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I accidentally glued my girlfriend's butt cheeks together.

She hasn't talked to me in three days , but I can feel the shitstorm coming. ..

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Why are your butt cheeks split up vertically?

If it were horizontally, running down the stairs would sound like someone clapping their hands.

What has 2 cheeks and a hole in the middle?

Your face.

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

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A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

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I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

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The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

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Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

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As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

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My wife asked if I loved her butt cheeks

I told her "not just your cheeks honey, I love you butt as a hole"

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My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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You and I are like ass cheeks...

we're still together after all the shit that's gone between us.

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Why did God make four cheeks on the human body?

He made an ass of the first two.

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

“What are the three tests?" asks the man

“Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here's...

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Friends and family are like butt cheeks...

Shit seperates them but, they always come back together in the end.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....

Keep going! She has flu symptoms!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

(NSFW) So me and a couple of my friends agreed to a threesome

And we went at it for forty five minutes, slapping cheeks, swearing, sweating but then I stop and I ask him, “Hey bro, when is she getting here?”

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Bob goes to the barber’s for a shave.

The barber asks him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks. Bob tucks the ball into his cheek, then asks the barber, “But what if I swallow the ball?” The barber replies: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

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What is an accountant’s sex tape called?

Excel SpreadCheeks

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

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So I watched Mid-Western US Porn

The guy was so nice when he asked to eat ass.

He spread her cheeks and said “Ope, just gonna sneak on in here.”

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to sp...

An Irish guy shows up to work one Monday with a black eye

\----before I proceed with the joke, I'm not gonna type out an Irish accent cause it'll suck if I try lol. So anyway----



His mate asks him what happened and the guy says, "It's like this - I went to church yesterday and we were all kneeling for prayer. There was a big fat woman in fro...

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Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on ...

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Suzie and Lauren went on a girls night out (nsfw)

And on the way home both really needed to piss. There were no restrooms about but there was a graveyard, so figuring no one would see them they jumped the wall and each squatted behind a tombstone.

"Suzie I've nothing to wipe my arse with." Lauren lamented, to which Suzie replied.

"Jus...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

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