UPJOKE
foottoenailhoofheelgolfdigitgolf gameanklehumanlegthumbhittiptoelittle toebig toe

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

Are you my pinky toe?

Because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

what illness do you get from sucking too many toes?

Diafeeties

Haha

A man is talking to a woman and he asks for a fun fact about her. she tells him "I am missing all my toes". the man says, "I'm sorry but I can't date you". The woman asks why and the man responds:

I am lactose intolerant.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?

*"Mitosis."*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexualization of toes?

A feetish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

An oldie, hopefully you haven't heard it before

A sickly vampire was talking to his three sons

"To decide who's going to have my inheritance", he said to them, "I have a challenge. Whoever brings me the most blood by the end of the day, gets my money".

The three sons set off, each excited to be the heir.

After about half an h...

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

Once there was a man with three toes on one foot

For comfort reasons, he always found the best shoes for him to wear were Chuck Taylors.

One day, there was an accident and he couldn’t wear his usual shoes anymore. The only thing available to him was a pair of leather loafers.

When he put them on, one toe said to the others, “I don’...

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

What does the Neanderthal cat say when he stubs his toe?

Me. Ow!

Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding

Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding at Luigi MIL's house.

Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.

Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama i...

My friend hates people with less toes...

My friend hates people with 9 or less toes. He is lacktoes intolerant.

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

I had a friend who lost a toe in an accident.

We aren't friends any more, I'm extremely lack toes intolerant.

What do you call a forum based around toe injuries?

A stubbreddit

Can't move your toe after a bad stub?

No problem, just call a toetruck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my wife at the zoo...

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

Bonus

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the...

Why do cows have hooves and not toes?

Because they lactose.

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

What's the difference between a digital camera and a sock?

The camera takes photos and the the sock takes five toes.

I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.


This will end in defeet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not butter.

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin.

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin. The Irishman says "Excuse me a second," and steps outside for a few minutes. When he comes back in, he's drenched from head to toe.
The Englishman asks, "Is it raining outside?"
The Irishman says, "No, it's windy."

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

Why do cows have Hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack-toes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Jack visits a fetish club for the first time.

Jack, a man who is looking to explore himself hears about a wild fetish club where people can indulge in just about *anything.* He's a little nervous, but he finally talks himself into going just to see what it's all about.

When he gets there, Jack's immediately overwhelmed. The whole place s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I just stubbed my toe on the corner of the sofa...

...COUCH!!!!

I've got a foot fetish, but they have to have all ten toes...

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

I hate guys who've lost part of their foot in an accident

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

When you’re a toe hammer...

Every problem is a toenail.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

It usually makes me happy when I go first in a game...

...Except in tic tac toe.

Then it makes me cross.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

I played my Asian friend in Tic Tac Toe

It was a Thai.

When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, head and shoulders, knees and toes, and eyes and ears and mouth and nose...

Hey mate, I undestand, that you need to blow off some steam while cleaning the accident consequences of a train with the buss full of seniors, but for god's sake, could you sing something else?

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

I just hit my toe at the table

My father saw me and asked worried if the table was ok........

Tic-tac-toe

When I play Tic-tac-toe, I am fine with my opponent getting two squares in a row

But three is where I draw the line.

There was once a group of celibate monks.

They had decided to go on a pilgrimage, and many of them had never left the monastery before. The senior monk decided to lead the group of pilgrims.

"We will be traveling through many towns and villages. We may come across women during our journey, but we must hold fast to our vows, do not l...

What's worse than stubbing your toe?

Getting hit by a car.

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men Toes

What did the chromosome say to his sister when she slammed the door on his toe

Ow my-toe-sis!

Dad joke alert

Why do elephants paint there toes red?



So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See it works!



Bonus one: what's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?



One can wash there crack and resell it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because the chicken stepped on his toe.

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

Put your foot in it eh?

I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are stupid and bigoted".

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, "Why?! Is it because I'm small and cute!?"

"No..." I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

Why does the skeleton have blue toes?

Because he kicked the bucket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?

The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

A few months ago my friend lost three toes in a work accident. Today his wife left him because she said that she couldn’t handle it....

.....I guess she was lack toes intolerant.

My grandpa hated people with less than 5 toes on each foot

He was lactose intolerant

A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.