Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

It really saddens me that police officers are so underpaid they have to take second jobs...

This lovely young officer pulled me over for drunk driving and is just going back to his car to get the stuff needed for a 'Cavity search'. Police officer and a dentist. What a hard working man.

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Three couples are waiting in line to interview with St. Peter, hoping to get into Heaven....

St. Peter looks in his records & says to the first man “hmm. This doesn’t look good. I see here you were a very greedy man. So greedy in fact that you married this woman here just because her name is Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

Saddened, they walk away and the next couple w...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

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An ugly man is sitting alone in a bar when suddenly a beautiful woman approaches him.

The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?"

The man is stunned as he never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.

They both get into his car and drive out past the edge of town. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.

Wit...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

A 15 year old boy saves the world.

A 15 year old boy makes a fresh new campaign to save the world from global warming. The movement is a huge success, with almost 100% of rubbish removed from the oceans, and succeeding in righting lumberjacks' and factory owners' ways, cutting down greenhouse gas emmision and forest cutting by around...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis. (Kind of long)

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

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Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

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A guy desperately wants to meet the pope.

A guy desperately wants to meet the pope. He travels to the Vatican and stands in the plaza waiting for the pope to appear. The pope walks right past him. Disappointed, he thinks 'I have to stand out! I have to look good so the pope sees me!' He goes to the finest tailor in Italy and gets the works....

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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Wholesome and hopefully original

One day, a saddened middle aged man was walking out of a liquor store with 2 bottles of whiskey in each hand, carried by the neck of the bottles.

A younger man noticed the other man's expression and walked up to him, and without a word, placed his own hands underneath the bottles of whiskey ...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

A Christian Farmer is overjoyed to see his cow is pregnant

Not being in need; he plans raise the cow and sell the procedes for pure profit

Time passes and the cow ultimately gives birth to two calves.

The Farmer is even happier! Rejoicing and Thanking the Lord.

He tells his wife, "God has been so gracious to us, when I sell these two ca...

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the ...

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A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.

The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Chr...

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

3 Men die and go to heaven...

3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."
First ma...

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

Each Man Gets One Wish...

Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau are walking along the path outside the Ottawa Parliament, when they come across a lantern in their path. Upon picking it up, a a cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, to their amazement, there's a Genie!

The Genie says, "As there are three ...

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

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A well-endowed man has a 25-inch penis...

But it is too much for the ladies. So you goes to a doctor saying, "Doc, you got to help me. I have a 25-inch penis but it is too big. I need to make it smaller. What can I do?"

The doctor tells him, "Listen, I can't do anything for you, but rumor has it that there is a talking frog in the fo...

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

A boss calls one of his workers into his office

He tells the worker "I've been working for a long time in the joke making business but I have never seen such funny jokes come out of some people so quickly." The worker agrees hoping for a promotion or even a raise. "But that does have it's drawbacks" continued the boss "the staplers and hole punch...

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

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A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

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A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night...

...comes across an inebriated fellow, stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar. He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming . "Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?"

"Oh officer," says the souse, " Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody...

A bank CEO goes to Russia on a business trip.

While touring around Moscow, he gets into a nice restaurant. After ordering his food, he sees a beautiful woman sitting in the bar, looking at him. They start making eye-contact and eventually the CEO invites her over, being the nice gentleman he is. She accepts the invite and sits across the table....

A boy was asking out a girl when she replied to his affection with the line "I love you too, but like a brother!"

Saddened by her apparent refusal, he started walking away, until the girl said, "Wait. from where I'm from, that's good."

Confused, the boy asked, "Well, where is that?"

"Alabama."

An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I’m afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the...

A couple had 100 children.

They decided to name each of them by numbers (1, 2, 3, 4).

Many years later, they grew up and went on to lead their own lives. Some ended up finding love and/or having children, like 90, who had 3 kids.

The 3 kids wanted to have a pet, but their mother hated pets, so they decided to se...

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A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

God wrote an email....( kinda long )

So apparently god decided recently to check up on the earth and see how things were going. God summoned one of his angels. God told the angel to go down to earth and evaluate how humanity was doing. After several months the angel returns and reports that about 95% of humanity isn’t really following ...

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The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.

Eva was not conten...

A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, we do not serve plums." The penguin says thanks and leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, once again, we do not serve pl...

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"
The second one says "I'll have some water too, but you do realise you don't have to use the chemical term outside if the lab, right?"
The first scientist excuses himself to the bathroom, where he cries for a good give minutes, saddened because his murder...

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NSFW My son in law...

a deli owner is also a very proud father of a daughter. His daughter is the first in the family to be accepted into an ivy league university, not bad for people who live above their deli. The only thing he worries about is his daughter can't seem to find a man.

One night he hears a sound do...

An engineer, a doctor and a priest were playing golf.

