A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and acciden...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

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My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

Forehead wrinkles.

They're making headlines.

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

A husband gets home, drunk, and with a cut on his forehead.

The wife, drunk herself, asks "how did you get that cut?"

The husband replies "I bit myself"

She goes, "How the hell are you going to bite yourself up there, you are barely 5 feet tall"

To which the husband replies "I got on my tiptoes"

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay and his forehead?

About 10 years

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

So my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to get an inspirational tattoo on his forehead...

Boy, was his face read.

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What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead?

Finding out that they traced it....

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A man wakes up to find a big red dot in the middle of his forehead...

and he goes to the doctor to get it checked out.

The doctor said "Oh yes, I've seen this before. You're going grow a penis where that dot is, right in the middle of your forehead."

The man was dumbfounded. "You mean I'm going to have to wake up every day, look in the mirror, and see ...

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A man and his wife were sharing their very first wedding anniversary... (NSFW)

The wife says "Honey, I'll do anything you want for you tonight"

Husband replies "Nice! How about a 69er!"

"I can't, I'm on my period!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

"Well" she says, "if you don't care then I certainly don't, let's do it."

So they are going at it for a bi...

A man walks into a pub, sits down, asks for a beer, wipes his sweaty forehead, and says, "T.G.I.F.!"

The woman at the other end of the bar smiles at him, shakes her head, and replies, "S.P.I.T."

The man's puzzled, so he makes eye contact with her, and very clearly enunciates "T.G.I.F." The woman equally clearly enunciates "S.P.I.T."

"Lady, what the hell's that supposed to mean? I don...

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Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead.

He says to the doctor, "I got this red lump. What do you think?"
The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted.
"Bob this is incredible..."
"What is it?! Am I going to be okay?"
"It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazin...

I met a man with a nose on his forehead the other day...

He said it gave him a heightened sense of smell.

A man with a frog growing on his forehead visits the doctor.

A man with a frog growing out of his forehead visits the doctor. Doctor stares at him. "My God. I've never seen anything like it. How did that start?"
The frog replies: "Well actually it just started with a small boil in my ass".

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

The Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.

The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth w...

Karl had the worst headache ever.

After he slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, he found that his wife had already left the bedroom. He was lying on the floor for some reason and had a raging headache and a big bump on his forehead. That probably meant he was getting screamed at, when he got downstairs.

He tried to go to th...

My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead

She said she was trying to make-up her mind

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Head larger than the shaft

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

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A father has three daughters, Petal, Butterfly and Breezeblock...

...one day, Petal skips over to her Dad and asks,"Daddy, why am I called Petal?" He lifts her onto his lap, and explains, "Well darling, when you were born, and as I held you in my arms, a petal floated down gently onto your forehead, so we decided to name you Petal."

Butterfly overhears this...

A priest, a rabbi and a redditor walks into a bar

"Oww!" all 3 exclaimed rubbing their foreheads as the bar for r/jokes was too low.

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

Me: "Here comes the airplane!"

Baby: *Opens mouth*

Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!"

*Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.*

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

A communist and a capitalist both walk into a bar...

Both now have bumps on their foreheads

A Guy & His Wife Go Golfing...

A guy and his wife go golfing. They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in. So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green o...

Heres one my father likes to tell

A patient is being looked over by his doctor regarding a strange series of pains.



Patient: "...this pain just doesnt make any sense doc...."
Doctor: " hm.. well why dont you go ahead and point to where it hurts."
Patient: "Well thats the thing- look!"

the patient puts...

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

What are you, if you're in milk up to here?

\[holds hand to show level above forehead\]



**You're past-your-eyes (pasteurized**)!

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

A drunkard walking down the street

The poor fellow hits his head on every street light there is to hit on the sidewalk. A policeman doing his beat sees the man hitting another post exceptionally hard and fall to the ground. He walks to the man, helps him to his feet and asks:

- Sir, are you okay? Do you need any assistance?...

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An old redneck goes to the doctor

He's been feeling unwell since a while, and moonshine doesn't help.
The doc examines him, then gives him a prescription for suppositories.
"Have 3 of those a day, and come back next week to see how it goes! " he says.
A week later, the old redneck comes back and complains he feels eve...

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot.

He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him ...

Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

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A girl wants to go see a movie with her friends, but she doesn't have a ride.

So she goes to her dad and asks to borrow the car for the night. He says, "Sure, you can borrow the car, buy first you have to give me a blowjob." She whines and cries, but he doesn't budge.

Eventually, she relents and agrees to the task. She gives his dick an initial lick and says, "Ew! Dad...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

There were 3 brothers...

... Their names were: Snowflake, Raindrop and Brick. One day Snowflake asked:
— Mom, why is my name Snowflake?-
— Because when we were going out of the hospital were you were born a snowflake fell on your forehead-

The next day Raindrop asked the same thing:
— Why my name is Raindrop...

Ben Shapiro was loyal to Steam

All his friends, family, and co-workers knew that Ben would defend Steam in any argument, claiming it to be the superior game launcher, and the only one people should use. His loyalty was unmoving, and even gained him some branding deals with Valve.



