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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

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Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

Dark humor is like kids with cancer

They never get old.

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

What is dark humor?

Little Bobby asks his father one day: Hey dad, what is dark humor?

Dad: go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him .

Bobby: but dad I don't have any legs or arms .

Dad: Exactly son.

Mid age humor..

The guest of a famous painter, who was also known for having ugly children, remarked, "The people in your paintings are much more beautiful than your children". To which the painter replied: “I make the pictures in the light, the children in the dark.

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

Microsoft humor

Boss: How good are you at Power Point?

Me: I Excel at it

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

Dark humor

A kid asks his mom, “Mommy what is dark humor?”

Mom replies: “You see that beggar over there with no arms? Ask him to clap”

Kid: “But….. Mom you know that I’m blind!!!”

Mom: “Exactly…..”

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Minnesota humor

My family and I used to go camping on the BWCA. The mosquitoes were pretty bad, but we took care of 'em.

We'd capture 'em and pull out the stingers.

And then we'd just use 'em as tent stakes.

furniture humor

Why didn't they fix the rococo Chair?

Because it wasn't baroque

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Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

I love German humor

It's no laughing matter.

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

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most of my humor is self-defecating.

....I mean self-deprecating.

There's not really much of a difference, either way you're still shitting on yourself.

My dog has no sense of humor

Every time I say “knock knock” he just starts barking.

I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.

Silly Dry Humor.

There were three brothers, Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot.

They were living their lives for years but someday Foot became gravely ill and died.After 1 month of mourning Footfoot said to Footfootfoot.

Brother it's been 1 month of mourning and crying over our brother's grave, I can't ta...

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

"Dad what is Dark Humor"

- "See that guy with no hands right there? Go tell him
to grab the hair of that bald guy standing near the river."
- "But dad, I'm blind"
- "I know"

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

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Wife has a sense of humor!

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

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A Little Greek Humor

Nobody:


Polyphemus: Okay, first off that was a real dick move.

Jimmy Carr says this is the oldest joke he found for a book on humor

A man sits down in the barbers chair, the barber says "how would you like your hair cut?" the man says "in silence"

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

"Poor Old fool” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub…

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

gangster humor

Did you hear about the really stupid gangster who gave testimony against a mob boss?
They had to put him in the witless protection program...

My friend finds shock humor very funny

At least I think so. Because he laughs every time I taze him

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

Have you heard about the joke about the inner eye?

It’s aqueous humor.

My Humor is so dry....

It comes with a glass of water.

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can.


Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.

German Humor: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Dark HUMOR

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

Dark humor!

My older relatives at wedding always used to say "you'll be next!" Although they stopped after I started saying to them at funerals.

I'm aware of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

But an award specific to pun-craft rings nobel.

I don't like jokes because my sense of humor are like my dad....

gone

People in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the Flintstones,

but I know people in Abu Dhabi do.

Grandfathers have the purest sense of humor.

My grandfather is close to 90 years old and has to take medication. One day, my aunt gave him his pills, and the cogs in his brain began to turn.

Grandpa after being given his medication: Tell everyone I'm on the pill.

Aunt:.....

Grandaunt: \*Howling with laughter when hearing t...

Gen-X Humor

Why didn't Flock of Seagulls travel to Tehran?

Iran so far away.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

What did the talking pony who had laryngitis and didn't understand humor say to the doctor?

I'm having a hard time speaking clearly.

An interviewer asks an applicant for his greatest weakness and the applicant replied,

"I have an awkward sense of humor which causes me to laugh out of nowhere sometimes and some people take it to mean that I'm laughing at them or thinking something terrible"

The interviewer asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," the applicant laughed as he said, "I've played this conversat...

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New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

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What do you call it when someone shits themself as a joke?

Self deficating humor.

Have mercy I've never written any humor until now. I've attempted to write a joke about a meta joke.

A meta joke walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"I don't have much time to explain! We're living in a hypothetical reality, both of us, characters in a joke! I tell you this here and now, despite the fact that by all metrics I should not be a sentient or even tangible entity capable o...

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I hate potty humor

It's the butt of all jokes

I got a great deal and paid only $6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

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