Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

A lot of conditioning

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

What do you call a Roman with hair in between his teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her

I didn’t like my hair yesterday

but now it’s kinda growing on me.

What is the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer



I'm sorry

If you have to cut your own hair during this pandemic, do it on the porch.

The haircut will still look terrible, but cleanup is a breeze.

At first I did not like my quarantine hair...

...but then it grew on me.

How did the paramedics know Paul Walker had clean hair?

They found his head and shoulders in the glove box

I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.

I'll call it "Mullet Over."

If Satan ever lost his hair...

there would be hell toupee.

I'll see myself out.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

What did the person with curly hair say when their comb got stuck?

This is knot good

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Her: I didn't find any hair on the bed

Him: And?

Her: Where's that bald bitch?

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

I want to change my hair like everybody during this quarantine.

I think I'll grow my bald spot out!

I used to have wavy hair

Turns out it was waving goodbye

Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic?

A mortician



Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !

I'm a 50 y/o woman and without a hair saloon I'm turning grey. This deprives me of my dignity.

I think I'll have to dye alone.

I was thinking about coloring my hair today.

Today's a good day to dye.

A Prince was visiting a small, unknown village wearing a fancy hat made from the hair of a fox...

The villagers asked the Prince, "That is a magnificent hat you have, what made you decide to wear it?"

"Well", said the Prince, "I was telling the Queen about my plan to visit your small village and she replied, 'Wear the fox hat?' And that's why I'm wearing it today"

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.

Fuzzy wuzzy had alopecia.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

As a kid, I never liked the idea of facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

What do you call someone who dyes their hair red?

Transgingered

My mates just asked me to do his hair for a reggae reggae party.

I'm dreading it.

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

A d‌‌og s‌‌ees a‌‌ "‌‌Now h‌‌iring" p‌‌oster o‌‌utside o‌‌f a‌‌ c‌‌omputer s‌‌tore.

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer."

The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ec...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

*PTUUI*

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.



Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

Why did caveman drag their woman by the hair?

Because if they dragged them by their feet they’d fill up with dirt!

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I suggested to my wife that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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Multicolored hair

Once an old man saw a boy who had dyed his hair red, blue, green and many other colours.

Boy: Why do you keep staring, Sir? Haven't you done something crazy like this in your teenage?

Old Man: Yes, I've done a lot. Once in my teenage I fucked a peacock, so I doubted if you were my son.

What do u call a blonde that dyed their hair?

Artificial Intelligence

(Some old guy at chipotle told me this lmao)

A woman treated her dry hair

A woman treated her dry hair with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"

Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small ...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

I need to get myself an electric nose hair trimmer

Scissors just won't cut it anymore :/

I went to a doctor complaining of hearing problems

The doctor said “okay describe the symptoms” so I replied “no problem mate Homer’s ͏͏͏fat and Marge has blue hair”

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

A priest went to get his hair cut.

Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the cloth." The priest was so moved that the next day he sent the barber a dozen roses.

A minister went to the same barber. Afterwards, the barber refused payment, saying "I cannot take money from a man of the ...

Still growing?

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.

She said yes, so I ran my paw across her top lip and that's how the fight started.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

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What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?

They both barely cover the asshole

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

Why was Pavlov’s hair so messy?

Because he didn’t condition it.

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.

The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.

Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a ...

A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes,

the baby is born.
Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news.
Lady: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: your baby has red hair.
Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!
Doctor: It's stillborn

“Make love to me like in the movies.”

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So I turned her over on all
fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all
over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we
...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

I tried hitting on my barber the other day

I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

My Mother used to wash my hair in Lager.

It wasn't until years later that I discovered I'd been Fostered...

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There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke."

Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly
handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs
does that chicken have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster
got?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man...

What did the actress do when she saw her first strands of grey hair?

She thought she would dye.

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

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A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

A redhead goes for a drive through the country..

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

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Did you hear about the black man whose hair style put ladies in the mood for love?

He has an afro-disiac

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

Four guys were at a campsite.

They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and came to breakfast the next mor...

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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

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A long-haired youth was hitchhiking...

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me? "

"Ask you what?" Replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl." Answered the youth...

I was thinking about going to get a haircut after everything dies down.

But I don’t know anymore...

It’s growing on me

On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

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I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out with her friends on Saturday to get a couple of pairs of new shoes, get your hair done in a different style, then go out for a couple of rounds of Chardonnay.

“That sounds great!”

“Good, because we are breaking up.”

-Jimmy Carr

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbercue.

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

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