UPJOKE
kneeleghipfemurpelvisanklequadricepstibiamusclesfibulagroinkneecapforearmtorsoelbow

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.

My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

And when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

A Key.

Since we’re posting old jokes….

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

What does your lateral thigh muscle have in common with a really cool kidnapper?

They're both hip abductors.

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."

In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.

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That spot between your balls and your inner thigh, y'know they call that your "groin"?

I had no idea. I went my whole life thinking people had cockpits.

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...

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What do you prefer? Breasts or Thighs?

I replied : "Personality".

Wonder why the butcher glared at me.

When an eel bites your thigh...

...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh...

It's a really weird thing, when you lay your ear on it you smell the sea.


- I hope it came off right, thats an old joke they tell in my country

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

You know who has the hottest thighs?

Rotisserie Chicken

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

What did the blonde's left thigh say to the right?

"Hi, I don't think we've met"

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I was asked if I prefer breasts or thighs. I told 'em I always go for the personality.

The butcher was confused.

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date repli...

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.

Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.



P.S. My dad told me this today.

A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"

Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"

The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony

Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

Tattoo Very High Up on the Inner Thigh

A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk skirt and points to her right inner thigh –...

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Joke told by my 90 year old grandma

A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, h...

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

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Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

A chemist, physicist, and engineer found a human thigh bone.

All three of them were cannibals.

The chemist licked it, and tried to put it into water to dissolve it.

The physicist tried to break it open to get at the marrow.

The engineer took the bone, hit the other two over the head, and ate them.

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I burnt my thighs...

So the doctor told me to take Viagra.

I asked,"Why?"

He said that it would keep the sheets off my thighs.

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh, but she didn’t think it looked like Elvis at all. She complained to the artist who reluctantly agreed to try to redo the tattoo in the same spot on the other leg, which the woman agreed to.

After the artist was done, the woman realize...

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

A Washington hooker gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...

Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."

Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

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Elvis tattoo

Women walks into tattoo shop and asks artist if he could do a portrait tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh. He says of course and they negotiate a price $500 and he gets to work.

After a few hours the artist says it’s done. Women looks at the tattoo and was not satisfied. “That’s an e...

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Breasts Or Thighs?

Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts or thighs? I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy.

He just rolled his eyes and sighed. "Thighs it is." Next he asked, "Original recipe or crispy?"

How can you tell if a guy likes Moosehead?

From the antler marks in his thighs.

Black guys like thick thighs

Cuz they hate apart thighs.

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

What does an ill person with a lisp and someone with generous thighs have in common?

They’re thick

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor to get her two favorite musicians on her inner thighs...

The tattoo artist finishes up and she is ELATED to see a picture-perfect tattoo of John Lennon on her left inner-thigh and Paul McCartney on her right.

As she walks out, she is so excited to share her new artwork that she goes up to the first person she sees; an old, homeless, wino sitting in...

What do you call a hitman that only shoots people under the thighs?

An asashin.

A guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: "Doctor, I have a problem. Put your ear next to my left thigh & listen."

Doctor does this & hears a tiny voice: "Lend me $20 please? I'll pay it back next week."

Doctor: "How strange."

Guy: That's nothing. Put your ear next to my left knee."

The doctor obeys...

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

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I keep my pinky finger up and no elbows on the thighs when I masturbate because...

I'm a genitalman

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

Husband, wife and romance

This is a story about husband and wife.So they have been married for 20 years and have two beautiful kids. In the initial years of marriage they were all over each other and as kids came , slowly the physical intimacy reduced and it's almost nil today. One day husband comes home ,he saw that wife wa...

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U.S. news......

In U.S. news, a Woman tries to cut of her lovers penis but instead she missed and cut his thigh.



She is currently being charged with a misdaweiner.

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks him what the problem is.
The man says, "I'm really not sure how to describe it. I guess the best way is for you to hold your stethoscope to my thigh and have a listen."
The doctor holds his stethoscope to the man's thigh and hears a little voice say, " Hey man, can I borrow $2...

What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?

Her nipples.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the...

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she w...

Your momma so fat

A water park hired her to sit in a wading pool and start flapping her thighs together to make waves.

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