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BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."

...

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I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat

I've had a stiff neck for hours.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."





Edit: thank you for the WONDERFUL cascade of follow on jokes below. Hilarious


Edit 2: First Gold. Cheers mate🥂

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

what do you call someone who seduces your throat?

A necromancer.

What does a sore throat and a pony have in common

They're both a little horse

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

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As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her.

"This is awkward," I told her.

"Yes," she said. "But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."

"That's right," I said. "But they don't often give blowjobs."

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes,...

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What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

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An office girl complains about sore throat to a coworker...

she says she's not feeling well and wants to go home early.

Her coworker pulls her aside and says: "I'll tell you a little secret. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go home to my husband, give him a blowjob, and swallow it all. Works like magic every time!"

The next day, the girl bounce...

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

The sore throat

A man, tired and frustrated looking, walks into a private health clinic. He makes an appointment, then waits briefly to be asked in by the doctor.

The doctor asks what the matter seems to be.

The man responds: "Well, my throat's been hurting real bad for the last few weeks. I've been t...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle.

Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to m...

How do you deep throat a Muslim girl?

You Ramadan her throat.

What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat?

a hymn

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

A friend of mine died from a sore throat...

... Th**e**y hung him!

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Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat?

Because they always get a little hoarse

It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.

"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.

At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as b...

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.

Must have been a phlegmingo.

Help! I have food stuck in my throat!

Haha, just choking!

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

The sore throat

Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat.

Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, "Yes?"
Carl, in a very quiet, breath...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

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Sneaking back in.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “guys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

​

Well, the hours passed and the shots went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cucko...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

I ate a dictionary the other day....

ever since then I've had thesaurus throat

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A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

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Religion is like a...

Religion is like a penis. It's nice to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, and it's OK to think that yours is bigger and better than everyone else's.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and more importantly, please don't try to shove it down my child's throa...

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Clara was on a cruise by herself for vacation.

She was at the railings, staring at the ocean, watching the sunset. Then, a man walked down the stairs, watching her. He decided to start talking to Clara.

​

"Maam, you hsve very pretty eyes. Would you like to go eat dinner with me?"

​

Clara blushed ...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.

​

the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somt...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that has a moral.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out ...

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An Airman, Sailor, Marine, and an Army Ranger end up on an island full of cannibals. They were captured, blindfolded, and sent to the cannibal chief.

Mobile, so formatting. Here's a few different iterations of the joke.

The chief says, "Well, gentlemen, unfortunately for you, we are going to build canoes out of your skin. However, because you all are warriors, I will grant you the option to choose how you will die."

A

The ...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

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Two girls on the bus

Two girls on the bus were talking about how much sex they had the other day when an old man said coughing:

"Whores!"

The first girl rapidly walked up to him asked what the fuck he just said. He then answered:

"Sorry, had something in my throat, you surely can relate!"

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

A 14 y/o girl decides to try drugs.

So she created a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. She didn't have any cool friends with real drugs so she tried to smoke oregano, but found it hurt her throat. Next she tried black pepper in the bong but it made her sneeze. She experimented with ground Ginger but the smoke made her eyes...

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This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

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A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.

"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."

"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
...

Sisters of Saint Mary's House of Prostitution

A man is driving down the road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Saint Mary's House of Prostitution - 3 miles." He is intrigued.

A short time later, he sees another sign that says, "Sisters of Saint Mary's House of Prostitution - 1 mile." He slows down a little to give himself a litt...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

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What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

I can’t exactly jelly my dick down your throat.

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Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

The Tie Salesman

There’s a great haberdasher by the name of Igor Kavinsky who made his name in the former Soviet Union for his luxurious ties. They were remarked to be the best, better than the best, the best of the best. With a reputation like that, it was no wonder that he was popular amongst the elite of the elit...

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.