Skull Jokes - 87 Hilarious Skull Jokes

Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin

Time.

You know what’s great about being a skull?

You don’t need no body

If I have a race with a skull...

If I have a race with a skull... do I have to give it a head start?

At first, when I found the skull in the woods, I wondered...

Who was this man, and how did he come to die out here in the forest, so far from help? When did it happen and were there still people hoping that one day he'd come home?

But also ... how come he had such big antlers? That's like weird, right?

Them: Whose skull is that?

Me: *raising it to my lips to take a drink* a guy named Phillip.

Them: What's in it?

Me: Vodka and orange juice.

Them: .....

Me: It's a "Phillips Head Screw Driver"

Death must be great

I’ve never seen a skull frowning.

Why do they call it grave robbery . . .

and not skullduggery?

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

I own a real human skull

I'd take it out and show you, but i'm using it right now.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and orange juice...

The bartender says, Sure thing, turns around and mixes his drink, and sets a human skull shaped into a mug in front of him.

The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice!

The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.

Now I can't get it out of my head.

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The Small Skulled Boss (nsfw)

So, I'd been working at my company for a while (I won't say which one, but you probably have used their product today). Yesterday, the CEO of the company came into our department and had a sit down with me. When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was the size of his head. It was the size ...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Yesterday I was walking in the forest and I found a skull.

I called the police on my cell phone and they told me not to pick it up or move it. Well, I already had moved it, but I was scared to tell them that, so I picked it up carefully by one of the antlers and put it back exactly where I found it.

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

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On the news tonight they said a skull-fucker was on the loose...

everyone should keep an eye out for him.

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island.

First the English man arrives back at the c...

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

3 idiots walk into a bar....

They all order a round of drinks and inform the bartender that they are celebrating.
The three idiots lift their glasses into the air and together they shout "53" and skull their drinks.
They continue to order drinks throughout the night and evey time they toast and yell "53"
Finally curios...

Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I’ve been married twice and both my wife’s died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.

Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?

Man 1: She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms

A sensitive man...

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

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Jews and Chinese doing business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese buys 25 pairs.

He r...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.

"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

A blonde is scheduled to have brain surgery...

The surgeon proceeds to sedate her and opens her skull... To his surprise, there was no brain inside, just a nice red silk thread running across the inside.

He didn't know what to do, so he simply cut the thread..... and her ears fell off....

But what is Vsauce?

You are in a room with Michael.

Michael is staring into your eyes.

His lips part.

He speaks the sweet, golden words.

"But... what are, eyes?"

His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left.

His eyebrow raises slightly.

He gestures with his hands.<...

A guy walks into a coffeeshop.

When it’s his turn in line he says, “I’d like a dark roast.”

A gothic barista with thick eyeliner, a flaming skull tattoo, and an eyebrow ring looks at him dead in the eye and in a deadpan voice:

“Your mother is so severely comatose that not even Evanescence can wake her up inside.”

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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Pissing In The Bar!

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a skull cap and the other wearing a baseball hat. The guy in the baseball hat approaches the bartender and makes a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a singl...

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A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the trai...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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A Nazi walks into a bar and finds a guy called Kyle

He sits down, and Kyle tells him 'I bet I can make that dude over there disappear'. The Nazi, after seeing the skull cap on the man, agrees but says 'I don't think it's goanna work'. Kyle ignores this, and waves his hands three times, then points dramatically at him.

Nothing happens.
<...

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Animal sounds

Cats go meow

Rats go squeak

Dogs go woof

Pigs go "Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"

The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"

T...

I really hate candle shops.

When you walk in a mall, you can smell those stores fifty yards away. When you walk in the shop, you just get bombarded with s hundred fragrances and a migraine comes in and pounds you in the skull. And by the way, who needs a hundred different kinds of scents?! Popcorn scented candles?! Just buy a ...

Three men line up to show off their skills at archery

They are to shoot off the apple off of a young boy's head. The first one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple clean off of the boy's head, and says, "I am Robin Hood!". The second one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple of the boy's head, and says, "I am William Tell!". The third on...

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The Circle Of Life

Two cowboys, Bill and Joe, are riding their horses through the prairie. Joe says "Bill, what happens when we die?" Bill says "Well Joe, do you know about the circle of life?" "I recon I don't" says Joe. "Let me tell you." Says bill. "So say an Indian rides by right now and shoots an arrow through yo...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A man goes to the circus, looking for a job [Long Joke]

A man goes to the circus looking for a job, he approaches the ticket seller to find the ring master.

"What do you want?" Said the ticket seller.

"I have the greatest act ever, that I know is perfect for the circus, and is bound to impress the ring master"

The ticket seller thoug...

First Aid Saves

"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.

"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, ...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife. He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was...

3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits. The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop. The whole arm ripped off. I sewed everything back tight. The guy was stronger than ever. He now pitches in the Major League."

Not to be out...

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive ...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportiona...

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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets. They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others. Then they go to town. They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those. One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while. This horr...

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A king who was a fan of archery held a grand archery contest for the citizens of his kingdom, with a prize of 1000 gold pieces

After a month of competition, the victor emerged, an archer so well trained that he could hit a fly from 50 m away.

A king approached the winner and said: "You are indeed the greatest archer I have witnessed in my life and that is truly admirable. It was decided that the prize for this conte...

A smart doctor joke

A redhead walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me....I ache all over". The Doctor says, "really, let me see if I can help...show me where it hurts". The redhead points down to her knee, pokes it and screams in pain. The Doctor nods, takes some notes and asks..."Anwhere else?...

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

A sailor walked into a bar with a shrunken head...

He sat down as all the other seafaring folk all stared in silence at the size of this mans tiny skull. He pulled up a stool and ordered a pint. Curiosity got the better of one of the other men and he just had to ask "what happened to your head?" "Ah I was out on my own fishing for months out in the ...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...

Artie wants to join the Mafia

So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,"You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations." Artie takes a big gulp and says, "I'm on it sir."

He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. "Good job Artie! Now you must...

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A man is vacactioning at a country club and decides to visit a local pub.

He sits down and orders a drink and notices a large jar full of cash at the end of the bar. Curious, he asked the bartender what it's for.

"Well, you see, we have a tradition here..." the bartender responds. "You put $10 in the jar. If you can pass three trials, you win all the money."
...

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