UPJOKE
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German humor is like healthcare

Many Americans simply don't get it

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

Let’s hear some car humor. I’ll start:

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine’s pricks are on the outside.

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

Dark humor

A kid asks his mom, “Mommy what is dark humor?”

Mom replies: “You see that beggar over there with no arms? Ask him to clap”

Kid: “But….. Mom you know that I’m blind!!!”

Mom: “Exactly…..”

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

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Wife has a sense of humor!

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."

God Has a Sense of Humor

God told men they would find faithful and obedient wives in all the corners of the Earth. Then men discovered that the Earth is round, and God laughed and laughed.

Dark humor: Explained

Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.

"Dad what is Dark Humor"

- "See that guy with no hands right there? Go tell him
to grab the hair of that bald guy standing near the river."
- "But dad, I'm blind"
- "I know"

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

Yugo Humor

Guy walks into a parts store and says, "I'd like a new gas cap for my Yugo". Guy at the counter says, "OK, that sounds like a fair trade".

>Q: How do you make a Yugo go from 0 to 60 in five seconds?
>
>A: Push it off a cliff.
>
>Q: Why do Yugos have rear-win...

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

Sandbox Humor

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does ...

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In honor of National Humor Month, I have one.

People say Mules are much hardier than other Equines.

They really only do a half Ass job though.

Canadian Humor

A couple moves from Vancouver to Newfoundland. The wife has a wooden leg and needs it insured in her new location so they go to a local insurance agent who quotes them $39 (sorry I know it should be Canadian dollars). They are astounded as it cost almost 2,000 in Vancouver and inquires why so cheap ...

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Literary Humor.

I ordered a martini with an olive and a twist of lime.

The bartender served it with no olive or twist.

I gave him the Dickens.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

Microsoft humor

Boss: How good are you at Power Point?

Me: I Excel at it

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

Dark HUMOR

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

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Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

[Dark Humor]Why is suicide illegal?

Destruction of government property.

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

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Minnesota humor

My family and I used to go camping on the BWCA. The mosquitoes were pretty bad, but we took care of 'em.

We'd capture 'em and pull out the stingers.

And then we'd just use 'em as tent stakes.

Mid age humor..

The guest of a famous painter, who was also known for having ugly children, remarked, "The people in your paintings are much more beautiful than your children". To which the painter replied: “I make the pictures in the light, the children in the dark.

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

furniture humor

Why didn't they fix the rococo Chair?

Because it wasn't baroque

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Elder humor

Two 80 year old folks decided to married after their respective partners had died. Mostly for companionship, and social things.
That night after the wedding in bed, the husband starts to get frisky,...
She says "Be careful, I have acute angina", he says "Ya and your titties aren't bad either!"

I love German humor

It's no laughing matter.

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can.


Morbid humor is one baby in 10 trash cans.

What is dark humor?

Little Bobby asks his father one day: Hey dad, what is dark humor?

Dad: go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him .

Bobby: but dad I don't have any legs or arms .

Dad: Exactly son.

Why does gallows humor not always have a punchline?

Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging.

Dark humor!

My older relatives at wedding always used to say "you'll be next!" Although they stopped after I started saying to them at funerals.

Silly Dry Humor.

There were three brothers, Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot.

They were living their lives for years but someday Foot became gravely ill and died.After 1 month of mourning Footfoot said to Footfootfoot.

Brother it's been 1 month of mourning and crying over our brother's grave, I can't ta...

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How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

poop.

gangster humor

Did you hear about the really stupid gangster who gave testimony against a mob boss?
They had to put him in the witless protection program...

Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

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A Little Greek Humor

Nobody:


Polyphemus: Okay, first off that was a real dick move.

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

Dark humor

Why did people stare at the guy eating baby back ribs

Because he was at an abortion clinic

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Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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Irish Humor

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

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most of my humor is self-defecating.

....I mean self-deprecating.

There's not really much of a difference, either way you're still shitting on yourself.

My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.

She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.”

She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.”

Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…

My dog has no sense of humor

Every time I say “knock knock” he just starts barking.

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

My Humor is so dry....

It comes with a glass of water.

My friend finds shock humor very funny

At least I think so. Because he laughs every time I taze him

Ionic humor

Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly says, “I just lost an electron.”

The other is concerned. “Are you sure?”

“I‘m positive!”

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

Gen-X Humor

Why didn't Flock of Seagulls travel to Tehran?

Iran so far away.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

My wife and I share a sense of humor

We have to because she doesn't have one

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I hate potty humor

It's the butt of all jokes

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

German Humor: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

state humor

what did one state say to prove his credentials as a carpenter?

arkanSAW

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

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Bathroom Humor

So what do you call a Turd that's over 18 inches long and unbroken?

An accomplishit

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Self-depricating humor is the best kind of humor...

Except when I do it.

My sense of humor is so dark...

... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

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Dark humor

The craziest thing happen to me, the other day I was just chilling thinking in my head I decided I was gonna commit suicide, never gonna do that shit again because I almost died.

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

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Humor in the workplace

A guy who works in a deli goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc! I’ve become obsessed with sticking my penis in the pickle slicer at work.”

Quite concerned, the psychiatrist lists the many reasons it’s a bad idea.

The guy brings the subject up week after week. One week he comes in an...

Coding humor

99 silly bugs in the code,
99 silly bugs,
Pass one down,
Patch it around,
127 silly bugs in the code!

Grandfathers have the purest sense of humor.

My grandfather is close to 90 years old and has to take medication. One day, my aunt gave him his pills, and the cogs in his brain began to turn.

Grandpa after being given his medication: Tell everyone I'm on the pill.

Aunt:.....

Grandaunt: \*Howling with laughter when hearing t...

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If sex was humor

Call me Amy Schumer

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

A little computer humor

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

Military humor

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe....

I used to hate Nihilist humor...

but nothing is funny to me now.

People in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the Flintstones,

but I know people in Abu Dhabi do.

Only the best musical humor

Which concert will only cost you 45 cents?



50 cent featuring Nickelback!

It's okay if you don't like self-deprecating humor.

You don't have to be hard on yourself.


(I'm pretty sure I just wrote that joke today. Though, I am a firm believer that no thoughts are original.)

I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.

A little Irish humor

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot ...

Turian Humor

How do you know when a Turian is out of ammo?

He switches to the stick up his ass, as a backup weapon.

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

Dismemberment isn't humorous

unless you lose an arm

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

Jailhouse humor

A new inmate showed up at the state prison to start serving his fifty year sentence. After getting through the preliminaries with his cellmate, he settles in. After a bit, he hears a shout outside the cell, "Number twelve!", and everybody on the block laughed uproariously. A few minutes later, some ...

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Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

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I don't get scatological humor.

That shit isn't funny to me.

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COVID-19 Humor

A suspected coronavirus patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse enters to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse repli...

Internet humor is so selfish

It's all about meme meme meme

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