A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral...

Short Farewell

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods.
The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively.
"Thank you," she says.
"That means a lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a jockey with a sore throat?

The hoarse whisperer

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her.

"This is awkward," I told her.

"Yes," she said. "But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."

"That's right," I said. "But they don't often give blowjobs."

what do you call someone who seduces your throat?

A necromancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I took a viagra

And it got caught in my throat now I have a stiff neck.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."





Edit: thank you for the WONDERFUL cascade of follow on jokes below. Hilarious


Edit 2: First Gold. Cheers mate🥂

What does a sore throat and a pony have in common

They're both a little horse

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a three foot snake who got a Viagra stuck in his throat?

A yardstick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear ...

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

The sore throat

A man, tired and frustrated looking, walks into a private health clinic. He makes an appointment, then waits briefly to be asked in by the doctor.

The doctor asks what the matter seems to be.

The man responds: "Well, my throat's been hurting real bad for the last few weeks. I've been t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office girl complains about sore throat to a coworker...

she says she's not feeling well and wants to go home early.

Her coworker pulls her aside and says: "I'll tell you a little secret. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go home to my husband, give him a blowjob, and swallow it all. Works like magic every time!"

The next day, the girl bounce...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

​

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

​

Another man comes up and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle.

Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

You can tell alot about a woman by her hands

For instance... If they're around your throat she's probably upset

What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat?

a hymn

A friend of mine died from a sore throat...

... Th**e**y hung him!

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probabl...

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.

Must have been a phlegmingo.

The vow of silence

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Hard bed," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat?

Because they always get a little hoarse

It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.

"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.

At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as b...

Don't you hate it when an egg gets stuck in your throat?

Luckily, the discomfort is always over easy.

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

The sore throat

Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat.

Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, "Yes?"
Carl, in a very quiet, breath...

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

​

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is falling asleep in class and little Susie is sitting behind him

The teacher noticed Johnny’s head down so she called on him to answer: “Johnny, who is our lord and savior?” Susie pokes him in the back with a pencil, making him jerk awake and scream “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher was shocked but just said “very good Johnny” and he fell back asleep. Teacher notices t...

Help! I have food stuck in my throat!

Haha, just choking!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) So my girlfriend is crazy horny

And we went out to a restaurant. They brought mints with the check. That gave her the idea that I should have mints instead of pineapple juice, so my cum would taste minty, and my cum would be her end of a meal mints. So I started eating all sorts of mints for a few weeks.

One day we're ge...

What's the difference between sperm and mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your mom's throat at 30 mph

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

The Lion

There's a zebra, a warthog and an impala and they drinking at the water hole when a pride of lions appears out of the bushes and surrounds them.

​

The biggest lion says "Okay you three are going to each tell me a joke and if I don't laugh I'm going to kill you."

&...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You cant jelly a dick down someone's throat.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

I once swallowed a dictionary

It gave me Thesaurest throat

Trekking through the Desert

Two Englishmen and a Bedouin guide are trekking through the desert. The sun is beating down and the throats are parched and their lips are dry and cracked when one of the Englishmen notice that the Bedouin's lips look fine - no chapping, no cracking, nothing. He asks, how do you keep your lips from ...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

A guy tries to kill himself

Fed up with his disgusting life, a absent-minded man decides to kill himself. He writes a long note to his wife, who was out working as a cashier. Then, he prepares to do the deed.

The wife comes back home a few hours later, and find his husband dangling from the ceiling with a rope tied arou...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

I ate a dictionary the other day....

ever since then I've had thesaurus throat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

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