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Abdomen Jokes

My girlfriend wants me to tattoo "3:24pm" on my abdomen

I told her that would be a waist of time

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I used to work in an ER, one day my asshole ex boyfriend came in with some deep lacerations to his abdomen,

When I saw him I said, “you’ve got a lot of guts coming in here.”

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

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A young man goes to see his doctor…

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today. “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says. The doctor reassures him and begins to ex...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

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A husband dies after consuming spaghetti..

Doc: It appears that your husband died from a pierced abdomen.

Wife: How is it possible? All he had was spaghetti.

Doc: After consuming spaghetti, he took some viagra. You know what that does to limp noodles.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

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Not Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daught...

A man goes to a doctor...

for excruciating pains he's having in his abdomen. The doctor prescribes him suppositories, convinced that this will correct the issue.

About a week later, the doctor receives a call from the man, furious that his condition has gotten worse.

Surprised and alarmed, the doctor calmly ask...

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

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A resident of Stockholm goes to the countryside to hunt ducks.

When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's farm, and he won't hand over the prey. "That's my bird," the townsman insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick in the abdomen, as is customary in the countryside. "Whoever yells less gets...

Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here ...

A redhead walks into the Dr. Office.....

She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."

The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."

"Why yes, How di...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

Cough medicine.

A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues in...

A doctor was addressing his first year med students on their first day working with cadavers...

The doctor at the head of the class told them, "In order to make sure you all have the right stuff to become medical doctors, please do exactly as I do".

.

The doctor then made an incision into the abdomen on the body before him and waited until all of the students had done the same. ...

A National Geographic journalist visits a remote village...

...on an unexplored, untouched island in the South Pacific. He is welcomed by the villagers with open arms, and a great feast in his honor is given. All the villagers and the journalist eat their fill until they cannot possibly take another bite. The journalist retires to a bed the villagers prepare...

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3 Chinese tortures

A lonely and tired wanderer is rambling and ambling across China. He has been wandering, and pondering life for three days. He stumbles upon an old cottage and thinks, maybe I may stay here for the night, as three days without rest, food, or drink, is a long time, and he was quite tired. So, he knoc...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

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How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

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This man has a horrible pain on his neck

... so he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him: "Well, I'm afraid the problem are your testicles, they dropped down, but for some reason they have crawled back inside your abdomen, and a side effect of this is that your spine contracts and you get the pain on your neck." The man then asks wha...

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This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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