You know what’s great about being a skull?

You don’t need no body

Them: Whose skull is that?

Me: *raising it to my lips to take a drink* a guy named Phillip.

Them: What's in it?

Me: Vodka and orange juice.

Them: .....

Me: It's a "Phillips Head Screw Driver"

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

I own a real human skull

I'd take it out and show you, but i'm using it right now.

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

As a child I was always taught there is a brain in my skull.

Now I can't get it out of my head.

Skull shaped ice cubes are pretty cool

Well, for a few minutes at least.

Did you hear about the bald guy who cracked his skull?

Doctor said he had a receding hairline fracture.

Yesterday I was walking in the forest and I found a skull.

I called the police on my cell phone and they told me not to pick it up or move it. Well, I already had moved it, but I was scared to tell them that, so I picked it up carefully by one of the antlers and put it back exactly where I found it.

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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The Small Skulled Boss (nsfw)

So, I'd been working at my company for a while (I won't say which one, but you probably have used their product today). Yesterday, the CEO of the company came into our department and had a sit down with me. When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was the size of his head. It was the size ...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

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An unemployed piano player walks into a bar

He speaks to the owner who says, you're in luck, we're looking for a piano player right now! How about you play a couple of songs for me.

Happy to! I write all my own stuff!

The piano player sits down and plays the first tune.

Owner: that was fantastic! What do you call that one...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Death must be great

I’ve never seen a skull frowning.

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

A guy regains consciousness in hospital with a golf clup imbedded in his skull.

The doctor acked him if he can remember what happened.

"Well, I remember I was playing golf with my wife. She sliced her tee shot into the cow paddock next to the fairway. We looked for her ball for a while but couldn't find it. On the off-chance, I lifted a cows' tail, and sure enough there ...

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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On the news tonight they said a skull-fucker was on the loose...

everyone should keep an eye out for him.

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There is a race between a skull and a small butt

one's clearly ahead, the other's a little behind

Why do they call it grave robbery . . .

and not skullduggery?

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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

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A man asked his colleague: “What did he want to become when he was young ?”

His colleague said:”An assassin or a bird pornstar.”
The man replied: “So basically, crack skulls and fuck gulls.”

A guy walks into a coffeeshop.

When it’s his turn in line he says, “I’d like a dark roast.”

A gothic barista with thick eyeliner, a flaming skull tattoo, and an eyebrow ring looks at him dead in the eye and in a deadpan voice:

“Your mother is so severely comatose that not even Evanescence can wake her up inside.”

A Scotsman is drinking at the bar.

"I've been layin' bricks fer twenty years" he said in a dejected tone.

"But they don't call me McGregor the bricklayer do they?!" He sipped his drink and continued.

"I've bin paintin' hooses fer thirty-five years." He continued to sip his drink, his inflection getting angrier and more ...

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the trai...

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

An English teacher pulls his student aside after class and goes off on him.

Every time you forget to properly punctuate your work. Please, it's the hundredth time I've asked you, can't you get it through your thick skull? Seriously, it's not that hard. The last time I told you off was what, a day ago? Every time it's the same thing, the same mistakes. It's not a hard thing ...

A blonde is scheduled to have brain surgery...

The surgeon proceeds to sedate her and opens her skull... To his surprise, there was no brain inside, just a nice red silk thread running across the inside.



He didn't know what to do, so he simply cut the thread..... and her ears fell off....

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Jews and Chinese doing business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese buys 25 pairs.

He r...

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A Dublin thug corners an Irishman in a dark alley... [Religion] [Irish]

The thug raises a club and says "Got ya! I'm gonna split yer skull, ya Protty bastard!"

"No, wait!" says the man "You've got it wrong. I'm not a Protestant."

"Ah-ha!" Shouts the thug, "I tricked ya! I knew ya were a damn Croppy all along! Now die, ya papist!"

"No, you don't unde...

Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did...

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive ...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportiona...

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A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...

A man and a mouse get drunk in a bar...

Finally, the barman tells them that the bar is closing, so they go out and sing a song together in the street.

