I used to cough in public to hide my farts

But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

How can you tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

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Why do farts smell bad?

Because they've been through a lot of shit.

I just farted on my wallet



Now I got gas money.

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Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

What do you call a cow’s fart?

Dairy air.

Don't fart inside an apple store.

Because they don't have windows.

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out

I guess that's mustard gas.

Some people might say that fart jokes are immature

But I assure you, there's a methane to the madness

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

Cow farts come from

The dairy air.

I'll see myself out.

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A man can fart in 100 different ways.

Quite the arse-enal.

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

What did one pharaoh say to the other when they both farted?

We have a toot in common.

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Love is just like fart. If you have to force it,

it's probably shit.

When I was a kid, every time my dad farted he denied it.

It wasn't until years later that I realized he had been gaslighting me.

When is a fart joke acceptable?

When it doesn't stink!

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?


Amber Heard.

(fallout joke) Why do synths fart so fast?

-they were made by the insta-toot! (institute)

(i made my GF laugh she just started playing it)

With losing your sense of smell from COVID-19 being a symptom, I no longer call it farting in a crowded elevator.

I call it a free COVID-19 test

I farted inside of the Apple Store

Everyone had to evacuate the building cuz there were no windows

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

A couple are at the church when the wife whispers into the husband's ear "I just let out a silent fart. What do I do?"

He responds:









"Get your ears checked"

Hookers don't fart

They let out prosti-toots

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

My pet duck farts all the time and curses like a sailor

He’s very fowl

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?

A pun is a shift of wit.

Kids are like farts...

You can only tolerate your own.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

What do you call a caveman's fart?

A blast from the past.

Yesterday I farted in a lift.

It was wrong on so many levels.

Farted on the bus today & four people turned around...

Felt like I was on the voice

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A drunk man is at a bar and says that he can fart the Star Spangled Banner... (Nsfw)

The bartender says "go ahead!"

The man stands on the bar completely naked and proceeds to shit all over the bar.

The bartender says "What the hell did you do that for?"

The drunk then says "C'mon! Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before a performance!"

What's the difference between evaporation and farting after a curry?

Evaporation is when a liquid becomes a gas....

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

It used to be you would cough to cover a fart.

Now in the age of COVID, you fart to cover a cough!

What color was the wet fart?

Shart-treuse

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You know, farts are kinda like prostitutes.

You should never trust them, they feel really good while its happening but the aftermath is almost always where you get in trouble.

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

What do you call a farting hooker?

A prostiTOOT

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

How did the man learn how to fart loudly?

He watched a toot-torial

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What do you call it when s prostitute farts?

A prosti-toot

Without a sound, my dad just farted...

He said it was silent but dadly

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

I treat my woman like how I treat a fart

I don't let them out

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Jokes have a lot in common with farts...

If you have to try too hard, it's probably shit.

Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

Did you know that there are multiple types of roads that can fart?

Though most people assume that it's asphalt.

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Whenever I fart, I let people know that that's my thoughts on the matter.

I'm just giving them my two scents.

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How does a duck fart?

Out of its butt quack

If two pharaoh's farts sound the same...

Do they have a Tutankhamun?

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor!

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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You should never hold in a fart...

It travels up your spine and into the brain, and this is where crappy ideas come from.

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The farting Baron

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits c...

How can you tell if a clown has just farted?

They smell funny!

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I sneezed so hard I farted.

Nobody could hear it because of the sneeze. And I thought “sometimes things work out”. Then I realized I'd shit my pants.

When passing wind, farting if you will, in a sitting position, are you left cheek dominate or right cheek dominate?

In otherwords, which way do you lean?

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up, he let's a horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

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A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a...

Mr Johnson walked into a doctor's office and said, "My farts never smell."

"Okay", said the doctor. "Fart for me." So Mr. Johnson gave a very loud fart.

The doctor left the office and came back with a very long pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson was terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?" he asked.

"I'm going to open the window," said...

As a kid, fart jokes are always funny...

But as an Adult, for a fart joke to be funny it needs more substance.

So my girlfriend farted...

And she said, we've got to get Trump on the line, I'm Pootin.

What do you call it when you try to hold in a sneeze but fart instead?

A Substi-toot

I was waiting in line at the cheese counter at the local grocery store today when I had to fart.

After ripping a silent one the guy in front of me asks the lady behind the counter which cheese smells such aromatically.

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

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Fart Joke

A guy goes to Japan for business and his Japanese hosts take him out and show him a good time. The next day he wakes up and as usual needs to fart BUT when he farts his fart goes "Honda" That day he has some business meetings and he keeps needing to fart and every time he farts it goes "Honda" The g...

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

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My dad to me today: you know how poop is called nature's call, right? What do you call a fart then?

Nature's missed call.

Egyptians always fart before entering a room

They Tutankhamun

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

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What do you call a sex worker that farts on people?

A Prostitoot

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

What did the Storm Trooper say when he farted in church?

"Pew, pew."

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

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