UPJOKE
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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”



The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

Why do dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

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Japanese porn is the best, they censor the genitals so it is appropriate to watch with your family!

Censored*

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I have a problem with my genitals

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two

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Bellybuttons are like genitals

Some people have an innie and some people have an outtie.

There is a difference between male and female genitals.

It is a vas deferens.

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

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which animal has the smallest genitals?

a peacock...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

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One day Bigfoot woke up with genitals on his face.

Sascrotch.

The wife's mad that I went out and showed random people my genitals, but I'm so confused.

She wasn't upset when I said I'd be back in a flash.

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!

Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

Women's genitals are a lot like a shed roof

If you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door

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I thought the area between the genitals and the butthole is called the "perineum". I was wrong...

It *taint*.

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

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The interactive Black Mirror episode wouldn't allow the therapist to show her genitals on camera.

Banned her snatch.

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I don't know why guys call the hair between their belly button and genitals their happy trail.

I call mine the trail of tears, because the end only offers disappointment.
Also because countless Native American women and children died there.

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I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals...

But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

What world leader likes to grab people by the genitals?

Putin. He has Trump by the balls.

What do you call a twelve faced shape made out of genitals?

A dodickahedron.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

Today my boss fondled my genitals!

Being self-employed is great.

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

A person walks into a hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his genitals.

The front desk clerk says "I can clearly see your nuts."

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A couple goes to Jamaica for their 10th anniversary.

The man says, "You know what? We should get each other's initials tattooed on our genitals to prove our loyalty to each other" and his wife agreed. A few days later, they're walking on a nude beach when he noticed with a brief glance from the side, it looked like another guy had a matching tattoo. T...

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon lan...

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Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

What do you call it when you do a skateboarding trick over your parent's genitals?

A Freudian Flip.

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

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Three men are having a contest

The contest is to see who can keep their penis in a waffle iron for the longest. The winner gets $20.

The first man turns the iron on, puts his genitals in, and pulls out after two seconds, screaming in agony.

The next man follows suit and lasts four seconds, almost fainting as he pul...

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

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A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

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The father walks into the church and sees 4 sisters...

He asks what they are waiting for and they say they are there to confess their sins. The father tells them to come one by one, so the first one approaches and says:

"Father, forgive me for my sin. I touched a male's genitals using my left hand."

So the father thinks and says:

"G...

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What does a prostitute call their genitals?

Their public parts

A man walks into a shop

…and put his genitals on the counter.

The shopkeeper says:
“You’ve misread the sign, it says ‘clock repairs.’”

The man looks confident.
“I know, I just need you to put two hands on it.”

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons.

"If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth....

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," said Bob who then proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
...

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous a...

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The Staff Seargent

(Heard this a long time ago, and in another language. Not sure if has been posted before ! )

A staff sergeant was going out of state for work, and was suspicious of his wife.

So, the night before he is leaving. While his wife is a sleep. He places a razor blade in her vagina.
...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

Two men head back after a day of hunting.

As they get close to their cabin, they see a bloodhound on the porch obviously enjoying licking his genitals. The first man says. “I wish I could do that!” The second man says, “Go ahead, it’s your dog!”

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The worst thing about being a Japanese porn star

Is being born with pixelated genitals.

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2 dogs were chillin' one day...

...when one of them says to the other "You ever notice that people always let another person lick their genitals instead of doing it themselves?"

The other dog exclaims " Holy shit! A talking dog!"

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Guys are all dicks!

Thanks for coming to my ted-talk, Ladies and Genitals.

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while naked...

As they run, the first guy covers his genitals and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"

The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my genitals"

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer

What about a deer with no legs and no eyes?
STILL no ideer

What about a deer with no legs, no eyes, and no genitals?
No Fucking ideer

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportiona...

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

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