UPJOKE
eyebrowbrowfaceheadnoseskullcraniumfeaturecheekskinscalpchineyetoehairline

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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A man wakes up one morning and when goes to the bathroom, he looks in the mirror and sees a red dot on his forehead.

Over the next several days the dot grows progressively larger, so he goes to see his doctor.
The doctor examines him and exclaims, “My God, I’ve read about this but never thought I’d see it!”

Not liking the sound of this, the man asks, “what is it doctor? What’s wrong with me?”
...

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

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He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

When I was younger, I jammed a scrabble tile into my nerf gun and shot my brother at close range in the forehead, killing him instantly.

I didn't mean to kill him though, I thought it was a blank.

I bought my wife a mood ring.

When she's happy it turns blue.

When she's not happy it leaves a red mark on my forehead.

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

A girl runs up to her mother.

"Mummy, why am I named Feather?"
"Because when you were newborn a feather came falling from the sky and landed on your forehead."

Next day the little brother comes running.

"Mummy, why am I named Leaf?"
"Because when you were newborn a leaf came falling from the sky and lande...

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

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A kiss on the forehead might make her day

But anal will make her hole weak

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A joke my 9 year old made up: How do you get poop on your sister's forehead?

With dad's toothbrush

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

Eric is stranded on an island...

Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.

"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

A foreigner asked an Indian man

"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"

Indian man replied,
"Because they Record everything.."

Yo mama’s forehead so big....

...the UN passed a bill declaring it a sovereign state.

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

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My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

The pimple on my forehead is enormous.

It practically has its own zit code.

John came to school with a scar on his forehead

Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

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(NSFW) What do you call it when someone cuts off their penis and sticks it to their forehead?

A eunuch-horn.

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Newlyweds were 69ing like crazy

When the door bell rang. The husband jumped up, not expecting company. He looks out the window and says, "shit, it's the mailman." His wife (who's on their period) just looks at him. He stares at her and says "look at my face, I can't go down there." She calmly replies, "just tell him you had a...

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

Doctor to patient with gash on forehead: "What was the last thing you heard before the helicopter rotor hit you?"

"Someone shouting 'Duck, duck go!'"

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What's worse then passing out at a party and getting a penis drawn on your forehead?

Finding out that they traced it....

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A man goes to the doctor with a strange growth on his forehead

After a thorough examination, the doctor informs him that a penis is growing from his forehead.

Enraged, the man states, “you’re telling me I’ll have to look at this thing dangling in front of my face forever?”

To which the doctor replied, “oh no, once the balls come in you won’t see ...

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

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A guy develops a dark spot on his forehead.

He goes to the doctor. The doctor looks and says:
“I’ve read about this before. In a month you’ll have a full sized penis growing out of your forehead.”
The man’s eyes go wide and he says:
“Well then operate! Get rid of it!”
The doctor shakes his head. “It’s connected to your brain. If I...

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TIL: Daniel Boone wore coon hats because he was born with an ear-shaped growth on his forehead

And that’s why people talk about the Wild Front Ear

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

My buddy wears a watch round his forehead

You could say he is ahead of his time

A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and acciden...

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

A husband gets home, drunk, and with a cut on his forehead.

The wife, drunk herself, asks "how did you get that cut?"

The husband replies "I bit myself"

She goes, "How the hell are you going to bite yourself up there, you are barely 5 feet tall"

To which the husband replies "I got on my tiptoes"

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

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Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead.

He says to the doctor, "I got this red lump. What do you think?"
The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted.
"Bob this is incredible..."
"What is it?! Am I going to be okay?"
"It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazin...

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someo...

I met a man with a nose on his forehead the other day...

He said it gave him a heightened sense of smell.

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

A man walks into a pub, sits down, asks for a beer, wipes his sweaty forehead, and says, "T.G.I.F.!"

The woman at the other end of the bar smiles at him, shakes her head, and replies, "S.P.I.T."

The man's puzzled, so he makes eye contact with her, and very clearly enunciates "T.G.I.F." The woman equally clearly enunciates "S.P.I.T."

"Lady, what the hell's that supposed to mean? I don...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

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A man wakes up to find a big red dot in the middle of his forehead...

and he goes to the doctor to get it checked out.

The doctor said "Oh yes, I've seen this before. You're going grow a penis where that dot is, right in the middle of your forehead."

The man was dumbfounded. "You mean I'm going to have to wake up every day, look in the mirror, and see ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel stuck to his forehead and orders a drink...

The bartender passes the drink and says "So what's up with the paper towel?"

The pirate replies "Yaaaar! There be a Bounty on me head!"

So my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to get an inspirational tattoo on his forehead...

Boy, was his face read.

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

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The old folks home decided to put on a little mixer for the residents.

The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing.

After a while, Harold and Lillian began slow dancing. Harold whispered in her ear that he’d like her to come back to his place for some sex. She agrees and off they go.

After an enthusiastic toss in the h...

A man with a frog growing on his forehead visits the doctor.

A man with a frog growing out of his forehead visits the doctor. Doctor stares at him. "My God. I've never seen anything like it. How did that start?"
The frog replies: "Well actually it just started with a small boil in my ass".

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

My friend was putting lipstick on her forehead

She said she was trying to make-up her mind

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Money or Life

A gangster held a pistol to a blonde's forehead and asked, 'Give me a million dollars or your life?'

She answered calmly, 'I'd prefer to die as I want to keep a million dollars for my old age.'

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Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

When I was 10, I fell down during recess at school

When I got up, I noticed Ihad a rock embedded in my knee and my friend was pointing & laughing at me. So I dug the rock out and whipped it at him- hitting him right in the forehead.

That was the only time I ever passed a kid knee stone.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

Why are there so many Italian guys named “Tony”?

Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with “To: NY”

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

Preparation

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he ...

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

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A Great Birthday Idea

A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.

He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.

"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisse...

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A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

Mood 𝑺𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈

Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns ...

I was tailgating this guy down the street when he stopped his car and got out.

I gulped as the muscular specimen strode over to my driver's window and said, "Problem, sir?"

I said, "Uh... sure." Scratching my forehead. "What is 120 subtract 42?"

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

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A man goes to the doctor

"Doctor, can you transplant my penis to my forehead please?"

Doctor: "No, that would be a dick move."

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

“To make the horse go, you gotta yell, Thank God! And to make it stop, yell, Hallelujah," explains the pastor.

The cowboy thanks him and rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff.

Quickly he yells to the h...

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

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Couple doing 69 NSFW

A married couple are doing 69 when they hear a knock on the door. The husband looks outside and sees it's only the paperboy and returns to the bed. The paperboy knocks again. The husband gets pissed off and puts on his robe. Before he leaves the room his wife notices that she has started her period ...

Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the ch...

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

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