My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

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A guy dines alone…

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward...

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

To the people without a gag reflex

Hope you don't choke on it

I was alone in a room with a middle aged man when he gave me gag reflexes

God I hate dentists

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's.

I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.

I asked the doctor why he was checking my reflexes?

Just for kicks.

I was going to make an acute joke about right angles

But it was just a reflex.

My girlfriend told me she had no gag reflex

So I broke up with her, it's a shame to see a talent like that go to waste.

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I've got my girlfriend working on her gag reflex...

...I haven't got a big dick or anything, she just throws up when she sees me naked

What do human reflexes and Nate's dinner have in common?

They're both innate.

I told my deaf friend that people with poor hearing also tend to have poor reflexes.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that."

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Dentist : "open wide"

My wife with her reflex : "i am tired and sleepy"

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Every time some one around me makes a joke I want to throw up,

I guess you could call it a gag reflex

Dr. Feelgood

I was using this new telemed procedure with my General Practitioner this morning and he wanted to give me a routine physical. Everything was going just fine and dandy until he showed me how to test my reflexes by tapping on his knee with a little hammer.

Unfortunately, I only had a 15-pound s...

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

Why is the tower of Pisa tilted?

Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

&nbsp;

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

Whenever someone hits me, i pee myself

Weird reflex but ok

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through a park...

They passed three women sitting on a bench each eating a banana. All three women greeted Sherlock Holmes "Good afternoon Mr. Holmes." and Sherlock acknowledged each woman with a nod and a smile.

When they were some distance away, Dr. Watson turned to him and asked "Sherlock do you know thos...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests...

Let me tell you a little about myself...

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments.

For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

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[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

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A man is driving along and sees a lawyer on the side of the road...

...thinking he'll do the world a favor, he jerks the wheel and runs over the lawyer as he drives by. Further down the road he sees another man along the side of the road and as he gets closer he realizes it's a priest and that he's in need of help. At this point he decides to keep his public service...

I didn't trip

I was testing the floors reflexes!

Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...

There once was an old lady who swallowed a battery,

She got acid reflex.

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One of my favorites.

A man shows up at a hospital with 2 severely burnt ears. The doctor asks, "What happened?" And the man said, "I was ironing when I heard my phone ring. Because of my reflexes, I put the iron to my ear." And the doctor asks, "Then how did you burn the other ear?" The man angrily exclaims, "That son o...

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