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Intestine Jokes

My wife told me there was something wrong with her intestines

I asked her how did she know?
She told me she didn't, it was just a gut feeling.

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

Didja hear the ones about intestines?

They're just offal

Did you hear about the cannibal who made a belt out of a man's intestines?

What a waist of food.

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

What do you call an intestine that's been partially removed?

A semicolon!

My English teacher had part of his intestines removed

Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon

Why don't you heart, lungs and intestines get mixed up?

Because they are organised

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

I told my wife, “Did you know our next door neighbor was in a hospital and had half of his intestines removed?”

Her: Is he in a coma?

Me: No, a semi colon.

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Sometime I get so sick of my large intestine.

It always gives me shit.

Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

The Greek learned you could avoid pregnancies by using sheep intestines.

The English later learned it also works if you remove it from the sheep first.

Why don’t people like eating intestines?

It’s offal!

Half a large intestine...

...would be a semicolon.

What do you call it when your intestines start protesting?

A bowel movement.

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.

Edit: Grammar should have used a semi-colon

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

It took guts to buy the new iPhone X

Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.

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What do you call a detective without his intestines?

No Shit Sherlock

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An intestine claimed to have a higher IQ than the brain.

But the intestine was full of shit.

One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines.

It tasted offal.

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

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In the mid-1200s, the Arabs found that women would not become pregnant if a sheep intestine was placed around the penis during sex.

When the practice came to Europe, it was immediately discovered that the intestine should first be removed from the sheep.

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

Your intestines are 6.5 m long, that means that if you'd line them up next to a bus...

...you'd die.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re making sausage at a sausage factory, and everyone has better looking intestines to pack the sausage in than you?

A wurst casing scenario

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Tom and George like to hunt.

At the beginning of deer season Tom and George took a week off work and together headed to their favorite spot to hunt. On the first night, Tom drops a ten point buck and they go ahead and cut it open to make some deer stew and beans.

Well Tom is kind of a jokester and knew that George would...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

Did you know?

If you took a man's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.

A dying man

A man is driving to meet a friend at her house, a pretty girl whom he has a crush on. He plans to ask her on a date. He's having second thoughts and is beyond nervous. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler slams into the side of his car, totalling it and nearly killing him.

Around the operating table, surg...

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Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.


Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

Apparently Muslims invented the condom.

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

If you drink vodka with ice

It will wreck your appendix

If you drink whisky with ice it will kill your liver

If you drink Tequila with ice it will ruin your intestines...

Apparently, ice is bad for you!

I had a stomach ache...

My SO asked what's wrong,
I said "I have a clog in my intestines"
she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

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saving your skin

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are travelling the wilds of Africa, when they are captured by a tribe of savages. They are tied to a tree and the chief comes up to them.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do: we'll cut you all the way open, pull out your intestines to make sausages, and we...

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These guys are going hunting

They're sitting around a campfire drinking and drinking. They go out and kill a deer, they bring it back to clean and gut it. They drink some more. A little while later one of the guys stands up, and says, "I've got to take a shit." So he goes off into the woods but doesn't come back for a while. Hi...

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Two men are on a hunting trip

The drive up north was long and excruciating, and there were no rest stops, so when they get to their camp, they’re already extraordinarily tired. However, they only have two days, so they figure they should start right away.

The men split up and wait for deer for several hours. The first ma...

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

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3 Friends decided to go hunting together

Later, as the day darkens, they lay down their tents and settle down around a fire. After eating and chatting for a while, one of the hunters gets tired, and goes to sleep.

Half an hour later, one of the two awake hunters gets an idea.

"You know what would be really funny? We still hav...

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🇨🇦 Man goes to doctor,,, says dddddoctor ppplease ffffix mmyy ssssttutering pppproblem.

Doc says ok we’re running some tests
Thththaanx dddoc
Doc comes back in and says, we found the problem, your dicks too long and it’s pulling on your intestines which is pulling vocal chords, causing you to stutter- the solution is to take 6” out of the middle of your penis!
Ggggeeee dddoc i...

