My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I’m mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, “hey are you alright? What’s with al...

Why are people on higher floors funnier?

They have a type of elevated humor

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

Scarier than funnier, but a good laugh never hurts.

-Did you hear they opened up a George Orwell memorial in the states?

-Oh really!? Where?

-Well...pretty much everywhere.

What are funnier mountain ranges or forest?

Mountain ranges, they're hill areas.

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
...

No running in heaven

So a man died and went to heaven. When he got to the gates Saint Peter was waiting for him.
He told him :
You were a very good person in your lifetime so as a price you can go to the farm next to the gate and pick any car you want so you can drive inside heaven.

The man goes and starts ...

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Small dick jokes are always funnier than big dick jokes.

because they’re more relatable :(

Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever.

Not.

You know what's funnier than 24?

Twenny fiiiiiiivvvveee

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Nothing is funnier than watching newscasters try to avoid saying sh*t hole

By saying as*hole

What gets funnier the more you read it?

Reposts /s

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My dad just told me this one, he is one of the funnier people I know

One day, a little boy was walking to the store with his mother and saw a man with bowed legs. He exclaimed "Mom! Look! That guy has bowed legs!" His mom promptly slaps him and says "Don't say that, it's rude."


A few days later the boy and his mom are out again. The boy sees another bow-le...

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one of the funnier ones I've heard lately.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The li...

Why does the ocean look blue?

Because the fishes go blu-blu-blu

This is way funnier when said out loud but it works!

It's Halloween! Barack Obama walks into a bar while giving the former first lady a piggyback ride.

The bartender is struck in awe the Obama's came into his bar, and is speechless. Barack says "Happy Halloween! I'm a hermit crab...and this is Michelle."


(A variation of the classic snail joke. Saying he is a hermit crab just seems a bit funnier to me.)

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

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I told this joke a bunch in elementary and it made me seem way funnier than I was, it's so good

Heaven was getting all cluttered so God put a new rule in place. On top of being a good person, you have to have a better death story than the last guy who got through to heaven.

First guy comes in, and the angel bouncer guy asks him about the events leading up to his death.

The guy s...

I have two optometry jokes

but I am not sure which one is funnier

one or two

one or two

one or two

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Story of the joke funnier than the joke.

I used to work with this crazy Vietnamese jeweler who was always asking to tell him jokes. One day I remembered one I saw in Playboy many years ago...

A guy is driving home from work and realizes that when fooling around with his secretary, she had given him a hickey on his neck. His mind sta...

A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing

On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.

The first brunette only made it to the first stair.

The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.

The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99t...

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

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I've always thought this was funnier due to the fact that I first heard it from my mother.

There's an old woman and she decides that she wants to join a motorcycle gang. So she goes to the bar where the gang hangs out and finds the leader of the gang.
"I want to join your gang," she says to him.
He looks at her skeptically. "Do you even ride motorcycles?" he asks.
"Of course I ...

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

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Why peas and pussy hair are kinda the same?

Because no matter how you try to put them aside, you always end up getting some on your mouth



(Sounds funnier on Spanish)

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

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