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Toe Jokes

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

Are you my pinky toe?

Because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.
AI Image Generator

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

An old man goes to the doctor for his annual head-to-toe checkup.

The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and says, “I’ve got two major concerns.” The old man says, “Ok doc, let’s hear it.” Doctor says, “Well, as you know we ran a full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled with cancer.” “Oh no!” the old man exclaims....

My new coworker is missing some toes. I dont like him.

I am Lacktoes Intolerant.

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

Cute joke a neighbor kid told me: Why did the guy have to have his toe checked out?

Because it had a nail in it.

The colour White stubbed it’s toe and shouted:

ffffff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

*dipping my toe into water* "Ooo that's much too cold!"

Girlfriend: "Waiter, I'd like a separate jug please."

I think my pinky toe is a bottem

It keeps getting smashed

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

I was on a date recently with a girl who told me she was missing her big toes.

I ended it on the spot. I'm lack toes intolerant.

My infant daughter likes to dip her toes in jam and lick it off

Fruit By The Foot!

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

*"Mitosis."*

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

...What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

Doctor: It sounds like diabetes.

What do you call it when you wake up with 9 bruises and stub your toe in the late morning?

Tenth-hurty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

What do you call a forum based around toe injuries?

A stubbreddit

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A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

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Toes

Fellow picks up a girl in a bar, takes her home, they kiss, they make out, one thing leads to another and there they are, in bed, naked.

After some exciting foreplay, the fellow is about to consummate the deed, when the girl moans: "your toe, I want your toe!"

"EH?" the fellow responds...

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

What does the Neanderthal cat say when he stubs his toe?

Me. Ow!

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused ...

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A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not butter.

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

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I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

Can't move your toe after a bad stub?

No problem, just call a toetruck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexualization of toes?

A feetish

When you’re a toe hammer...

Every problem is a toenail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I just stubbed my toe on the corner of the sofa...

...COUCH!!!!

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

I played my Asian friend in Tic Tac Toe

It was a Thai.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What did the chromosome say to his sister when she slammed the door on his toe

Ow my-toe-sis!

Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Tic-tac-toe

When I play Tic-tac-toe, I am fine with my opponent getting two squares in a row

But three is where I draw the line.

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

I just hit my toe at the table

My father saw me and asked worried if the table was ok........

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe

She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

My friend hates people with less toes...

My friend hates people with 9 or less toes. He is lacktoes intolerant.

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle?

It has an X-O-skeleton.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?

The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

Why do cows have hooves and not toes?

Because they lactose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between the little toe on my left foot and my sex life?

Everything wants to bang my little toe

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

TIFU by accidentally ramming my toe against a cigarette urn while trying to throw my cigarette away.

Oops, wrong stub.

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

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