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NSFW A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island..

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island when they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The chief delivers good and bad news to the three men. "The bad news is you men will be killed, we will eat your intestines and we will use your skin for our canoes. The good news ...

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that...

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Cow

Small poor family of four lived on the edge of forest.
Samll house, small garden, no work and only a cow that really supported the family.
One day father walks out the house and sees yard full of blood, intestines and a head on the porch.
- Oh my god, I can't support my family any more, ...

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A hunting party prank

Three hunters return to their camp with a freshly killed deer. They set about to prep it, when one of them tells the others, "I'll be right back; nature calls."

The other two continue their work, and after a long time has passed, they get worried and decide to check on their partner. The head...

My 14yo son asked me what a corset was.

I told him a corset was like a cassette except instead of playing music, it squishes ladies intestines together.
My 8yo daughter then added, "That's why they have undigested babies."

(true story)

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

By the grace of god

A woman suffered her husbands loud, rancid, and long-winded morning farts long enough. She warned him on multiple occasions that he’s going to fart his guts out one day. With thanksgiving approaching, she hatched a plan. She woke up at 4 am thanksgiving morning to prepare for that nights dinner. Aft...

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

She is caught in the crossfire during a drive-by shooting. She's rushed to hospital and given a scan immediately. The sonographer gives her the results.

"It seems that you've been very lucky. A bullet has lodged in the intestines of each of your children, but all three appear healthy. We wil...

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out a...

A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircr...

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Jack and Albert go camping

They find a suitable place for the camp and settle things down.

Jack says:"Im going to take a shit real quick".

"Okay,then I'm going to hunt a deer for dinner." Albert replies.

An hour passes and Albert is back from hunting and Jack is nowhere to be seen.Albert looks around.for ...

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A blond, a brunette and a red head go hiking...

and they decide to pull a prank on the blond. They go out and find a rabbit and gut it. The wait until the blond is going to take a crap and throw the rabbit intestines under the blond and run, trying to hold in their laughter. A couple minutes later they hear a blood curdling scream and soon after ...

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed,

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”

The husband only made f...

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

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An old couple had been married for many years. They loved each other very much, but there was one thing which had been annoying the woman through all the the years:

Every morning when they woke up, her husband would let out the nastiest wet and loud farts.

Over the years she had asked with him to stop, or at least wait till he got to the toilet, but no matter how much she pleaded with him, he still refused to change his ways.

Finally she decided t...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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Two hunters bag a deer...

Dave starts butchering, and Bob says he'll be right back after he takes a dump. He walks into the trees, and hangs his butt over a log. About twenty minutes later, Dave realizes Bob is napping on his crapper, and decides to play a joke. He slips around his friend, and dumps some bloody deer intestin...

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[long] A man comes home from the bar everynight and...

shits his pants while sleeping. His wife says to him, "One of these nights you're going to come home and shit your guts out."
The husband dismisses her with a wave and falls to sleep.

The next night he comes home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to pass out on the couch before he could head...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

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Hunting Trip

Four guys were out hunting. Three of the guys were completely healthy. One guy, Art, had diarrhea the whole trip. When they got to there hunting site, Art picked one tree to shit on the whole time. When his buddies finally got a deer, he wasn't there. He was shitting. So they cleaned the carcass and...

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A woman was at the bar of a Mexican restaurant one night...

...when she saw a much younger man enter with some of his friends.

She went over to strike up a conversation with him. Though she was pushing 40, she was very attractive, and she could tell this barely 21-year-old man was into her. So she suggested that they go back to her place. The young...

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

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Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.

Some time passed, and one of...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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Bills wife asks him to take her brother bob hunting with him

But bill knows bob has narcolepsy, but he does it anyway. Well bill takes bob out to the place where they will be hunting, he hands bob his rifle and tells him you go to the top of that hill and I'll go to the top of this hill. If you shoot and kill a deer I'll help you bring it out, and if I kill a...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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