Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox,

No one even raises their eyebrow.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

I told my ex that she had drawn her eyebrows on too low today

She just scowled at me the entire time

Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello."

The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...

...I couldn't tell.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

I once knew a girl with no eyebrows.

she had a hard time expressing herself.

We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?

And with this fingering I give you my hand in marriage....

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high

I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​

I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows

They are way over my head

The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise...

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high

She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.

I forgot to pluck my eyebrows while getting ready this morning.

It was an oversight.

3 fish are arrested and questioned by an officer

The officer brings the first fish in for questioning. He asks, "Alright, what's your name?" To which the first fish responds, "Fish". "Okay, Fish," the officer replies. "Can you tell me what the hell you were doing in the public fountain??" The first fish smiles and says, "I was blowing bubbles, sir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

What did one eyebrow say to the other?

H-eyebrow

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rabbi steps up to a urinal.

As he begins to urinate, a voice beside him says, "My friend, you are a Jew!"

​

Slightly surprised, he replies, "Okay, so you're some kind of genius. You see my clothing, and my..." (he gestures to his crotch) "... and you figure I'm a Jew. Please let me finish in peace!"...

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

A young man decides to get dressed up and go to the local bar

He gets a nice new suit, a haircut, a good shave, and walks into the bar feeling pretty confident. Unfortunately, all the women at the bar are giving him the cold shoulder treatment.

He looks across the bar and sees an old guy who's really fat, balding, wearing some cruddy jeans and white t-...

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day...

...where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared to all in the room:

"I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me
wrong, and I'll give ...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

Blackbeard goes into a bank...

Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says

"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."

Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.

"The standard rate? What's that mean?"

"3.14%. You know.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and so on unt...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

A man walks into a New York bar

He sits down at the end of the bar and orders three stouts. The bartender raises an eyebrow but says nothing. He serves the beers. After the second round of the same order the bartender breaks his silence.

“Wouldn’t you enjoy them more if you ordered them one after another?”

The man ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own

&#x200B;

God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones

&#x200B;

God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated ...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar that he's a regular at, and sits at the bar. As the night goes on, he tries his luck with several ladies that come and go, but can't seem to close the deal. Meanwhile, he noticed a small, unremarkable man come in early in the evening, only to leave a short while later with a g...

A beautiful woman sits down at a bar.

Throughout the night, men would approach and hit on her only to be turned away one after another. After awhile an average looking man walks into the bar, spots the woman and walks directly up to her. They talk for a few seconds, she smiles and the two of them leave together. A few of the rejected me...

The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.



The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ...

Awaiting judgement

Two women have died and are awaiting judgement. As they sit there in the waiting room, one decides to strike up a conversation.

"So how did you die?" She asks the other woman and smiles, nervous as ever. Judgment was coming after all...

The other lady sighed and figured it didn't matte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math.

The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to enco...

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lost in translation

Two businessmen travel to Japan for a meeting with some japanese partners. They arrive a few days earlier to adjust to jet lag and all. They spend the day touristing, they go to some good restaurant in the evening and they decide to visit a japanese brothel. So they enjoy themselves watching some po...

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:

"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"

"which one dad?"

"don't care, first one you see"

He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he tak...

Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first...

My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake

So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

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