UPJOKE
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I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

Are you my pinky toe?

Because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

*"Mitosis."*

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

What do you call it when you wake up with 9 bruises and stub your toe in the late morning?

Tenth-hurty

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

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A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

My new coworker is missing some toes. I dont like him.

I am Lacktoes Intolerant.

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"
...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

Jesus’s name was going to be Frank

Then Joseph stubbed his toe and the rest is history

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Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

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What do you call the sexualization of toes?

A feetish

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

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An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

What does the Neanderthal cat say when he stubs his toe?

Me. Ow!

What is a foot fetishist’s favorite snack?

Free toes

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

What do you call a forum based around toe injuries?

A stubbreddit

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

Can't move your toe after a bad stub?

No problem, just call a toetruck.

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So, a young lady, who lived a sheltered life, is getting married...

Perturbed, she says to her mum, "Mum, I have never even been with a man. What do I do on the wedding night?"

The mum, not wanting to get into the messy details, says, "My angel, I know you'll figure it out. But, just in case, I'll stay downstairs and clean up after the party, while you go ups...

I recently told my doctor that I cannot deal with people without feet.

He says I'm lack toes intolerant.

It's fine though, because from what I hear, they cannot stand themselves.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

I once had a girlfriend who lost half her foot in a terrible car accident. I had to break up with her though

Because I'm lack toes intolerant.

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes.

My friend hates people with less toes...

My friend hates people with 9 or less toes. He is lacktoes intolerant.

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

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A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not butter.

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

An old man.....

An old man limped into a doctors office and said, "Doctor, my left knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor, slowly eyed him from head to toe, and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"

The old man replied that he was 98.

The doctor, just sighed, and said to the old man, "Sir, ...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

The fact that Head and Shoulders....

Hasn't made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

Why do cows have hooves and not toes?

Because they lactose.

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

I just stubbed my toe on the corner of the sofa...

...COUCH!!!!

A sudden ruckus from the chicken coop wakes the old farmer and his wife.

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,...

My sister trod on my foot…

My sister trod on my foot so hard that part of it split off and formed an exact replica of me.

‘My toe Sis!’ I yelled.

When you’re a toe hammer...

Every problem is a toenail.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

What did the chromosome say to his sister when she slammed the door on his toe

Ow my-toe-sis!

I played my Asian friend in Tic Tac Toe

It was a Thai.

Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

A women goes into see her doctor

She says to her doctor "ever since my husband had a accident and lost all of his toes on his left foot I feel sick when I am around him " , ahh said the doctor I know what the problem is you are lack toes intolerant .

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

An oldie, hopefully you haven't heard it before

A sickly vampire was talking to his three sons

"To decide who's going to have my inheritance", he said to them, "I have a challenge. Whoever brings me the most blood by the end of the day, gets my money".

The three sons set off, each excited to be the heir.

After about half an h...

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I just hit my toe at the table

My father saw me and asked worried if the table was ok........

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I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

Tic-tac-toe

When I play Tic-tac-toe, I am fine with my opponent getting two squares in a row

But three is where I draw the line.

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, head and shoulders, knees and toes, and eyes and ears and mouth and nose...

Hey mate, I undestand, that you need to blow off some steam while cleaning the accident consequences of a train with the buss full of seniors, but for god's sake, could you sing something else?

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

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My buddy tracked down his long lost father and arranged to meet him at a dairy queen.

He got there and they started to hit it off.

Everything was going really well, they were bonding and getting to know each other.

Then my buddy’s dad explained how he lost both his feet during the war.

My buddy lost his shit, went crazy, started throwing things and was thrown o...

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

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This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

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I met my wife at the zoo...

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?

The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

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