One day while Ben was on his comput...

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck.

After putting up with nagging injuries for a couple of weeks, he decided to take the driver to court. During the trial, the driver's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe sharply, "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well I'll tell you what happened at the ac...

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

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Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

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My family was coming over for dinner.

So I went to get a chicken out of the freezer when my husband walked up and scared me i turned and knocked him out with a chicken to the forehead.
.
.
.
I guess you could say he got cold-cocked

A man walks into a bar,

He walks away mostly unharmed except for a medium sized bruise on his forehead.

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

Thorbeaux and Dreaux

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and...

I finally got the attention of my crush

But... I’m not sure if I still want that date...

Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!

I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my f...

Okay, so uh... This happened yesterday.

So I went to a pet store with a friend (he has a snake) and he just went to the cashier(we both know her-- her name is Hunnmi and she's this sweet Asian lady. We call her Hun for short.) and asked "Hey there you got any bunnies? I wanna feed 'em to my pet snake"
The cashier looked shocked and as...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

So there’s this rich dying vampire who tells his three sons that he’ll give one one of them his fortune.

The three of them decide to have a blood sucking contest to decide who gets the fortune.

On the first night, the oldest brother goes out. He comes back with blood dripping down his chin. His brothers ask him how he did it and he points to a dead man. “See that guy over there? I drank all of h...

Here's an oldie but a goldie. Worth the read!

Two men were going on a lengthy trip on horseback. Every night they would stay in an inn and set out the next morning. After the first night however, they couldn't tell who's horse was who's. They debated for almost 10 minutes when one guy said, "OH! I remember. I shaved my horse's tail. See, this o...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

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A man goes to confession to tell the priest he used a terrible word.

The priest asks him what happened.

The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.

The priest asks, “is that when you said the bad word,” and the man says , “no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand tr...

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I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she’ll be back in a couple of hours.

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and has a seat.

The bartender asks, "What're ya having?" but before the man can answer, the monkey jumps on the bar and scatters food and drinks everywhere before hopping over to the pool table and swallowing a cue ball whole.

"Sorry man, he hasn't ...

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

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A man goes to his doctor

And asks him about a spot on his forehead. The doctor looks shocked and says: “I’m sorry to tell you this but in a week that spot will be a full grown penis.” The patient asks him to remove it. The doctor says “it’s attached to your brain. If I remove it you’ll die!” The patient says “so you’re tel...

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A rear-engine car argued with a Tank.

-What kind if an idiot has their heart in their ass?

The rear-engine car replied:

-At least i don't have a Dick on my forehead.

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A man was crossing the countryside in his car.

He had already been on the road for some time and he had a good way still to go when his motor hiccuped and died, and refused to start again.

The man popped the hood open and spent a few moments just cursing about the situation and trying to fix the engine, but he was no mechanic, so it seeme...

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An Old GF of Mine

I used to date a girl a while back who was a huge fan of St. Louis. Unfortunately, she was also dyslexic. When the Rams came to town, I picked her up to go to the game and she had "ORGASM!" painted across her forehead.

A mother was sitting with her three children, when one had a question.

A mother was sitting with her 2 girls and 1 boy. The first girl turns to her mother, and asks, with a soft, sweet voice and a smile, "Mom, why is my name violet?".

Her mother answers, "Well, dear when I was in hospital with you your father brought me a bouquet of violets, and when I was tryin...

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An old man stands in the middle of a snowstorm...

...the man was standing there for a little under ten minutes, and the snow is up to his ankles. A dog sled passes by him.

"Need a lift?" Asks the sled driver?

"No." The old man replies. "God will save me."

"If you say so." The driver mushes on.

After hour, the snow is no...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun.

He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money.
The lady behind the counter says "sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."

"Oh yeah??!" says the robber...
"Why don't you take a vial and chug it the...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

A father and his three young daughters sat down to have dinner.

A few minutes into the meal, the oldest daughter looked up and asked the father, "Dad, why was I named Rose?"

"Because when you were born, a rose drifted down out of nowhere and landed on your forehead," he answered.

Intrigued, the middle daughter then asked, "Then why was I named Lily...

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A guy enters the Doctor's office

With a frog on his forehead.

The doctor looks at the guy amazed and says:
"What happened to you?"

The frog looks at the doctor worried and says:
"I have no clue doctor, I woke up this morning and this guy was stuck to my butt"

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Back and Forth In and Out Yeah Baby!!!

right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her

forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of

her back . . . she was getting near the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife

moved . . . forward...

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

my wife had a tantrum while we was playing scramble,

She threw a G at me,

then a N

followed by a B

and lastly the A hit me in the forehead.

I thought to my self thats bang out of order.

A new monk arrived at the monastery.

He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued ...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

"Why did you name me Lily?"

"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?" Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing.
On that same day, Lily's sist...

A Belgian supporter walks into a bar in France.

"Ouch" he says, while rubbing his forehead.

He then proceeds to walk to the nearest pub for a refreshment where he calls over the barman and orders a regular coke with ice.

The barman looks up and replies: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of regular coke, but if you'd like I have one zer...

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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

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