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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

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[Nsfw] Man walks into bar and orders a rum a coke.

Bartender gives him an apple
Man gives him a surprised look and says "I ordered a rum and coke!"
Bartender says "just take a bite"
Man bites it and says "This tastes like rum."
Bartender say "now turn it around."
Man turns it and take a bite "Wow, this tastes like coke. This is amazin...

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

The Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater resp...

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor.

I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..rum and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

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"I'd like a bottle of rum, please" The sister said to the surprised bartender.

"... it's ok... it's for Mother Superior's constipation".

Later that day, the licensee was shocked to see the nun sitting in the park, pissed.
"Didn't you say that was for Mother Superior's constipation?" he asked.

"It is" slurred Sister Mary. "And when she sees me she'll shit."

My girlfriend is an alchemist. Last night she drank 8 rum & cokes.

Then she vomited 7-up.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

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What did the pirate say to his mate when his rum was stolen?

"Fuck you that's mine."

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

Pirates

A young man gets promoted to first mate on a rich merchant ship. One beautiful Caribbean day there’s a shout from the crows nest.
“Captain , there is one pirate ship on the horizon” to which the Captain yells to his first mate “ first mate, quick, get me my red shirt!!!!”
The first mate quickl...

John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk?

A Galleon.

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

I like my movies as I like my rum

pirated

A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

Why does a pirate prefer to drink in a bar that serves rum, instead of gin?

Because it has mo'lasses.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 whiskey shots, 5 tequila shots, and 12 rum shots all in one glass

The bartender obliges and pours out this concoction, the man proceeds to down the entire glass in one shot. The bartender says "Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's going on buddy?" The guy responds "You'd drink like this too if you had what I have," and the bartender asks, "What have you got?" The man repli...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

Roses are red, Rum is good...

Too much rum..Now no wood :(

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

I treat women like Jack Sparrow treats rum.

I never have any

A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

Bartender: So, what can I get you?

Grizzly: I'll have a Rum...... and Coke.

Bartender: Why the long pause there?

Grizzly (*looking at his hands on the counter*): I'm not sure. Everyone in my family has them.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

A parrot flies into a bar and says "I'll have a coconut rum, please." A patron nearby exclaims "Hey look, a talking parrot!"

Then he realizes, "Oh yeah, parrots can talk."

Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn't the answer to my problems.

I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution.

Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...

Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a rum falls in and join them.

He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then vodka falls in and joins...

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum...

So he recommended his wife...

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

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A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell...

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

Two friends are driving through a town...

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;

Rum + water = liver problems;

Whiskey + water = heart issues;

Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

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[NSFW] A ship captain has the best crew but...

Every time he goes out to sea they drink all his rum. If it was any other crew he would get rid of them but they are the best he has ever worked with. So came up with a plan to recoup his costs. He gathers his crew and tells them "You are the best crew I have ever had but something needs to be done ...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

A man and his son walked into a bar...

The bartender approached them and asked, “what’ll y’all have?” The dad said, “I’ll have a rum and coke, and my son will have a Capri sun!”

The son said, “Dad, I’m 21 years old, I can order my own Capri sun!”

One Sunday, in a church...

...the preacher said out loud: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if...

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Another bar joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.


The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.


The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".


The bartender replies, "take a bite, you w...

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man walks into a bar and...

The bartender asks his posion.

"I'd like a rum and coke." So the bartender pulls out an apple. "Excuse me, this is an apple." says the man. "Just trust me," replies the bartender. The man picks the apple up, and taking a bite, exclaims "This tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," instructed...

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

A large group walks into a bar...

The first guy orders a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for him. The next person also asks for a shot of rum and asks the bartender to open a tab for her. The third person does the same. After the twentieth person in the row does the same thing, the bartender screams angrily, storms ...

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Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

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...and the bartender hands him an apple

So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

"Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?"

"Sure thing! Just give me one second!"

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

"Hey what the hell is this"

"Take a bite"...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.

RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM

A duck walks in to a bar

A duck walks in to a bar, sits on the bar stool and says "My names Splish, I've had an amazing day, I've been in and out of puddles all day! I'll have a large beer please", to which the bartender looks in amazement. Absolutely baffled at the situation, the bartender makes the beer and sits back in d...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The barte...

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to ...

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A guy dies and goes to Hell

And Satan comes up to him and says, "Hey, welcome to Hell! Let me show you around - now just to let you know we have a very strict schedule around here and I'm going to explain it to you. It's really not so bad down here, all the burning in hellfire stuff is just propaganda. Each day is devoted t...

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

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