UPJOKE
reflexiveautomaticinvoluntaryreactionresponsevomitstartlestimulusimpulsegag reflexactgulpwindshivershake

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The girl in the bar didn't believe me when i bragged that my cock can really test her gag reflex..

Back in my place, She immediately puked when she smelled it...

I have cat-like reflexes.

When I see a cat, I instantly like it.

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

To the people without a gag reflex

Hope you don't choke on it

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

Went to to the doctor the other day to check my reflexes

Now he's suing me for assault because I made him infertile

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.

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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

My girlfriend told me she had no gag reflex

So I broke up with her, it's a shame to see a talent like that go to waste.

I asked the doctor why he was checking my reflexes?

Just for kicks.

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I've got my girlfriend working on her gag reflex...

...I haven't got a big dick or anything, she just throws up when she sees me naked

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

When I said I wanted a girlfriend with no gag reflex...

I didn't mean no sense of humor...

What do human reflexes and Nate's dinner have in common?

They're both innate.

I told my deaf friend that people with poor hearing also tend to have poor reflexes.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that."

Why is the tower of Pisa leaning?

Because it has better reflexes than the trade centers

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

An alcoholic sees a blonde nurse

An alcoholic walks into a nurses office. The blonde nurse asks "What seems to be the problem?". So the alcoholic says "I've been having a rough, scratchy feeling in my throat lately". She asks "Well that do you mostly eat and drink?". He replies "Mostly scotch". The alcoholic sees the nurses' eyes w...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

I was going to make an acute joke about right angles

But it was just a reflex.

Dentist : "open wide"

My wife with her reflex : "i am tired and sleepy"

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

&nbsp;

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

Every time some one around me makes a joke I want to throw up,

I guess you could call it a gag reflex

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

Whenever someone hits me, i pee myself

Weird reflex but ok

Dr. Feelgood

I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.

Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound s...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through a park...

They passed three women sitting on a bench each eating a banana. All three women greeted Sherlock Holmes "Good afternoon Mr. Holmes." and Sherlock acknowledged each woman with a nod and a smile.

When they were some distance away, Dr. Watson turned to him and asked "Sherlock do you know thos...

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

Let me tell you a little about myself...

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'...

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A man is having terrible headaches

A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doc...

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

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A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments.

For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

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A man is driving along and sees a lawyer on the side of the road...

...thinking he'll do the world a favor, he jerks the wheel and runs over the lawyer as he drives by. Further down the road he sees another man along the side of the road and as he gets closer he realizes it's a priest and that he's in need of help. At this point he decides to keep his public service...

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One of my favorites.

A man shows up at a hospital with 2 severely burnt ears. The doctor asks, "What happened?" And the man said, "I was ironing when I heard my phone ring. Because of my reflexes, I put the iron to my ear." And the doctor asks, "Then how did you burn the other ear?" The man angrily exclaims, "That son o...

Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...

I didn't trip

I was testing the floors reflexes!

There once was an old lady who swallowed a battery,

She got acid reflex.

An elderly woman was driving through thick fog...

... and could barely see more than one car in front of her and couldn't see the road anywhere after. She already had slow reflexes, so she decided that to be safe, she would stay close to the car in front of her and use their taillights to stay on the road.

She does this for a little while, ...

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