Fingers Jokes - 64 Hilarious Fingers Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?

My hand.

What turtles have fingers?

Snapping turtles

I asked my doctor to use 2 fingers when checking my prostate..

I wanted a second opinion.

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers…

5 beers please!

What do you get if you loose one of your fingers?

# What do you get if you lose one of your fingers?

10% Discount for a Manicure.

What is the opposite of lady fingers?

Mentos.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

there was a man in prison who could shoot electricity from his fingers and stuff.

he was charged with battery.

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Coz he kneaded a poo.

A man loses three fingers in a horrific work accident

He asks the doctor if he’ll be able to drive with that hand..

The doctors says… Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it..

Do you know how many times I've stuck my fingers together when using glue?

*hold your hand up, but keep your fingers together*

This many times!

Just found an envelope containing several severed fingers in my mailbox

It was weird because we don't usually get mail on Sundays

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Fingers ?

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

I treat my haters the same way I treat fingers on 4th of July…

I just blow ‘em off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Lots of people want chicken fingers

But a very few wants to finger chickens

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why these two fingers?

For my cake day, I present /r/jokes with a favorite of mine, told to me by my uncle during a cousin's wedding. I make no claims as to its origin, nor to the relative awesomeness of my family:

Uncle: "Hey, got a joke for ya. *(holds out first and middle fingers)* Why should a woman always ...

What is the difference between the US and your fingers?

You can count on your fingers.

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Daddy's gonna eat your fingers.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Da...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified

A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".

The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"

You can take my fireworks from my cold dead fingers.

One is over there, another is there.

“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

"dad, why do people say they have green fingers when their fingers are not green"?

"well son, its a saying. just like when you say someone was caught red handed, when their hand is actually black"

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"

--This is a text, how should I know?

"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."

The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers

Just stop masturbating.

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.

They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.

Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

“Take your fingers out of your ears.”

Most people find these words hard to hear.

A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.

He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.

When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now.....

"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

Thanos snaps his fingers

Only 3000 people in China disappeared

Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles?

It happened to me once in a blue moon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through the grocery store, when a woman stops him and says

"I think you're the father of one of my kids!"

The guy stops for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers and points at her. "Wait! Aren't you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, while all my buddies watched, and your sidekick was spanking my ass with wet ce...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.