When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with both cheeks burnt.

Doctor asks what happened ?

Man says - I was ironing my clothes , and suddenly the baby started crying , seeing this my dog started barking and hearing him bark , my wife started screaming ..... there was so much chaos in the room and suddenly my best friend called on my home phone and inste...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm self conscious about my hairless butt cheeks...

I embarrassed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay

So in revenge I super-glued them together. I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did God make four cheeks on the human body?

He made an ass of the first two.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friends and family are like butt cheeks...

Shit seperates them but, they always come back together in the end.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You and I are like ass cheeks...

we're still together after all the shit that's gone between us.

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....

Keep going! She has flu symptoms!

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to sp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joke I dreamed I made last night

A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.
The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns home from a doctors visit..

He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,

"I've got 12 hours to live.."

​

The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,

"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"

​

The husband looks ...

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win...

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man is eating a $10 hooker's ass...

He's spreading her cheeks and eating her ass and sees something jump between the asscheeks:

Surprised, he says: "Hey! Hey! Are those crabs?"
And the hoe says "Well for ten bucks you really thought you'd get lobster?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grab...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW The King of the jungle

One day the donkey went to the lion, the king of the jungle and asked:
-Why are you the king and I'm not?
Well, I fuck the longest little donkey, that's why I'm king, says the lion.
-Well, how long do you fuck?
-7 minutes straight!
That's not long at all, says the donkey.
The lion ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

So there’s this rich dying vampire who tells his three sons that he’ll give one one of them his fortune.

The three of them decide to have a blood sucking contest to decide who gets the fortune.

On the first night, the oldest brother goes out. He comes back with blood dripping down his chin. His brothers ask him how he did it and he points to a dead man. “See that guy over there? I drank all of h...