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Hair Jokes

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Stop washing your hair with shampoo!

Insist on REAL poo!

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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Jesus had long hair

A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him.

"Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate."

The son accepted the chal...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A lady goes to the store to get a hair trimmer for her dog

..as she's browsing a clerk comes along and says "If you're using it on you're underarms, don't spray on deodorant for a few hours it will sting a lot." She says "No it's not for my underarms."

The clerk says "Well if you're doing your legs, don't wear pantyhose for a day, it can irritate you...

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

How does a redhead shave their pubic hair?

Very gingerly.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair?

Classical conditioning

If Satan ever loses his hair...

...there will be hell toupee.

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What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?

They both barely cover the asshole

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

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What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits?

Her pussy!

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

Why did Worf change his hair color?

It was a good day to dye.

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect it to be in my Big Mac

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

A Newcastle girl goes into a hair salon

The stylist says "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"

"Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:

*Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...*

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How do you make a little old lady with blue hair say “FUCK”??

Have another little old lady with blue hair yell “BINGO!!”

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

There are only two types of hair: public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets fi...

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A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; min...

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

Which Greek philosopher had the most hair?

Follikles

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

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Nice Smelling Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker do...

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What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

It's great to have gray hair.

Ask anyone who's bald.

When a short person says “nice hair” to you...

Quickly check your zipper

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What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby?

Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

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Had an ingrown hair on the scrotum

When I popped it, I determined I was engaged in extratesticular activities.

I don't understand the biology of hair growth

It just goes over my head

Why does Donald Trump have bad hair?

He fired his comb-y

Grey hair is hereditary.

You get it from your children.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You just push it aside and keep on eating!

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

Native American run deep in my bloodline. That’s why I can’t grow facial hair.

I have Apache beard.

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

I lost my hair years ago,

But I still carry a comb.

I just can’t part with it…

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Life is like ass hair

Short and full of shit

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An old man stares at a young scene girl with rainbow hair...

The young girl says "Whats the matter old man...never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man shook his head and said "Got high and fucked a parrot once....was just wondering if you were my daughter."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

I once paid a bee to style my hair.

But it only knew how to do a buzz cut.

Wish my hair was emo...

Then it would cut itself

What is Pavlov's favorite hair product?

Conditioner

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.

The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"

The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pic...

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.

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A little lad asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs.

"It's because you are so naughty" she tells him.

"Well,..." he replies, "...having seen grandma, you must have been a right twat."

Why is pubic hair curly ?

If it was straight you could poke your eye out !

I used to hate my hair short

But now I don't mind it, it's growing on me

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

Hair loss competition

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

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A man finds a hair in his chicken noodle soup...NSFW

He tells his waitress "fuck you" and leaves without paying. The waitress watches him leave and go across the street to a hotel.

After her shift, she goes to the hotel and explains the situation to the agent at the front desk. The agent is sympathetic and tells her the man's room number.
<...

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

Why’d the red neck decide not get his hair cut?

Because he had to mull it over.

My friend was going to dye her hair to spite her ex, but I stopped her.

I didn't want her to be blonded by her hatred.

Today my girlfriend got a bad hair day.

Hair problem.

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I’m not losing my hair as I get older

It’s just growing out of my back and ass instead.

Mom, Why is your hair turning grey?

There was once a naughty little girl who was always getting in trouble and she asked her mother one day "Mom, why is your hair turning grey?" And her mother replied "Every time you do something bad, I get another grey hair." The girl got a puzzled look on her face. A moment later, the girl starts ch...

white haired mum

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?...

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

why did the blonde use her hair dryer on the laptop?

It was frozen

Did you hear about the Norse god who couldn't stop losing hair?

His name was Balder

I did some reading at the hair salon while I got my perm.

I was curled up with a good book.

$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon,

Police are still combing the area for clues.

What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day?

A frisbee..

As a girl, I really enjoy having my hair short.

Because now the only thing I can let down is my parents.

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"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

Why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?

>!If you drag 'em by the ankles they fill up with dirt!!<

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

what do you call a beard without hair?

Jada

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

What would you call a hair product that was marketing batman?

Conditioner Gordon.

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…

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