Ionic humor

Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly says, “I just lost an electron.”

The other is concerned. “Are you sure?”

“I‘m positive!”

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Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor.

I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison.

Dark humor

Why did people stare at the guy eating baby back ribs

Because he was at an abortion clinic

What's dark humor?

A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?"

"See that disabled man over there?" She says

"But mom, I'm blind"


"Exactly, honey"

German Humor: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

Dark humor is like food.

Some people don't get it.

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Bathroom Humor

So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?

An accomplishit

Dark humor is like food...

I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself.

Only the best musical humor

Which concert will only cost you 45 cents?



50 cent featuring Nickelback!

Man who has no sense of humor...

has a serious problem.

state humor

what did one state say to prove his credentials as a carpenter?

arkanSAW

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

Why don't tax accountants have a sense of humor?

Because jokes aren't deductible.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

[Dark Humor] Why can’t orphans go on field trips.

Because they need a parent signature.

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

My wife and I share the same sense of humor.

We have to because she doesn’t have one.

Ever wondered why "I hate my life" is millennial humor?

As a Zoomer, I'm here to say that the phrase actually applies to members of Gen Z as well.

The only difference is that for millennials, it's funny.

I'm serious.

Yknow what they say about a good dark humor joke

It hits harder than a drunk parent.

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

A lil southern humor

What do you call a crawfish in a hairpiece?

Crawfish etoupee

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My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

I love self derogratory humor

I never run out of jokes

What is a blind person's favorite type of humor?

Dark Humor.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

A little computer humor

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

Dark Humor

A kid asked his father “What is dark humor?” The Dad responds with “See that man in the wheel chair, tell him to stand up.” And the kid’s only response was “But dad I’m blind.”

A son once asked his dad what black humor is...

"Well" said the dad, "you see that person with no arms there?Tell him to shake hands"
"But dad i cant see i am blind!"
"I know Johnny,"

What type of humor is this joke?

A: “Take this book, candle, bell”
B: “What do I need these for?”
A: “You might need to exorcise some demons”.
B: “Well how do I do it?”
A: “Ring the bell, light the candle -“.
B: “-read the book?”
A: “Exorcising a demon is no time to be doing light reading”

I’m...

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.

Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who?

Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?

Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

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Dark humor

The craziest thing happen to me, the other day I was just chilling thinking in my head I decided I was gonna commit suicide, never gonna do that shit again because I almost died.

Why do iPhone have a great sense of humor?

Because they crack up easily.

My gf thinks I have a good sense of humor.

Until she found out this sub reddit.

A friend said my sense of humor was so dark...

that is was like a black hole. Not even a light pun could escape it.

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

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Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

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I told my editor, "I don't think toilet humor is funny."

She replied, "I agree. And, it's a shitty job, but someone has to do it. Now, get back to writing before you flush your career away."

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

My humor is so dry...

I'm legitimately worried about stray fireworks this weekend.

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

I have a very dark sense of humor

Its so dark that cops are beating it to death.

Why is it so hard to understand humor when you're in quarantine?

Because everything's an inside joke.

Jokes about Feminine Hygiene are the lowest form of humor

Period.

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

Looking for "A__is like a__, it__." For example: A dark sense of humor is like a make-a-wish child...

....It never grows old.

If you have one, please share. Joke, not make-a-wish child.

Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care.

So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies:

“Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”

What's the difference between black humor and morbid humor

Black humor is 10 babies in one trash can.
Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.


It's old joke, sorry if you heard it already.

My wife has NO sense of humor

I still thought "hi 'Drowning', I'm Dad!" was hilarious.

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

I make a lot of jokes about eyes...

...you could say I have vitreous humor.

What's the difference between juvenile humor and a dad joke?

A dad joke is full-groan.

What is a kidnapper’s favorite type of shoe?

White Vans

(courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

My style of humor is like Coronavirus

it kills among older crowds

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COVID-19 Humor

A suspected coronavirus patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse enters to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse repli...

I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor

I’ll post it soon

What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor

Dark humor is 10 kids in one container


Morbid humor is one kid in 10 containers

Dismemberment isn't humorous

unless you lose an arm

Turian Humor

How do you know when a Turian is out of ammo?

He switches to the stick up his ass, as a backup weapon.

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

My friend asked me to explain dark humor to them

I pointed at a guy sitting on a park bench and said "See that guy with no hands on the bench? Tell him to clap".

They replied "Austin, you know I'm blind", to which I replied "Exactly"

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

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Early Christmas morning little Johnny got

Onto his brand new bike and was riding around when a policeman on horseback comes up to him.

"My my son, did Santa Claus bring you that shiny new bike for Christmas this year?"

"Yep, he sure did!" Little Johnny excitedly said.

The officer pulls out his ticket book and says,
"...

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