UPJOKE
laughgaghumourlaughterhumorjestprankfunnyanticpunpunch lineslapstickironyfoolclown

Jokes Jokes

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...

Communism jokes aren't funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

Request: PG Pirate Jokes

I have two jokes that I use a bunch and requesting a third.

1. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday?
Ayyyy, matey

2. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You think it be R, but my first love be the C

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looking for good president jokes.

Please post jokes that can't be just copy-pasted from one administration to another.

Here, I'll start.

George Bush and Dick Cheney stopped in to a small diner for breakfast while touring through the country.

The waitress comes to take their orders. Cheney orders an omelette. Sh...

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

Whoever invented the knock knock jokes

Should get a Nobell prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My jokes are like orgasms

My girlfriend doesn't get them

Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes

C

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin rep...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between your dick and your jokes?

No one laughing at your jokes.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the funniest vampire jokes

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour.
After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.
"what happened?" they aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

r/Jokes is a great place to learn English

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My jokes are like semen

Sometimes they land and stick

Other times they are hard to swallow

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed

Trouble is, none of them work.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

My jokes are so bad

Amy Schumer bought them for her new routine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

How do all black jokes begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.