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A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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I was born with a rare condition ,, I only had one bum cheek . Anyway i recently had an operation to correct the problem. I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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What did the right butt cheek say to the left butt cheek?

“If we stick together we can stop this shit.”

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

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My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

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My girlfriend won't let me spank her butt during foreplay, so I glued her butt cheeks together...

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

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Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

A kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

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Why did the stripper get a large "W" tattooed on each 'cheek'?

Every time she does a somersault, it says: "WOW, MOM, WOW!"

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

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is butt-cheeks one word?

Or are you supposed to spread them apart?

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Little Johnny....

Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.

Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.

"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inq...

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

Stalin is visiting a Young Pioneer camp.

He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"

"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.

"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"

"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"

"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"

"My father is the ...

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

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So the one butt cheek says to the other,

"Between you and me, something doesn't smell right."

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

What's the difference between an Accountant and a Proctologist?

One stares at spreadsheets and the other stares at spread cheeks.

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

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I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

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I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

A cowboy was asked by his town to find buffalo to hunt before winter.

So he hired a local Indian to help him find the nearest herd. After several days of riding, the quiet old Indian suddenly stopped, jumped down from his mount, and put one ear to the ground. “Here,” he said. “Buffalo come.” The cowboy asked, “How do you know?” The Indian wiped his cheek and replied, ...

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Antonio dreamt of meeting the Pope

He put on his best Armani suit to attend mass at the Vatican. In the row of pews in front of him, Antonio noticed a bum in dirty, raggedy clothes. During the processional the Pope came up the aisle acknowledging and reaching out to people along the way. Sure enough the Pope headed toward Antonio. He...

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

When passing wind, farting if you will, in a sitting position, are you left cheek dominate or right cheek dominate?

In otherwords, which way do you lean?

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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Finally got my first tattoo. A “P” on my left ass cheek and a “P” on the right

It really pops when I bend over

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

Two Bigfoot's Are Walking Around the Woods

One Bigfoot looks just like you know him. Second Bigfoot also has a big fat rear-end, cheeks swinging and bouncing.

Second Bigfoot says: "It was bad enough when they just called me Bigfoot."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

No rooms available in the city

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

\- “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

\- “Well, I do have a double room wi...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

When you swim in the creek and an eel bites your cheek

that's a moray!

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

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Did you hear about the guy who lost his right butt cheek, right testicle, and his right hand?

He's not doing all right.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

A woman looks out her window at her neighbor leaving for work, who puts a kiss on his wife's cheek.

So, as her husband is leaving, she points to the husband kissing his wife, and says, "Why don't you do that?" He says, "Why? I barely know her!"

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Two prawns...

..Justin and Kristian were swimming around in the ocean, continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being ea...

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While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

A Nun was performing standup for the first time...

A Nun was performing standup for the first time and hadn't really settled on a set. Deciding to put her faith in God she simply asked the crowd what kind of humour they might like to hear from a Nun. A big man stands up, aims the overhead lamp in his face, and growls "I want to hear puns from the Nu...

My dating coach told me I should suck in my cheeks to look more attractive.

It didn’t work and ended up giving me a wedgie.

A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital

A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

Can you believe that my neighbour came to my door at 3.30am? What a cheek!

I'm surprised I heard him over my drill.

Blonde, Nun, Russian and Pole in Train

Suddenly they enter the tunnel. It is getting dark. A loud sound is heard in the darkness. At the exit, a Russian man can be seen holding his cheek. The nun thinks - the pervert touched the blonde and got slapped. The blonde thinks - the pervert was supposed to touch me, but he made a mistake, touch...

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

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Did you hear about the guy who smacked Dwayne Johnson on his butt cheeks?

He hit Rock bottom

Food enters from a pair of cheeks

Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

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What’s the difference between a nose and an anus?

Nothing, they both smell and you wipe them between the cheeks when they get runny.

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100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

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I recently got a new tattoo on my ass cheeks

It’s a squirrel reaching under to grab my nuts

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

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So there's this guy who drives with his ass cheeks.

Obviously if you drive with your ass, you're gonna get into an accident sooner or later, right? Well one fateful day, he did, and in the process, he fucked up the other guy's car so bad it couldn't be fixed. When he gets out of his car, he says,

"Oh no! I rectum!"

What do Will and Jada Smith have in common?

They both slap the cheeks of other men.

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

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I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

i kiss my niece on her cheek

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

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