A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

John: Carl, why do you have a bandage on your ear?

Carl: I was ironing my shirts and my phone rang. I picked up the iron instead of the the phone and burned my ear.

John: I get that. But why do you have a bandage on the other ear?

Carl: Well, the phone rang again.

So a kid comes into class with bandages on his head and using crutches

Everyone obviously gasps at him. The teacher then asks "Oh my god Frederick! How did this happen to you?". Frederick then takes a seat and just says "Guess" to the teacher. She thinks it over and right as she's about to announce her answer, another kid comes in crying and wobbling and bleeding.
<...

Booty

Woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says I want a J-Lo booty, after many hours of surgery she takes the bandages off and looks in the mirror only to see a jiggly, green booty............

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee...

>**Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.**
>
>**Seven days later, they all ca...

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

A bear walks into a bar

The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw....”

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, ...

... but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"Th...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".

Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartend...

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John hears his old buddy Archie is doing poorly...

...so he decides to drop in on his ol' buddy and pay him a visit. John notices the bandages around Archie's knee, and asks how he's feeling. "Ah, I took a bit of a bad knock, but I can hobble 'round all right. Can't handle the stairs though....would you run up and grab my slippers? My feet are co...

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A boy is in the car with his dad driving

Behind them is a police car which begins to flash its lights.

“Oh you shithead” says the dad in annoyance.

But it turns out the police car was signalling someone else and its was fine.

“Daddy” the boy says “what does shithead mean?”

Chuckling, the dad replies “I was on ...

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

A man goes to have drinks with his buddies after work

As the night went on, someone put a glass on his chair, he sat on it and they all laughed and laughed. Finally he goes home at 3 AM, and quietly opens the door. He realizes he needs to take care of his cuts, gets a box of bandaids, and carefully applies them in front of the hall mirror. The next m...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices one of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.

"What happened to your ears?" he asks.

"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a pho...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school.

He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a ...

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A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis. She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”

“Well,” ...

Dad's Surgery

So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today.

He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying "Added in some memory today".
To which I responded: "Did they have to RAM it in?".

Should have asked ...

There was once a little blind girl...

... and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "Mummy Mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and her mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant on a cream which will make your eyes all better again! And we can g...

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

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A bartender walks into a bar

goes behind the counter and does 12 hours of serving drinks to indifferent faces. They don't care about his life. He delays going home to his wife by flirting with a waitress, but he knows she's just being nice.

He goes home to a wife who hands him divorce papers, and his son at her side, no...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

Blondes and a Mummy

Two blondes are looking at an Egyptian mummy.

Blonde 1 : look so many bandages ! Must have been a car accident.

Blonde 2 : yeah ! They have give the license plate number as well , BC 1760

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A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thomps...

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3 viagra

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says he needs 3 Viagra right away. The doctor asks why he needs 3 and the guy says "well my ex wife is coming over this morning, my wife will be home this afternoon, and I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight." The doctor agrees to give him 3, but says "I want to s...

A man goes to a plastic surgeon

One day a man decides that he wants to look like a Hollywood celebrity. He goes to the most highly regarded surgeon in town who happens to be his own son.


The surgery is long and exhausting, 18 hours of nonstop work but finally the operation finishes. It takes 3 months to recover in full ...

A Dog Walks Into Bar...

A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve dogs in here," pulls out a pistol and shoots the dog in a hind paw. The dog hops yelping out of the bar.

The next day the dog walks back into the bar with a huge bandage on his hind foot. He's wearing a ten-gallon h...

Two old friends

Two former highschool friends run in to each other after 15 years. One guy never amounted to anything. The other guy is rich, wearing the finest fur, driving an expensive car and has a very pretty woman.

After some small talk, the poor guy asks the succesfull guy how he got so rich. 'Well' he...

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A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

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You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.

"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thoug...

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The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the ...

A carrot gets into a bad car crash...

He wakes up in a hospital bed with casts and bandages all over him. His Doctor looks at him and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is your going to live, but the bad news is your going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

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A dirty joke I heard from my mother!

A man from the IRS walks into a hospital to audit the medical supplies

The man says to the head surgeon, "What do you do with all the extra bandages?". The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the supply company and they send us a new box"

The man...

A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop...

...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle...

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