Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Farts are like children

I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours

What do you call it when a ghost farts?

It passed ghast

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

Why did no one in the kings court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

Hookers dont fart

They let out little prosti-toots

Don't fart in an Apple Store...

They don't have windows. :)

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

What do you call a lactose-intolerant person’s farts?

Their dairy-air

Brain fart

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?

Employee: Alaska?

Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

Where do Cow Farts come from?

The Dairy Air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

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A man has to fart in a bus..

He said oh shit I gotta fart! But i guess the people won't notice because the music is too loud. So I just gotta do it matching the rhythm of the sound..
He did it! After he's done,
the people clapped their hands and
his earphones alarmed battery low.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

Me:. Why are you making that funny face? Is it because I farted?

Cowboy:. Yer darn tootin'!

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

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A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it, its probably shit

Impending Fart

What did the police officer say to their impending fart, in a crowded police station ?

"I'm gonna let you off, with a warning !"

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

What do you call sneezing and farting at the same time?

..a screenshot

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried not to fart during class

I really tried, butt failed

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

Mr. Johnson walk into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

He lets out a very loud fart and says, "See? It doesn't smell."

The doctor goes to his closet and takes out a pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson is understandably terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"

"I'm just going to open the window," says the doctor. "And...

If you fart in church...

You'll have to sit in your own pew

My coworker keeps farting and trying to convince me that it was me who did it.

I think he's asslighting me.

I've realized that Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

But everyone else's are disgusting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

Excuses are like farts

I love the sound of my own, but don't want to hear anyone else's

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

Do you know why farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too!

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You hear about the guy who built the car that runs on farts?

It gets shitty milage.

What do you call a teacher that only farts in their own home?

A private tooter

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

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Life is a fart joke

It'll pass.

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor complaining that she has been farting a lot recently.

“Fortunately though doctor,” she continues, “They don’t make any sound or smell at all. In fact I’ve passed wind several times since I’ve been sat here!”.

The doctor looks puzzled for a minute then writes a prescription out for the woman, asking her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks...

A man goes to a doctor and complains "Every time i walk, i can't stop farting."

The doctor tells him to walk a few steps. He does, farting. The doctor tells him to walk slow. He does, still farting. After 5 minutes of walking and farting, the doctor walks out and returns with a long, hooked pole. "What the hell are you gonna do with that?!?" yells the patient." The doctor repl...

What did Steve Jobs say when he farted?

ifarted

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A guy said to his girlfriend before breaking up, "A relationship is like a fart."

"How is that?" She mockingly said.
He then replied, "If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

A fart is just a booty call.

Especially if it's got that classy trumpet tone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and...

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time...

Your body takes a screenshot.

What did they call the Egyptian Pharoah who very rarely farted?...

...Toot-Uncommon.

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

Why does the Queen have to fart?

So there's air to the throne.

What kind of farts does Sigourney Weaver do in the bath?

Ripley ones.

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.

“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take ...

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buster the farting dog...

A guy was at his girlfriend’s parents’ house, meeting them for the first time. He was understandably nervous, especially because he was trying desperately to hold in his gas.

At one point, shifting in his seat, he accidentally let one slip and it reverberated quite loudly on the leather chai...

I farted at work the other day..

then my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

I just farted on my wallet



Now I got gas money.

What do you call an Eygptian Pharaoh that farts the same way as you?

Toot in Common!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

I fart while I am asleep...

I wanted to keep that a secret, but I blew my cover.

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

How can you tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

Today I was on the bus and I farted, four people turned around and looked at me.

Felt like I was in The Voice.

A couple are at the church when the wife whispers into the husband's ear "I just let out a silent fart. What do I do?"

He responds:









"Get your ears checked"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out

I guess that's mustard gas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do farts and covid have in common?

They're both spread by aerosols and assholes

Hear about that woman who farted so hard she died.

Her epitaph read: "Let her RIP!"

What do you call a cow’s fart?

Dairy air.

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

Why did Rudy Giuliani fart at the hearing

Since he didn't have clear evidence for fraudulence, he decided to provide a clear evidence of flatulence

Witches don’t fart

They cast “smells”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stinky farts are just like somehow putting a silencer on a bazooka...

Silent-butt, deadly and extremely explosive.









sometimes flammable too

Some people might say that fart jokes are immature

But I assure you, there's a methane to the madness

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

When my girlfriend sits on the photocopier and farts...

she's Imagin Poots

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?


Amber Heard.

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

A teenage girl falls pregnant...

Her mother is shocked and asks who the father of the baby is.

"Ma, if you ate a bowl of beans. Would you know which one made you fart?"

When I was a kid, every time my dad farted he denied it.

It wasn't until years later that I realized he had been gaslighting me.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

(fallout joke) Why do synths fart so fast?

-they were made by the insta-toot! (institute)

(i made my GF laugh she just started playing it)

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.


The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.


I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I...

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