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Brow Jokes

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high..

She looked surprised.

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

The most high brow yo 'mamma joke...

Yo mamma is so classless... she is like a Marxist utopia!

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

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There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows way too high

You should have seen the surprised look on her face

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

I told the lady at the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

Some guys are just lucky

Despite being ugly, poor and old, my neighbor manages to always bring a new young girl home from the bar every night.
I don't get it, he's not even a great conversationalist, he just sits at the bar licking his eyebrows all night.

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make...

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

A guy and his date decide to go to Lovers Lane.

It’s their third date and the guy is really excited to take things to the next level, but they’re both clearly kind of shy about it. So after they park, he asks if she wants to make out. She agrees enthusiastically, and they start kissing.

After a little bit, he pauses and says “hey, do you w...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with an iguana under his arm. The bartender says what can I get you. The man orders scotch and a beer. Upon noticing the man's drinks getting low the bartender approaches him and just gad to ask what's with the Iguana. The nan says this thing gives the best b.j's.
The bart...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

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Good Friends

Two young fellas were out for a walk one day. As they walked, they came upon a sheep farm. A little further down, they came upon a sheep with his head stuck in the fence. One of these boys, a very naughty boy, ran right over, pulled down his pants, and really fucked the hell out of this sheep. I...

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A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

Keyboard demon

Greg is sitting at his computer browing his favouriye website and a demon pops out from behind his keyboard and proclaims "for I am the almighty keyboard demon! here to steal all your keys" Greg jumps back out of his seat like a shot!

Taking advantage of this, the demon grabs the keyboard an...

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

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A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

The boss calls in his best worker for a performance evaluation.

Everything goes well but at the end of the meeting, the worker says "I think you should give me a raise. I'll have you know there are three other companies who are after me."

The boss raises his brow and asks, "Who?"

The worker replies, "Electric, Gas, and Phone.."

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

Eye’m sorry

An eyeball was looking through a movie rental store

A mouth asked him, “Sir, are you going to buy any of these?”

The eyeball replied, “Eye Brows”

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

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Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

True story.

Here is a story my dad shared with me before he passed away.

In the '30's, mail was often delivered by a silver fixed landing gear airplane to the Walnut Ridge airport. My dad and his dad was out plowing the cotton field with their only mule. A silver plane flew lazily overhead which caught...

A joke I made up

There once lived an unmarried, flamboyant, lustful king who chased women and slept with everyone in his court. The day came for him to be married, and he went to see a local lord who was rumored to have two beautiful daughters. The king went to  meet the lord and his two beautiful daughters. After l...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

The mother of a wealthy, shrewd businessman passed away.

In liquidating her assets he took a large quantity of gold jewelry to a blacksmith. On the way into the shop, he noticed a large sign near the entrance that read, “NO PRODUCTS OR ITEMS MAY BE STORED AT THE SHOP. ITEMS LEFT FOR LONGER THAN 24 HOURS BECOME PROPERTY OF JACK BLACKSMITHING!”

He to...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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Little Johnny came home after playing with his older friends.

His friends kept using adult words and making jokes. Johnny laughed, but he never understood what the words meant. He walks over to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a hooker?"

The dad, taken slightly aback by the bashful Johnny, decided he did not want Johnny to know that kind of language yet. ...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

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There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.

He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then ...

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The Firing Squad

Four gunmen are standing in the woods, recently deputized by the new regime in the budding of a civil war. Before them, a gagged and hooded prisoner on their knees, sobbing at the edge of an empty grave. Behind them, nine already filled.

The first looks nervous. "I've been counting the prison...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow?

'Sup brow?

Two elderly couples were having dinner together

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."

The other man says, "What's the name of t...

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

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Three men are joining the secret service.

They've completed every test and overcome every obstacle. Only one remains. The instructor takes the first man, brings him to a door and hands him a gun.

"Behind this door is your wife. You must prove your loyalty, your dedication to the service and your ability to follow orders, no matter wh...

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A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

City slicker rides a horse

A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. He has no experience so asks for a well trained horse. He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop". Sounding easy the man says...

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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

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Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.

"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .

Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.

"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.

"Okay, 20% now."

"And, 30%."

"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.

"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."

"Better make that 50%."

"Whoa, this isn't go...

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have ...

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge...

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A trucker is driving his regular route from St Louis to New Orleans

He’s passing through Arkansas and it’s raining buckets outside. The trucker pulls over at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere, deciding to take a short break and wait for the rain to pass. He heads inside and is greeted by the store clerk. The clerk is a dirty looking man in his mid fifties...

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Leprechuans in a Nunnery

Two leprechauns walk into a nunnery. The first leprechaun flags down a nun and asks her, "excuse me sister, Oi's just wond'rin. Would ya happen to have any nuns that're my size?" the nun replies, "noo my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man. We have no nuns here that're your size." the leprechaun t...

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Three Couples were Trying to get into a Church...

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newly-wed couple were trying to get into a church.

The pastor said, "we only have one rule to get into this church...to test your devotion to God, you have to abstain from sex for one week."

So the week passed, and the couples all came ba...

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

Blond in a chinese pet store

A blond goes inside a chinese pet store and finds a crowd of people watching an asian person starin at a fish

"Move left"

Said the asian, and the fish move left

"Move right"

Said the asian, and the fish moved right

"Jump"

And the fish jump over the fish tank...

One day a cowboy is riding in some tribal lands when he is captured by some natives...

He is thrown down on the ground before the chief, who looks at him with disgust and says, "These are our lands, for trespassing you must be sentenced to death. You can have one wish granted before we sacrifice you, what do you wish?"

The cowboy replies, "I'd like to speak with my horse."
<...

A man hears a knock at his door, and is surprised to see

a polar bear standing before him.

"Hi," says the white bear, "I'm the bear of good news. A distant relative of yours passed away a while ago, but it turns out he entrusted a large fortune to you in his will."

"Great," says the man. "Thanks for the good news."

Later, the man hear...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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There was this gentleman in Omaha

standing on the street corner.
A Young lady walks past and he says “Tickle your ass with a feather”
She goes “What?”
He calmly says “Typical Nebraska weather”
She agrees and walks on.
Another lady walks by and he states “Tickle your ass with a feather”
She says “OK”, so the...

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

Two scientists walk into a bar after work...

As they both take their seats at the bar, the first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist shakes his head and says, "I'll have a glass of water too." He then pauses and turns to the first scientist. "Wh... why did you say H2O? I mean, I know that'...

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

Came to work today with

drawn mustache...women with drawn brows called me an idiot.

Obama frees a genie

Obama frees a genie, but this is a cheap genie and he only grants him one wish. Obama furrows his brow in thought and finally comes up with the perfect single wish and starts:

"Now, let me be clear..."

<poof!> he turns into a window.

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He g...

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says "It's cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat." So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunk...

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catch...

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