How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

I told my wife I liked her with her hair back

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

If Satan ever lost his hair...

There would be hell toupee

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

Why was Pavlov’s hair shiny and smooth ?

He conditioned it

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking...

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me? "

"Ask you what?" Replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl." Answered the youth...

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

It's great to have gray hair.

Ask anyone who's bald.

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...

Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?

Artificial Intelligence

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

Why was Pavlov’s hair so messy?

Because he didn’t condition it.

I discovered my first gray pubic hair today

But I'm not as flipped as the other people in the elevator.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

What do you call a happy Roman soldier with a hair stuck in his teeth?

A "Glad he ate her"

Why girls play with their hair when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Bees have good hair

Credit to their honey combs

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey why do you iron your hair?

Her: To make it look longer

Later

Doctor: Let's see Luis explain to me how you burned your penis.

My Mate was losing his hair and was really embarrassed by it.

I said to him don't worry mate i have a solution, intrigued and exited by this, he said what is the solution?: I said put Rabbits on your head. Is this a special cure he asked?

I said no, but from a distance they will look like Hares:

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.


Thank you for the silver anon person!!

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I've had my arse hairs bleached.

I don't recommend that Domestos stuff.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

When my cousin was just a few months old, we discovered that he had an irrational fear of hair.

He just absolutely hated it. After a few years though, it started to grow on him.

NSFW How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

Spit it out.

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

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Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering ...

What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?

Push it aside and keep on eating...

A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allow...

Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair red...

But she spilled it all over the bathroom.

It looks like someone dyed in there.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair?

The front row of a Jonas Brothers concert.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a...

What is it called when a sick wookie loses all its hair?

Wookemia

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

I went to get my hair cut today

But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

A guy on the street asked me how I keep my hair looking so slick..

I guess he was gel-less.

I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me.

Three women are looking at their hair in the mirror.

The first says, "I really need to get this cut and styled so I can have pigtails."

The second nods. "I'm looking for more of a ponytail look." She laughs. "Isn't it funny how many styles are named after parts of animals?"

The third girl laughs. "I know right? Just the other day, I got ...

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

Because if you drug them by their feet they'd fill up with dirt

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

When a short person says you have nice hair.

You quickly check your zipper.

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

I asked my brother why he keeps his hair long

He said : well, I didn't like at first, but then it kind of *grew on me*

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

My local hair dresser just got charged with drug dealing.

I am shocked. I've been a customer of his for years. He never told me he cut hair.

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Do you know what we call the hair between grandma’s boobs?

*her vagina!*

A crook robs an old man with gray hair...

A crook runs out of an alleyway to rob an old man with gray hair.

He runs up in front of the man, pulls out a gun and then says, “Give me all your money!"
The old man says, "But I work in congress!"
Enraged, the crook yells, "THEN GIVE ME ALL OF MY MONEY!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a...

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Three Southern Ladies Are Chatting In A Hair Salon

First lady says "I call my man Sugar"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so sweet"

Second lady says "I call my man Tree"

The others a ask "Why?"

"Because he' so big and firm"

The third lady says "I call my man Courvoisier"

The others a ask "Courvois...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

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My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart.

She has long brown hair

And her brother has a penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The barber

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a Twinkie. While she's eating she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."...

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

My hair is straight but my body isnt...

...I have scoliosis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like your ass hair

Short and full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the best Goalkeeper in the world?

Sunday, 8 am. Me and my mate walking through the streets of my town, completely hammered, seeking the first open Bakery we can find when we cross path with this very old man. He's tiny and look funny, three hairs left on his head, some missing teeth and a good ol' red nose. He stops us and ask:
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest gets his hair cut.

He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth." So the next day the grateful priest sends him a dozen roses.

A minister goes to the same barber. He gets his hair cut. He goes to pay the barber who refuses his money. "I cannot charge a man of the cloth."...

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

A blond and two brown haired girls are playing hide and seek

The first girl hides in a dog crate with a towel over it when the it comes by she says woof woof the it goes right by the second girl hides in a cat crate and when the it goes by she says meow meow the blond hides in a potato sack and when the it comes by she screams POTATO NOISES.

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing.

Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

A blond girl , brunet girl, and black haired girl die and start their journey up to heaven.

Now to get to heaven these girls have to go up 100 steps. On each step there is a joke. If you laugh at a joke you fall straight to hell.
Now the brunet girl gets to about 25 steps then laughs hysterically at a joke about a dyslexic man.
The black haired girl goes much farther to about step 7...

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