UPJOKE
flatulenceflatusbreak windwindburphumorgasfartingbreaking windmethaneodorjokehydrogen sulfidebelchcackle

Fart Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

Confucius say: Man who fart in church...

Confucius say:

Man who fart in church, sit in his own pew.

Children are like farts.

You're proud of your own, but other people's are kinda gross.

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

What is another name for a cow's fart?

Dairy air from a derriere.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

What do you call a cave man’s fart?

A blast from the past.

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

What do you call a hooker's fart?

A prostitoot

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

A guy was sitting on a park bench when he suddenly produced a loud long fart. When he got up there was a pile of coins.

It was the wind of change.

What is the difference between Lauren Bobert and a fart?

A fart makes an impact on a room full of people.

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a "BAHHH-ROOOM!!!"

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

My old fart dad’s Hollywood murder joke

“Did you hear about that actress that stabbed her husband?”
“No! Who was it?”
“I can’t remember the name. White woman. Blond Hair. Reese something…”
“Witherspoon!?!?”
“No. With a knife.”

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it's not their own.

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever hear about the guy who lit his fart on fire to burn his house down?

He got charged with ARSEn!

Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?

Because she was a private tutor

The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Where do you buy anti-fart medicine?

At the defartment store.

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Someone just did a HUGE fart in church...

>!They're definitely sitting in their own pew after that!!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good software project is like a fart.

With too much pressure it'll turn to shit.

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

From my 6 year-old: Why shouldn’t you fart in an elevator?

Because it’s wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time i fart...

My wife tells me some assholes been talking shit behind my back.

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

Two pharaohs fart. Their farts smell the same.

They had a Tutankhamun.

What did the Maxi Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

what did the two Egyptian dude say when they had the same fart sound?

Hey bro we have a Tutankhamen!

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

How is an Egyptian mummy similar to a fart?

They have a toot in common.

A human fart is louder than a trombone.

I discovered this at a school concert last night.

What is a fart fetishist's favorite article of clothing?





Windbreaker

What happens when you fart quietly?

da-bum-tss






(sorry)

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried not to fart during class

I really tried, butt failed

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

In a scientific experiment researchers collected two containers of fart gases to study its usability as a green energy source, one from a normal person and the other from a royal family member. During the combustion tests the first one ignited really well while the other totally failed. Why ?

Because, the second one continued noble gases

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

what do you get if you nut and fart at the same time?

banned from the supermarket

For anyone going to worship today, do you remember why you shouldn't fart in church?

Because then you'll have to sit in your own pew.

Don't Fart In Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never hold in a fart...

It travels up your spine and into the brain, and this is where crappy ideas come from.

Queen farts

The Dutch Queen is in an elevator with three diplomats from France, Italy and Spain.

Suddenly, she farts loudly. At first, everyone is confused, but the French representative quickly comes to his senses, comes to her rescue and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was me".

They don't even tra...

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

Brain fart

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?

Employee: Alaska?

Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

A good reputation should be like a good fart

It should precede before your presence and linger after your absence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a fart joke

It'll pass.

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.

“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has to fart in a bus..

He said oh shit I gotta fart! But i guess the people won't notice because the music is too loud. So I just gotta do it matching the rhythm of the sound..
He did it! After he's done,
the people clapped their hands and
his earphones alarmed battery low.

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy said to his girlfriend before breaking up, "A relationship is like a fart."

"How is that?" She mockingly said.
He then replied, "If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway."

Impending Fart

What did the police officer say to their impending fart, in a crowded police station ?

"I'm gonna let you off, with a warning !"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

Why does the Queen have to fart?

So there's air to the throne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.