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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

What does a goat without lips say?

"eh, eh, eh"

McDonalds recently canceled their plans for the sandwich made entirely from beef lips.

It was gonna be called the McJagger.

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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Ever wondered why most guys end up with chicks with fake tits and fake lips?

Because even though there's plenty of fish in the sea there's also a lot of plastic.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

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Eyes wide with fear, lips trembling, I pleaded, “Doctor! I accidentally ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die!?”

Reflectively, the doctor replied, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

I shot back hysterically, "Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?!"

Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

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My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him...

... For he had tulips.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

You know, they say loose lips sink ships...

That explains why your mom was kicked out of the Navy after visiting her OB/GYN.

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Hell, I did't want to know how hot dogs were made. But I went to the factory anyway. Turns out, hot dogs are just stuffed with lips and assholes.

Now I eat turkey dogs... because lips are disgusting.

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

Hey, this girl keeps staring at my lips whenever I’m talking, I think she wants to kiss me

Never mind she’s deaf and she’s trying to lip read

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Did you know what when you say "poop", your lips move in the same direction your asshole does when you shit?

Well, same can be said with explosive diarrhea.

How can you tell if Trump is lying? His lips move. How can you tell if Clinton is lying?

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A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”

He said, “lipstick.”

What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

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A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He...

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

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A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

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Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.

Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

I saw a guy with horribly burned lips and chin gingerly sipping his tea

He was a hipster. He said he enjoyed his tea before it was cool.

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

All your mom wants this mother's day is something big and between her lips

A smile.

A beautiful girl who was staying in the hotel, puts her finger on hotel manager's lips

Manager smiles, kisses each finger one by one..

Girl: U liked it ?

Manager: Oh yeah !!

Girl: Now go and tell your boss that there is no tissue in the toilet !!

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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Does your wife have dry lips?

Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips

A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off.

They called it neigh-balm.

The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

My buddy Jacque is a real ladies man.

He's tall, handsome, confident, and as if that wasn't enough, he's a fighter pilot.

Je makes it look so easy. He just walks up to this beauty at the bar and says in this sultry french accent "Hello, my name is Jacque, I am a fighter pilot." And she grabs him and drags him out of the bar and ...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

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