My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!” she cackled.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm d...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.

In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."

Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

The IRS agent is dumb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have I told you about the time I met the woman with the biggest pussy in the world? NSFW Long

So I’m in this bar minding my own business when a ‘lady of the night’ approaches me and gives me an offer I can’t refuse.

So next thing ya know we’re in the bathroom and she says:

‘I have to warn you, I have a pretty big sausage wallet.”

“Uhhm okay” I reply, wondering what I’v...

A woman had 20 children

A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Trump die in a plane crash

They go up to the pearly gates to be judged. Each of them finds himself standing in front of a huge oak door. Then a voice booms out, "George Bush, you have led a sinful life, now this will be your punishment throughout all eternity."

They Bush's door creaks open and an ugly old witch comes o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird i...

A girl married a man who only had one foot…

The next day, her mother called her and asked, "My dear, what do you think about marriage?"

Her daughter replied, "Oh, it's real splendid, even though he only has one foot!"

Her mom cackled, "You're so lucky! When I married your dad, he only had one inch!"

[Long] The Genie's Experience. (Taken from r/WritingPrompts but works on r/Jokes)

"And now, for your final experience!" Exclaimed the genie, throwing his arms wide and his chest out. Before him, an elderly man stood, his fingers still clutches around the lamp. And though wrinkles cut into the man's face, and wisps of grey hair danced around his temple, the genie was his senior by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old lady at the bus stop

So I was at the bus stop and there was an old, very ugly little lady standing there with a parrot on her shoulder. She saw me and cackled "Boy, if you can tell which animal I have on my shoulder, I will take you home and fuck your brains out."

I thought for a moment and replied "Uhh... an el...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Missionaries...

Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants.

Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were watching some Show jumping.

She looked at one of the horses and cackled, "Look at the cock on that thing!"

I said, "Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."

The Third Wish

An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had to walk to work one day...

....which meant she had to walk past a new pet store.

As she passed it a huge parrot on display in the front window squawked out to her

"HEY LADY! You are SURE AS UGLY!"

The woman was offended and mortified but continued her way.

At the end of the day she passed it again...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.