This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital

A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek

don't ever put super glue in your mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally glued my girlfriend's butt cheeks together.

She hasn't talked to me in three days , but I can feel the shitstorm coming. ..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butt cheeks split up?

Too much crap between them

A woman looks out her window at her neighbor leaving for work, who puts a kiss on his wife's cheek.

So, as her husband is leaving, she points to the husband kissing his wife, and says, "Why don't you do that?" He says, "Why? I barely know her!"

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did God give us four cheeks?

He made an arse of the first two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

When you swim in the creek and something bites your cheek

That's a moray!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper gets butt implants

A stripper gets butt implants, but the operation goes wrong, causing her too lose one ass cheek.

So now she can only do her job half-assed.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?

Or do you have to spread them apart?

Some men do remember aniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spin on a joke I posted here a while back.

OG JOKE:


My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical deity approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to make a joke about eating ass...

Butt it was a little too tongue-in-cheek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband : I don't believe after all that shit they're still together.

Wife : Who?

Husband : My ass cheeks lmao!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After all that shit I'm surprised they are back together

Friend: who

Me: my ass cheeks

I know it's a shit post

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to think of a pun about ass eating

but I couldn't think of anything tongue'n cheek

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

“Well, why are you crying?” - Fairy asked.

"Because everything is oooov... is oooov.... is over!"

Cinderella wept so violently that she could barely speak. And, even more so, to listen. Fairy decided to wait. Let the goddaughter calm down a bit.

A few minutes later, Cinderella blew her nose in the apron and said almost calmly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tequila Bets

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well.., you pay $10, and if you p...

An old friend of the Abbott of a Benedictine monastery visits him and is invited to stay for an evening meal.

The monks eat in silence until one monk stands up and says, "16".

The other monks all laugh heartily and then go back to eating their meal in silence.

A few minutes later another monk stands up and says "32", at which point all the monks collapse into gales of laughter. The Abbott lau...

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stormy Seas Ahead

Officer Lanvin was saying his goodbyes to his family because his vessel, the HMCS Beauregard was taking to the ocean for a 6 month long mission.

Through teary eyes, he waved to his family, uncertain about the future, wanting to cherish the view of them waving to him because it would be so lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men meet every morning on a park bench after religious services.

One day one of the old men shows up with a black eye.

The other guy says “What happened”

He says “ I was at mass, and a beautiful young woman was in the pew in front of me. About halfway through, I noticed her short skirt had gotten wedged in between her ass cheeks. After a while, I c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 6 year old and I were at the store and he saw a woman with large breasts and he yelled “Dad, look at those big boobies!!” I whispered to him, “It’s not polite to say boobies, it might embarrass her”.

He thought for a minute and yelled “Dad, look at those chest cheeks!!”

(True story, that’s my boy)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young, attractive lady comes back from a house party.

Let's call her Jessica. Unfortunately, Jessica's face is now well wept. Her mother catches her with cum on her face, and begins to sob hysterically: "After I did everything to raise you as a good catholic girl, what the hell i this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through after your father lef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a brothel.

A guy wants to go to a brothel. He arrives at the door and asks the guard :

"I want to check the services that this brothel offers"

"Sure man, the office is on the first door on the right"

The guard opens the door and guides him to the office.

The man behind the counter...

As a child I hated going to weddings.

All the old aunts would grab my cheek and whisper in a conspiring voice "You're next."

They only stopped saying it when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Can you believe that after all of that crap they’re back together?

Me: Who?

Son: My butt cheeks!

Two Native men, one old and one young were walking down a railroad track

The old man places his head on the track, and comes back up a moment later. "Train come," he says. Sure enough, a few moments later a train comes by.

"Now you try," he says. So the young man places his head on the track, looks puzzled, and comes back up.

"Buffalo come". The old man, of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

So Pavlov goes to dinner

He’s with a nice gal, and they’re getting to know each other very well. She reaches over and kisses his cheek, right as the dinner bell rings. He stands up fast as hell and nearly knocks the poor woman over.
“What the hell is your problem psycho!?”
“I forgot to feed my dogs!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Judge tells Taylor Swift to turn the other cheek

It didn't sit well with her.

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheek of my doctor. I went in for a check up and he said I'll never have kids. I said "why? am I infertile doctor?"

He said "no your a fat cunt."

Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.

The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.

"See that pole over there?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."

The second vampire has blood all ove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.