UPJOKE
neckmouthtongueesophagusstomachabdomencheekjawbodycervixchestbleedinganatomytastebudlarynx

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A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

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My wife thinks deep-throating my cock is ruining her vocal cords.

I don’t know how she can say that.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?

She had a frog in her throat!

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When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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I have a special set of trainers that always seem to give me a sore throat whenever I wear them.

They're my hoarse shoes.

Went to the doctor today and rasped, "There seems to be a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat." He chuckled, "It's not that serious but..."

"You'll need to have utensils taken out."

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Paddy goes to war with France..

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron rep...

What do you call a pony with a sore throat ?

A little horse

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Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

What's Worse Than A Giraffe With Sore Throat?

A centipede with sore feet

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

I once swallowed a dictionary

I had thesaurus throat imaginable.

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

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Religion is like a penis.

I don't mind if you have one, I just don't want you shoving it down my throat.

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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William and Shakespeare...

Were traveling together and came across a small village. Both being poets, the crowd of people wanted to know whom was the best poet and conducted a contest amongst William and Shakespeare. Shakespeare, with smugness, decided to go first. The mayor gave Shakespeare the word, "Timbuktu" to come up wi...

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

A man walks into a talent agent to audition for her.

The non-descript man wearing non-descript clothes is carrying a small black bag. He sets the bag on the agents desk and removes a wooden mallet and a walnut.


The man clears his throat, takes the walnut, places it on his head, and smashes it with the mallet. The walnut shatters impress...

Why is it that Miss. Piggy can’t count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog stuck in her throat!

What do you call a joke that gets stuck at the back of your throat?

A gag

Just came back from visiting another man, he put a long object in my mouth and now my throat hurts badly...

God I hate COVID-19 tests.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

My coworker said her throat was itchy

So natural response is , it’s probably those kids in there playing tag

And now I have a meeting with HR

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

At the funeral

a gentleman friend asked the widow if he might say a word. She agreed, so the gent stood up, cleared his throat and said loudly, “ABUNDANT”, then sat down next to the widow. She reflected a moment, then leaned over to the friend and said quietly, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

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Out with the girls...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight and even did a pinkie swear.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the ...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."

...

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

Why is Mrs. Claus's throat called 'the chimney'

Because Santa only gets to come down it once a year

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Someone help I tried swallowing a viagra but it’s got stuck in my throat.

Have had a stiff neck all day.

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

Hunter and the bear



A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge hunting rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, he couldn't find the bear. A moment later, he sees the bear sneak up from behind him and says, “No one...

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

What do people who raise the dead have in common with people who have throat fetishes?

They’re both neck romancers.

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

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Long Covid (NSFW)

A guy goes into the Doctor's office and says, "Ya know doc, I think I might have long Covid." The doc asks, "How so?" And the guy says, "Well, you know, I tested positive over 3 weeks ago. I'm still congested, I have a minor sore throat, and I'm really fatigued." He pauses while the doc scribbles...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

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A cat was sat next to me on the airplane

I was on an airplane and noticed a cat sat two seats over from me with a balaclava on, all of a sudden he gets up, walks to the cockpit, pulls a knife and puts it to the pilot's throat.


pilot says "what the hell's going on?"


cat replies "take me to the canaries"

Why did the hipster burn his throat?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

What do a school bus and your wife's throat have in common?

They both hold kids

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A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, lo...

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[NSFW] Jack visits a fetish club for the first time.

Jack, a man who is looking to explore himself hears about a wild fetish club where people can indulge in just about *anything.* He's a little nervous, but he finally talks himself into going just to see what it's all about.

When he gets there, Jack's immediately overwhelmed. The whole place s...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

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Sherlock & Watson

Sherlock and Watson are walking through the park one fine day when they spot 3 women sitting on a bench eating bananas.

Watson says "Sherlock look, there are 3 women over on that bench eating bananas". Sherlock responds "Oh, the Nun, prostitute and the newlywed"? Watson is amazed with his st...

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

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As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her.

"This is awkward," I told her.

"Yes," she said. "But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."

"That's right," I said. "But they don't often give blowjobs."

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

A dog owner is relaxing in the park when a man approaches.

—I'm sorry, but my chihuahua just killed your dog.

—That's absurd, my dog is a mastiff. How your ridiculously small chihuahua could possibly kill mine?

—Well, my dog got stuck in your dog's throat and choke him to death.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's throat?

A mechanic.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

what do you call someone who seduces your throat?

A necromancer.

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A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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Good Sport...

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe...

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

Three soldiers (an Italian, an American, and a Brit) are all captured by ISIS

The ISIS torturer sneers at each of the prisoners and lets them know that he will be extracting all the information he can from each of them.



The Brit speaks up first. With a stiff upper lip and a staid, British countenance, he looks the torturer directly in the eyes and dares him, "...

What do you call an artist with a sore throat?

Vincent Van Cough.

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

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