bar

He says, "hey bar keep, I'll have a beer". The bartenders sternly replies, "we don't serve strings here". The string walks away discouraged.
He comes in a few days later and tries again, "hey bar keep, I'll take a rye". The bartender, more aggravated replies, "I told you, we don't serve strings ...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

What did the race car say to the bartender?[OC]

Rum rum!

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Another bar joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.


The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.


The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".


The bartender replies, "take a bite, you w...

A parrot flies into a bar and says "I'll have a coconut rum, please." A patron nearby exclaims "Hey look, a talking parrot!"

Then he realizes, "Oh yeah, parrots can talk."

A large group walks into a bar...

The first guy orders a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for him. The next person also asks for a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for her. The third person does the same. After the twentieth person in the row does the same thing, the bartender screams angrily, storms ...

A drunkard's wife said to him..

A drunkard's wife said to him, "Don't you dare use any more money on buying rum anymore!"

The man replied, "Then maybe you should stop wasting money on your beauty parlor!"

The wife, taken aback by the logical answer, said, "But I do this so I look beautiful for you, my dear.."

...

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

Two friends are driving through a town...

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;

Rum + water = liver problems;

Whiskey + water = heart issues;

Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...

Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a rum falls in and join them.

He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then vodka falls in and joins...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

A man and his son walked into a bar...

The bartender approached them and asked, “what’ll y’all have?” The dad said, “I’ll have a rum and coke, and my son will have a Capri sun!”

The son said, “Dad, I’m 21 years old, I can order my own Capri sun!”

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The barte...

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

“...

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬
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