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Farted Jokes

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

My dad farted on an elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.

Chuck Norris has farted only once in his life.

It was during a vacation to the Sahara forest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.

as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.

with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 o...

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

I farted in my church’s confession booth

I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted. Tried to S*** but Only farted.

Until one day, I took a chance.
Tried to Fart, and S*** my Pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

I farted at work the other day…

and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong ins...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

I farted in the bus today and four people turned around..

I felt like I was on The Voice.

How can you tell if a cow farted

Its Dairy Air

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

On Sunday, I farted in church

I had to sit in my own pew

What did Steve Jobs say when he farted?

ifarted

I farted in an elevator full of people, but no one reacted

It must have been a noble gas.

What did the Judge say when the Lawyer farted?

Odor Odor

So my girlfriend farted...

And she said, we've got to get Trump on the line, I'm Pootin.

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a jewelry store farted.....

.....while bending over looking at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks around embarrassed and see the salesman standing behind her. Totally professional he say " Good day madam how may I help u?" Hoping maybe he hadn't heard her accident she ask, " Sir what's the price for this lovely ring?" He answ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sneezed so hard I farted.

Nobody could hear it because of the sneeze. And I thought “sometimes things work out”. Then I realized I'd shit my pants.

My 5 year old farted last night, and I said “ewww, you farted!”

He said “it was the asphalt, Dad”!

True story.

Which number farted?

Two did.

I farted a joke.

It smelled funny.

Without a sound, my dad just farted...

He said it was silent but dadly

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...

Two pharaohs farted at the same time.

They had a toot in common.

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