An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

I told my ex that she had drawn her eyebrows on too low today

She just scowled at me the entire time

Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello."

The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

My sister started using a pencil to do her eyebrows.

It looks a little sketchy.

We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?

And with this fingering I give you my hand in marriage....

I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...

...I couldn't tell.

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

I once knew a girl with no eyebrows.

she had a hard time expressing herself.

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high

I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​

I forgot to pluck my eyebrows while getting ready this morning.

It was an oversight.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high

She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember when my son fell asleep at a house party we had. I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to change his nappy.

The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise...

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

A young man decides to get dressed up and go to the local bar

He gets a nice new suit, a haircut, a good shave, and walks into the bar feeling pretty confident. Unfortunately, all the women at the bar are giving him the cold shoulder treatment.

He looks across the bar and sees an old guy who's really fat, balding, wearing some cruddy jeans and white t-...

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

Blackbeard goes into a bank...

Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says

"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."

Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.

"The standard rate? What's that mean?"

"3.14%. You know.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and so on unt...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar that he's a regular at, and sits at the bar. As the night goes on, he tries his luck with several ladies that come and go, but can't seem to close the deal. Meanwhile, he noticed a small, unremarkable man come in early in the evening, only to leave a short while later with a g...

A man walks into a New York bar

He sits down at the end of the bar and orders three stouts. The bartender raises an eyebrow but says nothing. He serves the beers. After the second round of the same order the bartender breaks his silence.

“Wouldn’t you enjoy them more if you ordered them one after another?”

The man ch...

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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day, where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared allowed to all in the room. "I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me wrong, and I'll give you this here five thousand dollars." The room imm...

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God gave the woman...

God gave the woman beautiful eyebrows
She didn't like this, so she removed them and drew her own

&#x200B;

God gave the woman pretty nails
She disliked this, so she cut them and put artificial ones

&#x200B;

God gave the woman a pretty face
She hated ...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

A beautiful woman sits down at a bar.

Throughout the night, men would approach and hit on her only to be turned away one after another. After awhile an average looking man walks into the bar, spots the woman and walks directly up to her. They talk for a few seconds, she smiles and the two of them leave together. A few of the rejected me...

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

Awaiting judgement

Two women have died and are awaiting judgement. As they sit there in the waiting room, one decides to strike up a conversation.

"So how did you die?" She asks the other woman and smiles, nervous as ever. Judgment was coming after all...

The other lady sighed and figured it didn't matte...

A drunk comes walking down the street and stops a cop

"Man, someone stole my car" he tells the officer.
"Alright, where was it?" Asks the cop.
The drunk replies "it was right on the end of this key"
The cop looks at the drunk with an eyebrow raised and says, "well why don't you come down to the precinct house with me and we'll get all of the...

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Lost in translation

Two businessmen travel to Japan for a meeting with some japanese partners. They arrive a few days earlier to adjust to jet lag and all. They spend the day touristing, they go to some good restaurant in the evening and they decide to visit a japanese brothel. So they enjoy themselves watching some po...

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

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Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math.

The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to enco...

Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

The Irishman and the three beers.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.



The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ...

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first...

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

My girlfriend started crying because I called her fake

So I wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

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So a cowboy had a party to go to

Upon finishing his work on friday, he goes back to his house and tells his kid:

"get a horse ready, Im in a hurry"

"which one dad?"

"don't care, first one you see"

He takes a shower and rushes out to mount the horse for the trek, since he figures he's running late, he tak...

A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar

Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there licking his eyebrows."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, ...

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).

The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to sp...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.

When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me ou...

Fish goes to doctor

Fish goes to doctor. Doctor says, "Hello, sir. What brings you in today?"


The fish replies, "Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure."


The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says...

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?


"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”

The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”

“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a mov...