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Me: *I put my hand in his thigh while I'm driving*

The examiner: *What the fuck are you doing*

In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.

My girlfriend has a tattoo of sea shell on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

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Thighs or breasts? NSFW

I was asked if I was a thighs or a breast man but I was neither, so I said I’m more a shaved pussy guy. Now I’m banned from KFC

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

What does an ill person with a lisp and someone with generous thighs have in common?

They’re thick

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

What did the blonde's left thigh say to the right?

"Hi, I don't think we've met"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"

Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"

The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony

Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

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A girl walks into a tattoo parlor and explains that she's always wanted a tattoo of her favorite country music star on the inside of her thigh...

She's really conflicted though, because she can't decide between her two favorites, Conway Twitty or George Jones.

The tattoo artist offers a solution: he would do both Conway Twitty AND George Jones, one on each thigh, for only $200 with a free money-back guarantee...if she doesn't like his...

A woman who can't speak english goes to a butcher shop..

Since she can't speak english, whenever she wants a particular part of meat, she shows its human counterpart

For example, once she wanted chicken thighs, so she pointed to her thighs and the butcher understood that she wanted chicken thighs.

The other day she wanted chicken breast, so ...

I work at a fast food chain

I couldn't understand why there were slapping sounds everywhere. Only did I know they were beating their meat to Hen Thigh.

I don't think my cannibal friend likes me...

I asked him for some baked thigh meat, but he just gave me the cold shoulder

What's South of Bikini Bottom?

Thigh-land

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Thot gets a pair of tattoos.

She's looking to drum up some business so she gets Boris Johnson on one inner thigh and Donald Trump on the other. When a prospective John walks up she opens her legs and tells them if they can identify the world leaders they get a freebie. The first one is a Brit who says "That cunt on the left is ...

What hangs at a mans thigh and likes to poke holes?

A key

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna Jill said yes and lifted then lifted up her dress they had some fun but silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

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Whistling

An old man was sitting in a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando.


She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?" ...

What do you call a hitman that only shoots people under the thighs?

An asashin.

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

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A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years. One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.

"Oh, thank God! I've been alone here for so long!"

She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ....

Mary had a little skirt, with slits right up the sides and every time she crossed her legs, the boys could see her thighs! Mary had another skirt, with a slit right up the front...

She never wore that one.

I was in a shoe shop today trying out a new pair of sneakers

I said to the assistant, ‘It’s too tight’.

She said, ‘Try it with the tongue out.’

I said, ‘It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thigh!’

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

When an eel bites your thigh at the beach (at low tide)

That's a moray

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.

Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my s...

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh, but she didn’t think it looked like Elvis at all. She complained to the artist who reluctantly agreed to try to redo the tattoo in the same spot on the other leg, which the woman agreed to.

After the artist was done, the woman realize...

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I keep my pinky finger up and no elbows on the thighs when I masturbate because...

I'm a genitalman

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

Crushed a tomato in between my legs

I made pico de thigh-o

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Doctor’s checkup

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells h...

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I burnt my thighs...

So the doctor told me to take Viagra.

I asked,"Why?"

He said that it would keep the sheets off my thighs.

A chemist, physicist, and engineer found a human thigh bone.

All three of them were cannibals.

The chemist licked it, and tried to put it into water to dissolve it.

The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.

The engineer took the bone, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.

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If you were camping and woke up in the morning with vaseline between your thighs and butt crack would you tell anyone?

No? Wanna go camping?

What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?

Her nipples.

After a thorough research and survey scientists claim that the thicker your thighs,

The more snacks you can lay on your lap.

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.

I told him "the weird thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear the latest tunes playing"

He said "oh you have a severe case of spotty thigh"

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The Frog.

A guy goes into a bar, and sits down next to a gorgeous blonde. He pulls a little box out of his pocket, and sets it on the bar. The blonde looks at the box, but doesn't say anything.
After he finishes his first beer, he opens the box, and takes a frog out, and puts him on the bar. The blonde sa...

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

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[NSFW] First (And probably last) time I ever had sex.

The first time I ever had sex, I slipped it in started humping away. Bout a min goes by I notice she's shaking. Check to see if she's okay.

Shaking from laughter.

"What is it?" I say as my confidence is rapidly dropping.

"Ya-nununa Haha me"

"What!?"

"YOU'RE NOT IN ...

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

A woman goes shopping with her husband

She spots a pair of boots she loves, the husband says “no chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower into her thigh.

She turns to him and says “no chance love, i...

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs...

The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?"

She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

What Do Women And KFC Boxes Have in Common?

Once you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put the bone in.

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

My best friend's wife caught him cheating

She walked in a caught him in bed with another woman. Without hesitation, she grabbed a knife and stared slashing at him. He almost died when she sliced across his upper/inner thigh, because it nearly cut is femoral artery.

He's in the hospital now. And the police picked her up. She only got ...

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any ab...

Black guys like thick thighs

Cuz they hate apart thighs.

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

When you are finished with the breast and the thigh, you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her...

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Breasts Or Thighs?

Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts or thighs? I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy.

He just rolled his eyes and sighed. "Thighs it is." Next he asked, "Original recipe or crispy?"

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They say...

.. if you put your ear up against a strangers inner thigh, you can actually hear them saying "dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

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A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.

After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?” to which the parrot says “y...

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Dave gulped: "My...

A blonde goes to a doctor

She says “Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it!” The Doctor says “show me”. The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. “See, it’s true!” She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
“You have...

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain..

She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop..

Because her husband speaks Spanish very ...

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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

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A priest and a nun

A priest had volunteered to drive a nun back to her house after mass. At the traffic signal, he slowly placed his right hand on her knee.

“Father, remember Luke 14:10” she said.
“I apologise! I don’t know what’s gotten into me” the priest replied, feeling quite embarassed. He continued d...

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When i go down....

Jean Pierre, popularly known as JP among his friends was a fighter jet pilot of the French air force.

One day he took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. Since he wanted to be really romantic, he packed the picnic basket himself.

Hours later, JP and his girlfriend were having a g...

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An Englishwoman who marries a Frenchman goes to live in his Paris apartment

One day she goes out to buy groceries, but since she doesn't speak French and the butchers don't speak English, she rolls up her dress to indicate she wants some chicken thigh, which gets the message across.

The next week, she goes out and pulls down her top to indicate she wants chicken brea...

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A man comes home from work

A man comes home from work to the sound of sobbing coming from the bedroom so he goes upstairs to see what's going on. Upon entering the marital bedroom he finds his wife standing naked & crying in front of the full length mirror.
"Darling, what's wrong?" He asks.

His wife replies " I'...

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