Then, an incredibly buff man comes out of his balcony and yells:

"Hey! Will you two shut it or do I have to come down there to do it myself? I'm trying to sleep!"

The d...

Jim was interrogated by the police Officer

This was concerning an injured man with a fractured skull.

Officer: Why was the man hurt?

Jim: He was trespassing on my property!

Officer: That does not explain why he was injured?

Jim: That guy’s a thief! I found him in the garden trying to sneak into my house!
<...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ...

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A bricklayer wrote to the worker's compensation board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number three of the accident report form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink...

When the bartender gave him the drink the man took out his wallet to pay for his beverage. The bartender was shocked to see all of the cash that he held in his wallet for it was bulging with hundred dollar bills! The bartender in shock asked the man...

"Damn son, whats with all the cash on yo...

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A Nazi walks into a bar and finds a guy called Kyle

He sits down, and Kyle tells him 'I bet I can make that dude over there disappear'. The Nazi, after seeing the skull cap on the man, agrees but says 'I don't think it's goanna work'. Kyle ignores this, and waves his hands three times, then points dramatically at him.


Nothing happens.
<...

Whats the hardest part when getting rid of a girlfriend?

Her skull.

3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits. The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop. The whole arm ripped off. I sewed everything back tight. The guy was stronger than ever. He now pitches in the Major League."

Not to be out...

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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife. He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was...

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The Circle Of Life

Two cowboys, Bill and Joe, are riding their horses through the prairie. Joe says "Bill, what happens when we die?" Bill says "Well Joe, do you know about the circle of life?" "I recon I don't" says Joe. "Let me tell you." Says bill. "So say an Indian rides by right now and shoots an arrow through yo...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...

"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"

The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"

T...

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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets. They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others. Then they go to town. They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those. One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while. This horr...

Three men line up to show off their skills at archery

They are to shoot off the apple off of a young boy's head. The first one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple clean off of the boy's head, and says, "I am Robin Hood!". The second one draws his arrow back, shoots, hits the apple of the boy's head, and says, "I am William Tell!". The third on...

Artie wants to join the Mafia

So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,"You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations." Artie takes a big gulp and says, "I'm on it sir."

He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. "Good job Artie! Now you must...

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An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...

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Pissing In The Bar!

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a skull cap and the other wearing a baseball hat. The guy in the baseball hat approaches the bartender and makes a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a singl...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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A man is vacactioning at a country club and decides to visit a local pub.

He sits down and orders a drink and notices a large jar full of cash at the end of the bar. Curious, he asked the bartender what it's for.

"Well, you see, we have a tradition here..." the bartender responds. "You put $10 in the jar. If you can pass three trials, you win all the money."
...

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Animal sounds

Cats go meow

Rats go squeak

Dogs go woof

Pigs go "Put your hands on your fucking head unless you wanna be shot in your fucking skull!"

A smart doctor joke

A redhead walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me....I ache all over". The Doctor says, "really, let me see if I can help...show me where it hurts". The redhead points down to her knee, pokes it and screams in pain. The Doctor nods, takes some notes and asks..."Anwhere else?...

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

First Aid Saves

"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.

"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, ...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog. The Rabbi comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship; you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog! Look."

The Rabbi looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. B...

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An Irishman walked down an alley in Belfast...

A thug jumped from the shadows and pointed a gun at him.

"Millie up, ya Croppy shite!" Said the thug. "I'll blast yer papist skull!"

"Bite the back o' me bullocks with that Blarney." Replied the Irishman. "I'm no Catholic, ya fookin eejit."

"Ha!" Said the thug. "Good craic! I tr...

A sailor walked into a bar with a shrunken head...

He sat down as all the other seafaring folk all stared in silence at the size of this mans tiny skull. He pulled up a stool and ordered a pint. Curiosity got the better of one of the other men and he just had to ask "what happened to your head?" "Ah I was out on my own fishing for months out in the ...

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Told to me by my grandpa

There was once a man who bred very expensive racing horses. One day, he comes home to discover one of the horses' eyes have caved into its skull. So he calls the vet, and the vet examines it. He picks a piece of straw off the ground, sticks one end in the horse's arse and blows on the other end. The...

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