I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

she looked surprised

My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are

I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject

Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

My friend was born without eyebrows.

When I finally noticed after years of friendship he wasn't surprised.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

Einstein walks into an bar with his brother, Eduard, a frequenter of the bar.

Once in the bar, Eduard sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Einstein does too.
The English bartender sees Einstein and says 'Who're you? I haven't seen you here before."
Eduard, in broken English, responds "This is Albert Einstein. He is brother."
The bartender raises an eyebrow....

I told my ex that she had drawn her eyebrows on too low today

She just scowled at me the entire time

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me five shots of vodkas."

The bartender brings the drinks, raises an eyebrow and empathetically asks, "What up, man. Rough day?"

The man downs his first shot and says, "Just found out my eldest son is gay. I ain't prejudice, but I was raised how I was raised. I just need a bit of spirit to accept it."

Two night...

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

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a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] SSW

Three generations of women go to their annual checkup at the gynecologist.

First up is the youngest, the doc does the default checks and tells her that everything is fine, she just wants to know how often she has sex. She replies: "SSW". The doc is confused and asks her what SSW means and her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, tired after a long days work, walks into a bar.

He doesn't see any menus, signage, or anything to indicate a price for the products behind the bar. So, he asks the bartender. "How much for a beer?"

The bartender looks to the ceiling for a moment, before replying. "One dollar and it comes with your choice of twelve top shelf bottles."
...

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Sex Therapists

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is
so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
ag...

Nice Comeback

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from Getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.." He raised an eyebrow and replied,
If you weren't so ugly ...

A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini

The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"

The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

Guy goes into a bar trying to pick a woman...

He moves from table to table chatting up the ladies, but nobody is interested.

Then at the back of the room, he sees a dude sitting there with girls all around him, laughing, and hugging him, hanging on his every word, giggling at his every joke.

Later he sees that guy in the bathroo...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle", he said.

"You may pass through the ...

I shaved off a friends eyebrows a couple weeks ago, he was surprised apparently...

...I couldn't tell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Settling The Ultimate Debate (LONG, OC)

Jerry didn't really like his name, but it could have been much worse. He could have been named after his father Zorelle. Jerry had a dyslexic brother named Dave who worshipped Christopher Reeve and loved quoting the old Superman movies.

One day while in quarantine, Jerry was up early browsin...

Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello."

The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise...

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

Belle was in the psych ward a was trying to convince the doctor to let her out.

She said “I shouldn’t be in here! Everyone agrees with me.” He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “Everyone? You’re alone in here.” Belle gestures around, “Everyone, you know, the tables and chairs, the clock all of them think I should go free.”

We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?

And with this fingering I give you my hand in marriage....

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high

She told me she's tired of my repost BS and divorced me. It was definitely a surprise.

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

Separate but equal is a terrible policy for education..

But perfect for eyebrows!

inspired by the girl who was surprised after drawing her eyebrows too high

I tried to tell this foreign exchange student that she drew one of her eyebrows higher than the other, but I don't think her English was very good because she looked confused ​

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

I once knew a girl with no eyebrows.

she had a hard time expressing herself.

I can't follow these instructions on how to apply fake eyebrows

They are way over my head

A guy walks into a coffeeshop.

When it’s his turn in line he says, “I’d like a dark roast.”

A gothic barista with thick eyeliner, a flaming skull tattoo, and an eyebrow ring looks at him dead in the eye and in a deadpan voice:

“Your mother is so severely comatose that not even Evanescence can wake her up inside.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inventor

So there is an inventor who is walking into a patent office, when he gets there he puts an apple on the table.

"I want to patent this" he said

The other guy looked at him, confused.

"I'm pretty sure you can't patent a normal apple, is this a joke?"

"Taste it," he said
...

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