Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

What do a school bus and your wife's throat have in common?

They both hold kids

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My friend said, "LOL. Every girl I've been with can deep throat."

And with great speed, my other friend retorted, "That's because you have a small dick Phil".

Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my throat and demanded that I pay up

To hell with the barbers.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

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Someone help I tried swallowing a viagra but it’s got stuck in my throat.

Have had a stiff neck all day.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's throat?

A mechanic.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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Deep throating porn is funny.

There are so many gags.

Why did the hipster burn his throat?

He drank his coffee before it was cool

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral...

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What do you call a pony with a sore throat

A little hoarse

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

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BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."

...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

A woman is sitting at her husbands funeral listening to the eulogies

She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.

“Certainly”, he says and walks up to the mic

“A few words” the man says before sitting back down

“That’s exactly what I needed to hear” says the woman.

A man sitting behind her leans forward and ask...

An eagle and a pony walk into a bar..

They sit down. The bartender comes over, and the eagle says: “I’ll have a Budweiser and my friend pony here will have a gin and tonic.”

Bartender: “sure, be right back.”

The eagle says to the pony: “gotta go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

In the meantime the bartender com...

What do you call a unicorn with a soar throat?

Horse...

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

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This old Ukrainian joke, not sure it translate well

My father's father's father's golf caddy tell me did old joke it go ..

How make yourself Vomit?

You taking one finger from each hand and place one up bum and de other down throat.

if dis don't work. swap fingers round

Why did Dracula take a throat lozenge when he got home from the gym?

He was in a coffin fit

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I don't mind if you have a strong opinion about blowjobs.

I just don't want it rammed down my throat.

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Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

I caught my wife sleeping with amphibians behind my back

I asked her why, but she had a frog in her throat

Marriage counselor

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsel...

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

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A guy is driving home one day and hears a voice that says "Sell your car, sell your house, take all the money and go to Vegas"

He thinks it's weird, and that he's imagining things.

Same thing happens the next day, and then again, every day for weeks. Finally after about a month he decides to do it. Sells his car, his house, takes all the money and flies to Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice sa...

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

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As the vet removed the used condom from my dog's throat, I looked at her.

"This is awkward," I told her.

"Yes," she said. "But...dogs do stick their heads into bins before, it's not unheard of."

"That's right," I said. "But they don't often give blowjobs."

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

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I think i was really drunk last night.

Woke up to my mate yelling at me. I opened my eyes and realized i was at his place.

He said: wtf man? Did you shit on the floor again? Pooped on the new carpet i just bought. what is wrong with you?

I thought to myself wait,what? again? no that cant be me, i wasnt that drunk last night...

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

My New Job At A Nursery

I’d been working at my new nursery (day-care) for about a week when 3 new girls were joined us one morning. As I’d learned was the protocol when we had new kids join us, I quietened the kids down, arranged everyone in a circle before clearing my throat:

“Kids, we have some new girls joining u...

Airplanes are a blessing in disguise

*clears throat*

Excuse me...

A blessing in the skies.



It’s better said than typed :/

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

A man goes to the doctor...

...with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pil...

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

A drunk enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest clears his throat to get his attention,.

The drunk mumbles, "Father i am about to sin!"

The Priest says. "Please don't! there is a public toilet down the street"

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed,...

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

What's fowl and swine, but people can't resist shoving down their throat?

A turkey and ham sandwich.

I'll see myself out.

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

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What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

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Some senior told me this one the other day at the quarry

So after a day of work brewing moonshine, a man and his friends decide to go to the nearby restaurant and get some food. So they go and they sit and they each order a burger and beer.

After talking and enjoying their food, talking about business and the like, a young woman at the other table ...

Two spermatozoons

One ask the other "Are we near the egg cell?"



"Keep going" he replied "We're still through the throat"

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

I ate a dictionary today...

I had thesaurus throat ever.

My son told me that, and I was surprised to see it wasn't a Reddit favorite for reposting

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Pain tolerance

It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement.

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

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What do vegans and strippers have in common?

They both don't want your sausage down their throats.

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

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