When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What DiD the butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

together we can stop this shit

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

100% of people surveyed say they prefer their right butt cheek.

I guess that means the other one is always left behind.

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

If you slap a christian girl on the ass...

Would she turn the other cheek?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swalla...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheek of my doctor. I went in for a check up and he said I'll never have kids. I said "why? am I infertile doctor?"

He said "no your a fat cunt."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My left butt cheek was hurting pretty bad earlier, so I asked my girlfriend to massage it for me. I told her...

that I didn't want it half-assed.

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

i kiss my niece on her cheek

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did God make four cheeks on the human body?

He made an ass of the first two.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friends and family are like butt cheeks...

Shit seperates them but, they always come back together in the end.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two butt cheeks are having an argument

and the left cheek says something really offensive to the right. As the right cheek looks away from his (once) friend in sadness, Lefty realizes what he's done, and attempts to make amends.

"We should stick together. We can't let all this crap come between us!"

What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....

Keep going! She has flu symptoms!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You and I are like ass cheeks...

we're still together after all the shit that's gone between us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is an accountant’s sex tape called?

Excel SpreadCheeks

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

How does Thanos make a snapping noise with the infinity gaunlet?

When he snaps his cheeks clap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to sp...

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a pict...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on ...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :

​

>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.

​

The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds l...

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, ...

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts o...

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

Ahhhh, old romance . . .

Janet was lying in bed one night.  Art was falling asleep, but Janet was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she sai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My lifelong friend had never been kissed..

My lifelong friend and I were hiking around some hills and cliff-sides when she suddenly stopped and turned to the edge of the cliff. I asked her,

“Hey, what’s on your mind?”

She replied,

“I’ve never been kissed in my life and it’s suddenly hit me”

So naturally being a go...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man exclaimed to his drinking buddy, "I have seen the private parts of all the attractive ladies in this bar!"

His buddy then asked in disbelief, "Really? How about that blonde lady, what can you say about hers?"

​

The man said, "Her left butt cheek has a birth mark shaped like the map of Italy. If you don't believe me, try peeping on her when she'll use the restroom."

&#x...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win...

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship ...

Two friends meet in a bar to drink to their friendship.

First friend is already at the bar and bought some whiskeys when his friend enters.

He notices has the second friend has a black eye and a blue cheek, so he passes him a whiskey and asks :


- What's happening to you ?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns home from a doctors visit..

He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,

"I've got 12 hours to live.."

​

The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,

"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"

​

The husband looks ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man is eating a $10 hooker's ass...

He's spreading her cheeks and eating her ass and sees something jump between the asscheeks:

Surprised, he says: "Hey! Hey! Are those crabs?"
And the hoe says "Well for ten bucks you really thought you'd get lobster?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood

(the African jungle, in fact) and was surprised to hear a strange noise coming from a nearby clearing. Peeping out from between the trees, he saw a female elephant weeping in distress, so he swaggered up to her and said "It's okay, chill, I'm not gonna hurt you."

And the elephant looked dow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grab...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Twins

I told my friend that I have been fucking a couple of twins lately and the sex is AMAZING.

He was curious and asked " How do you tell them apart?"

"It's easy! Anna has a mole on her left butt cheek and Robert has a 9" cock."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a beach one day

After parking his car he notices a woman in a wheelchair crying. There are several steps leading down to the beach and she is at the top.

​

"Excuse me miss, i can't help but notice you crying is there anything i can do to help?"

​

She looks up, "Wel...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

A young Scottish lad and lassie

were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out at the Loch.

They sat in silence for several minutes before the girl looked at the boy.

“A penny for your thoughts, Angus,” she said.

“Well, I was thinking. Perhaps it’s about time for a wee kiss,” he replied.
...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a local college dance,

a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I opened my eyes sitting in a very dark room

I could only distinguish a vague shadow in front of me. I tried standing up, only to realise that I had been tied to the cheap metal chair. I grunted and tried to remember how I had gotten here. Last night I walked out of the club, a bit tipsy, and suddenly all went black. Ugh, I don’t know what hap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four people in the carriage of a train

...an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark ...

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man genuinely thought I was offering him a blowjob when I mimed the act to him.

But it was just tongue in cheek.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

So there’s this rich dying vampire who tells his three sons that he’ll give one one of them his fortune.

The three of them decide to have a blood sucking contest to decide who gets the fortune.

On the first night, the oldest brother goes out. He comes back with blood dripping down his chin. His brothers ask him how he did it and he points to a dead man. “See that guy over there? I drank all of h...