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Shady Jokes

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

A strange woman approached me in a shady bar.

She winked, and said "For $50, darling, I'll do stuff for you your wife would never do."

I gave her $50, got her to do the ironing.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

How do shady Egyptians make money?

Pyramid schemes.

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

What's the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

Why should you never trust trees?

They’re shady

What did the shady duck say to the other duck?

“Psst, you wanna buy some quack?”

What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down?

"Let's get the flock out of here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?

Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering

I've had a very shady past...

I've been working in the umbrella industry for over 20 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Serena Williams and a shady Five Guys?

One serves you tennis balls and the other serves you ten-ish balls

What do noodles call the shady part of town?

The Spaghetto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the asshole so shady?

Because it meets everyone in the back

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking, music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
“Did you come here to die?”
Australians respond:
“No, we came in yesterday “

The shady workers behind the mexican restaurant,

Thats nacho business.

What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school?

"Hi kids, do you like violins?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my date to a shady Chinese restaurant

As we were having dinner she asked me if I eat pussy and I said "based off the look of this place I think I am right now"

Chinese probes are still doing things on the dark side of the moon.

Seems pretty shady.

What marker is only sold in shady areas?

Mr. Sketch.

Why did the government seize Slim Shady's property?

It was emineminent domain.

What do you call a suspicious Arab rapper?

Salim Shady

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I've clicked on every shady ad that I've seen for the past 12 years.

My penis is now 648 feet long.

How do you qualify a slim and seemingly shady argument?

It’s an ad eminem.

A guy walks into a shady bar on 'ladies night',

He goes over to a group of questionable women and proclaims, "DAMN, I must be in the Matrix!"

One of the more questionable women responds, "What makes you say that?"

The guy replies, "Because all I see are 1's and 0's!"

Eminem converted to Islam

Muslim shady

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My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

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Sightseeing with a Camel

Two guys from some indeterminate country come to NYC to sightsee. They find that there are no rental cars available. A fairly shady guy offers to rent them a camel to see the sights. Needless to say they were suspicious.

They guy says " The camel knows all the things you'd want to see. Just...

Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance

Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.

One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...

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Voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm...

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A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up...

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

It's so hot outside that I almost called my ex.

So I could be around something shady.

What do you call a fish who raps?

A. Swim Shady

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

I saw a guy wearing glasses indoors.

He looked a little shady.

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

My list of jokes

I told my sister not to stand near the trees in our back yard. I don’t know what it is they just seem shady.

How do you have a party in space, you planet.

Why can’t Ewoks shout in the house. They have to use their Endor voices.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon. Because she’ll ...

Why shouldn’t you go near big trees?

They’re really shady.

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

My new sunglasses are making me paranoid

Everyone suddenly seems shady

A Dog's Story

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s y...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.

An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some r...

My son asked me to take him on a picnic.

I told him, "I really don't like eating under those trees"

"But why, dad?"

"They just seem kinda shady."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a sad look on his face. The bartender asks "What's the matter, buddy?"

"I just got fired from my job. I don't know what I'm going to tell my wife and I've got two kids to look after."

"Look, I tend to keep this to myself, but over in that closet there is a g...

U know why trees are suspicious when it’s a sunny day?

It’s bcuz they are a little shady

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between raping and rapping?

One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is sex without consent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer goes to prison

A shady lawyer get sentenced to a prison term after his actions are revealed. When he gets put on his cell, he sees that his cell mate is a massive 300 lb southerner. He says hello.

"You gonna be the husband, or you gonna be the wife?" His cell mate asks.

"Umm, no thank you," respond...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

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A millionaire and his wife

A millionaire and his wife lead a lavish lifestyle, until one day the guy lost everything in a shady investment. That night he went home and explained their diminished financial status to his wife.

"Since we need to start saving, you should learn to cook so we can let go of our personal chef...

I can’t take my shadow anywhere nice

He always looks really shady

A man who wants to sell his car walks into a bar

He meets a shady car salesman and the man asks him for help selling his car. He explained that he wants to sell his car but the mileage is too high.

“How high is the mileage?” The salesman asked, the man replied with “135,000 miles.” The salesman thinks for a minute, then replies with “If you...

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

Why did the gangster stand under the tree?

Because it was shady.


(credit goes to my 11-y-o for this 100% original joke.)

What do you call a prom in the red light district?

A Shady Hawkins Dance

I used to work in a parasol company and I've gotta tell you,

it was some shady business.

A string walks into a bar..

The string takes a seat at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve to strings in this bar, you'll have to see yourself out."
The string, feeling dejected, walks out and stumbles upon two rugged strings in an alley. The shady looking thugs stop the st...

Three reasons to stand up:

1) To get the remote.

2) To go to the bathroom.

3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?

♪ *Shady's back* ♪

It doesn’t matter if you’re white or black.

We are all pretty shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

I like my girls like I like my coffee...

Fresh, not matured, and sold from a shady part of South America.

Sunglasses manufacturers and Hitmen have something in common.

They are both into shady business

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

What would happen if Eminem lost weight and started doing questionable things?

He'd be the real Slim Shady.

Trust no one. Not even your own shadow.

Mine’s been acting shady.

I always get burnt during summer time.

I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy enters the bar and orders a small whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

Cowboy drinks it and orders a double whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

The cowboy is speechless, if one dollar, then be it so.

In some time, he orders again: "Let's stop the dripping, giv...

What kind of people should you stay away from?

Trees. They're quite shady.

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