A foursome was playing ahead of them and each man had his own personal ball spotter lining them up and then taking them to their ball.

The game was moving extremely slow and the men were starting to become annoyed.

The head golf pro showed up to see how the men were doing. The priest...

A woman had quintuplets.

Not being a creative type, she named them after her various senses. As the children grew up, they maintained a good relationship; very few other people wouldn't tease them about their names. Naturally, the children excelled in different areas; Touch, for example, was great at History, and Sight was ...

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...

He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.

Every Tuesday for fifty years this man wou...

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Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell y...

A dog comes upon a set of train tracks

As the pup crosses the tracks a train comes by and runs over the dogs tail, causing the tip of his tail to fall off.

Saddened by his loss, the dog turn around to sniff his lost appendage.

As he is sniffing his tail another train comes by and cuts his head off.

The end.
...

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The Mexican Restaurant.

I was working in South Texas on the border, and my coworker and I decided to drive in to Mexico to watch an authentic bullfight. It was in a small, semi-pro ring. We watched amateurs and semi pro matadors fighting, and actually killing, the bulls. It was brutally fascinating. The final fight was...

My friend died from diarrhea

It saddened me to watch him go

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There was an old man on his front porch drinking a glass of whiskey.

The man's grandson opened the front door and said "hey grandpa! Can I have some?". "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the man. "No" said the boy. The old man said "well that means you can't have any."

The next day, the man was out on his front porch again smoking a Cuban cigar. Out com...

Haven't seen this one in long enough

Guy goes to a bar and gets 3 shots on christmas every year. Bartender asks why. He says he has 2 brothers in different countries and they all go to a bar on christmas and get 3 shots and drink on behalf of eachother. One year he comes and orders 2 shots. The bartender saddened by this asks the man i...

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Canoe

Three explorers - a preacher, a poet and a banjo player - are lost in the jungle and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three they will be sacrificed to provide skins for the tribal canoes - and because this is such an important and sacred ritual, each of them can make...

North Dakota

A dairy farmer from South Dakota had a favorite dairy cow. She was old, and one day she passed away. Saddened, but wanting another cow to give his family milk he sought out another cow in the local paper.

He found a listing from a dairy farmer in North Dakota a few hours away, and made arrang...

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A young boy wanted to become a farmer.

A young boy wanted to become a farmer. An established farm owner took the boy under his wing to teach him all that he knew. Once the boy finished his initial training, the owner gave the boy a very special seed.

“You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure ...

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If you had what he had, you'd do it too.

A well-dressed man runs into a bar and says to the bartender in a hurried voice, "Quick! I need 7 shots of your best, top shelf whiskey as fast as you can pour it!" The bartender grabs some 12-year-old bourbon and pours it into 7 shot glasses. The man downs all of the shots, one after the other. ...

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The Magic Ring

Once there was this man who had an extremely small penis and was forever unhappy about what he had been born with. One day he was walking through town when he came upon a small store that said True Magic and Wishes. Looking like a rather strange and interesting shop the man entered the store and wal...

THE POPE AND A ATTORNEY ARE AT THE ELEVATOR

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply sadd...

Engineering

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer are out golfing one day. To their dismay, they are stuck behind a very very slow threesome of men who cannot hit the ball in the right direction no matter what they do. The doctor flags over the course owner and asks him why these guys are so terrible, and if it w...

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A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter...

The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.

The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."

The two met in face to face while othe...

A Letter from Heaven

I read this one almost a decade ago, surprisingly, I still remember it. Here goes:

One day in Heaven, God saw the Earth and became saddened by all the news of crimes, wars, and strife. He became disappointed with the prominence of evil in the world, and called forth some angels and told the...

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It's the girl's heart surgery today.

BOY: Is your heart surgery today?

GIRL: Yeah.

BOY: Just remember that I LOVE YOU so much.

GIRL: I LOVE YOU more. Thank you.

After the heart surgery, the girl was saddened to see only her father who was sitting beside her as she woke up

GIRL: Dad, where is he?
...

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A Turkish joke.

Temel decides to move to Germany by himself to work in a factory and make some money for his family. Months pass by and one day, he receives a letter saying his wife has passed away and he should return to attend her funeral.

He flies back home to find the towns folk crying outside his house....

Lawyer Joke

The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist re...

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Sopranos Jokes

Here are two pretty good jokes from the HBO television series:


A rich man and a poor man are friends. Every year they go Christmas shopping for their wives and every year meet up and get dinner afterwards.

At dinner the poor man asks the rich man "So, what'd you get for your wife ...

The Titanic and mayonnaise

What a lot of people don't know about the Titanic was that it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise to Mexico. In fact, the Mexican people were overjoyed to be receiving this fine delicacy.

Sadly, as we all know, the Titanic tragically sank, sending its many tons of mayonnaise to the bo...

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